The Onion looks into an issue that's been the subject of a lot of speculation lately: Is Sen. Mark Warner homeless?

"At first, I thought he was just burning the candle at both ends," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), who noted that the unshaven Warner is always the first to arrive in the morning and the last to leave the Capitol at night. "But then on Sunday, I dropped by to pick up a few things and found Mark asleep under a blanket of Washington Posts on the Senate floor."

"It never really crossed my mind before, but I think the poor guy might be homeless," Reid continued. "It would explain why he's always asking the other lawmakers if they're going to finish their lunch."…

Over the past few weeks, Warner has reportedly signed up to be placed only on Senate subcommittees that serve complimentary breakfast and coffee during meetings. Warner's behavior on the Senate floor has also changed as of late, with the legislator voting in favor of more comfortable benches in public parks, and adding several riders onto bills calling for "universal access to soup."

Personally, I think that working in Congress could be a fantastic stepping stone for homeless people to use to slowly get back to being productive members of society.

I don't know about you, but on a beautiful day like today, I really enjoy lying in the grass, staring up into the clouds and wondering What if…

But, since I've got a job, I usually just end up reading bullshit unfounded speculation on the Internet instead…

[If John Edwards had not run for president] Could Hillary Clinton have grabbed Edwards' loyalists and won early, stage-setting contests in Iowa, where Barack Obama emerged as a contender with a stunning win, or later, in the South Carolina primary?

Yes, says Mark Penn, Clinton's close campaign adviser and pollster. Penn has asserted that without Edwards on the ballot, voters would have taken a "fresh look" at Clinton.

Well, if Mark Penn says it, it must be true. Why, he's never proven himself to be wrong-headed, duplicitous or willfully ignorant before. That guy is a straight shooter if ever I did see one.

But, just for the sake of adding length to this post, let's see what somebody who knows what he's talking about has to say. What does Mark Blumenthal from Pollster.com have to say about it?

Mark Blumenthal from Pollster.com: "The most compelling evidence concerns where Edwards' support might have gone, had he withdrawn once the campaign had gotten under way in early 2007: polls showing that Edwards supporters preferred Obama to Clinton as their second choice in Iowa (as early as May 2007) and in New Hampshire (a few days before the primary)…

"Edwards started the race as the leading candidate in Iowa. Had Edwards withdrawn in late 2006, others who were considering the race at about that time — Tom Vilsack, Evan Bayh, Mark Warner — might have gotten in."

Yeah. Edwards' campaign was the only thing standing between Evan Bayh and the White House.

He must be very bitter.

For those of you worried that the ascendant Democrats would usher in a new era of ordinary Americans governing in Washington, you have nothing to fear! There are plenty of new out-of-touch plutocrats set to take office.

Roll Call reports that many incoming legislators more than easily qualify for Barack Obama's socialist tax hike, including…

* New Virginia Senator Mark Warner, who founded Nextel and is worth $91 million

* New Wyoming Representative Cynthia Lummis, who apparently owns $17 million worth of cattle

* New Idaho Senator Jim Risch, who is taking Larry Craig's seat and is worth $20 million (most of which will be spent on industrial-strength disinfectant for that seat)

In case you were wondering, none of these freshman lawmakers will even come close to topping the reigning king of Washington wealth.

What, you really don't know who that is? John Kerry, of course! He's worth at a minimum $231 million, and that doesn't include anything held solely in Theresa Heinz-Kerry's name.

It also doesn't include the millions he spent on advertising in the Chicago media market promoting himself as a candidate for Secretary of State.

Let's face it, Virginia.  Your governor, Tim Kaine, is a little… well… sane.  I mean he's a really great guy.  He's done wonders for the state budget.  But why isn't he on MSNBC screaming at Chris Matthews?  Why isn't he on the Daily Show, bewildering the hell out of Jon Stewart?  Why isn't he riding a mechanical bull into the wee hours of the night?

Virginia, what you need is a healthy dose of Terry McAuliffe…

Former Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe filed papers Monday necessary to run for governor in Virginia next year. McAuliffe established his campaign committee, Friends of Terry McAuliffe, with the State Board of Elections and will tour Virginia for the next 60 days before making his candidacy certain…

A native of upstate New York, McAuliffe, 51, has lived in Virginia for about 17 years. He lives in the Washington, D.C., suburb of McLean.

Interesting fact about McAuliffe:  He's not very good at winning elections.  The Democrats lost seats in Congress throughout his term as DNC Chair.  He couldn't get John Kerry into the Oval Office.  And his candidate for president lost her primary, although it's possible they haven't told that to Terry yet.

But you'd better believe he'll stir things up in Virginia.  Whether downing shots with Joe Scarborough or hosting visits from Pope Hillary Clinton, a Governor McAuliffe will make Tim Kaine seem as boring as his successor, Mark Warner.

Well, actually that's a bit harsh.  How about only as boring as a monotone recitation of The Iliad in the original Ancient Greek with pauses for the earth's crust to harden?

We're ready to announce the first Democratic pick-up in their charge toward a 60-vote Senate supermajority.  Of course, if we'd told you 2 years ago that this path would start in the old Confederacy, you would have called us "Macaca" and encouraged a mob to taunt us.

Well, apologies to everyone from Jefferson Davis to George Allen.  Mark Warner will be the next Senator from Virginia.

And apologies as well to Warner's opponent, Jim Gilmore, although we're pretty sure he stopped paying attention several months back.

Maybe it's because the Beltway passes through it, or because it's known as the "Mother of Presidents," or just because it doesn't like getting left out of big events. Whatever the reason, Virginia is factoring large in this year's elections.

The marquee races look to be leaning towards the Democrats. At the top of the ticket, Barack Obama is holding on to a seven-point lead and poised to pull off an upset in this traditionally red state in which guns outnumber drive-through espresso stands by nearly two to one. And in the Senate race, Democrat Mark Warner is so far ahead in the polls that his opponent Jim Gilmore has stopped campaigning in order to spend more time preparing for his next presidential bid.

The real excitement in the Old Dominion is in the state's 5th Congressional District, where incumbent Republican Virgil Goode has seen his seat go from safe to highly threatened in just a matter of days. Starting last week, the following has been revealed to damage the Republican in this socially conservative district:

* The names of Goode and his wife were listed in the closing credits of the 2003 gay-themed art house film “Eden’s Curve.”

* Goode's long-time press secretary appeared in the film, which features graphic gay sex and drug use.

* The fax number for Goode's Congressional office was listed as a press contact for the "Eden's Curve" in a film festival brochure.

So for those of you wondering how to spend your time when the election is over, you've now got a new addition for your Netflix queue!