Anyone who knows anything about politics knows the true measure of a legislator isn't his or her voting record, it's how well he or she can gleam the cube (ask your parents). So last night, after grilling California Congresswoman Jackie Speier about her district's plans to cure gayness, Stephen Colbert took to the halls of Congress armed with his board and a hunger for shredding.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

So, according to Barney Frank, "outdoorsman" is the latest euphemism for "pot smoker." And that's cool, but check it out, bro; what does that word even mean? Outdoorsman? Like, does it mean a man who lives outside a door? Does that mean there are men living inside doors? Bro, listen, what if there's a man living inside my door, and I don't even know it. Maybe he doesn't even know about us, the outdoorsmen. Think about it.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

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With the tragic death of Sen. Ted Kennedy at the age of however-old-he-was, it appeared that Massachusetts would be left underrepresented in the Senate, right in the middle of the health care debate, a debate that — like booze –was very dear to Kennedy's heart.

This was due to the fact that four years ago — back when Massachusetts senator John Kerry was running for president — the state amended its constitution so that interim senators could not be appointed without a special election.

But, hey, that was four years ago. The world was a very, very different place back then. I mean, there was a Republican governor!  Can you even imagine? Anyway, that craziness has all changed, so guess what happened.

And then guess what's happening now…

Governor Deval Patrick will announce on Thursday that Paul G. Kirk, Jr. will be named as the temporary replacement to fill Ted Kennedy's vacant senate seat, WBZ has learned.

Hmmm… Who is Paul G. Kirk, Jr.? Why does his name sound familiar? Well, I don't know the answer to that, but you're probably just confused.

Although, I suppose it's possible that you remember him as a pharmaceutical lobbyist for Aventis ten years ago. No? How about as the chairman of Democratic National Committee from 1985 to 1989. Not that either, huh? How about his stint as treasurer of the Democratic Party in 1983? Special assistant to Sen. Ted Kennedy from 1969 to 1977, which included the fallout from the senator's notorious incident on Chappaquiddick island in '69?

Do you maybe remember him having a fight to the death with a Vulcan caught deep in the throes of Pon farr? That's what I thought. You're confused.

Here's a free piece of advice for state legislators who feel like voting to raise taxes and then buying tons of booze in a neighboring tax-free state: Make sure to use a car with your official state legislator license plate on it, so that everybody knows how important you are and will leave you alone…

A Westport [Massachusetts] lawmaker who voted to hike the state sales and alcohol taxes was spotted brazenly piling booze in his car — adorned with his State House license plate — in the parking lot of a tax-free New Hampshire liquor store, the Herald has learned.

[Democrat] Michael J. Rodrigues' blue Ford Crown Victoria, emblazoned with his "House 29" Massachusetts license plate, was parked outside a Granite State liquor store on Interstate-95 South over the weekend, according to a witness who provided pictures to the Herald.

Another piece of advice: When beseeching nosy taxpayers to leave you be so that you can carry on with the privileges of your station, make sure to be as rude and dismissive as possible, so that nobody will want to embarrass you publicly…

The witness, who requested anonymity, claimed he approached Rodrigues, noted his State House plate, and asked if he was on personal or official business. Rodrigues, who was loading booze into his car, snapped "mind your own business," the witness said.

Excellent work, Congressperson. Now I'm sure no one will hear about this incident.