The days were cold. The nights were long. He was needed it real bad, and she was the only one who had the fix.

President Obama got his swine flu shot, is what I'm saying.

Good news, hippies! President Obama will not be arresting medical marijuana users who comply with state laws. That's right, the potheads are soon going to be roaming the streets, treating their cancer and glaucoma willy-nilly in some sort of warped Fear-and-Loathing-in-Las-Vegas-esque perversion of America where the sick are dealt with humanely and with reason. With that in mind, here are some of the best War on Drugs-themed clips from The Daily Show. Watch them with some of your kindest buds.

Narcs and Recreation

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

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Noted intellectual and ukulele-player Victoria Jackson has been pondering one of the most serious questions that has faced our generation: What does liberals' obsession with health care have to do with their mission of killing everything that God loves? (Because, "[i]t couldn't be because they actually care about sick, poor people." Obviously, right?)

After a lot of very strenuous thinking, she hit upon the smartest answer that has ever been thought up…

Euthanasia!

Social Security and Medicare are broke.  Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it.  Socialized medicine makes people die. You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, and someone like the DMV person, who can't speak English [ed. note: illegal alien], has chewing gum, an attitude, really long fake nails that curl up at the end [ed. note: black lady],  and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you.  They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare!

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas!

Isn't it humbling to bear witness to a true genius of brain thinking in your own time? It's so obvious! How did we not see it? Obama was elected by the Democrats, foreigners and homosexuals to kill your grandmom!

Jeeze, this whole thing reminds me of something that somebody else did. Somebody really evil. What's his name? Damn, it's right on the tip of my tongue. Who was it again who did this exact same thing before, Ms. Jackson?
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Well, the honeymoon is certainly over. Bill Maher joins a growing collection of liberals and Obama-supporters who are starting to get a little tired of waiting around for the guy they thought they were electing to show up to work…

Finally, those nerds with the glasses and the white lab coats and the way more money than me have accomplished something worthwhile…

Scientists have finished sequencing the mouse genome after a 10-year effort.

Now we can clone mice whenever we like and never have to worry about running out of them ever again! Hey Science, I think I have room for about a million of them in the wall behind my stove. (Oh, wait. Too late.)

The humble mouse is the experimental workhorse in laboratories worldwide, so this high-quality genome sequence will aid in the fight against human disease.

The search for novel treatments could benefit from a greater understanding of the mouse genetic code, which is about 75% similar to our own.

Wait. So, you're telling me that for every four bits of mouse DNA, three of them are identical to human DNA? That seems incredible. Unless you're talking about Art Spiegelman. Or Juan Williams. Or this guy.*

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* Am I crazy, or does that look like it might be Mitt Romney under there?

Do you happen to remember all that nonsense from a couple months back when Jeremy Piven was allegedly too overcome with mercury poisoning — from eating too much sushi, supposedly — to finish his run in a revival of David Mamet's Speed-the-Plow on Broadway?* No? Well, then you're a healthier person than me.

Well, zero believed Piven then and less-than-zero people believe him now. So — as the issue prepares to enter arbitration — his people are invoking the highest authority of all…

"Mr. Piven is looking forward to testifying in Arbitration along with his doctors so that the truth comes out about the very serious health risks caused by Mercury exposure, which the Obama administration has recently described as the world's gravest chemical problem."

What Mr. Piven's mouthpiece is mouthing about is then-Senator Obama's bill — the Mercury Export Ban Act of 2008 — signed into law by then-President George W. Bush, about which Obama said…

"The president's approval of this bipartisan bill is an important victory for millions of the world's most vulnerable citizens who are exposed to the harmful effects of mercury every day."

"Exposure to mercury leads to serious developmental problems in children as well as problems affecting vision, motor skills, blood pressure, and fertility in adults," said Obama. "Despite our country's improved efforts to contain and collect mercury over the years, we remain one of the world's leading exporters of this dangerous product, so I am proud this bill will finally ban mercury exports."

So, yeah, clearly, he was talking about mercury's devastating effect on millionaire actors who just really, really like eating sushi and really, really hate having to fulfill contracts.

Ordinarily, I'd go on to thank Jeremy Piven for bringing this important issue facing the world's frail artistic class into greater focus, but I had sushi for dinner last night, and now I'm kind of overcome with a sort of "mercury ennui."

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* This has nothing to do with the story, but I thought I'd include David Mamet's initial reaction to Piven's leaving here, because it always makes me laugh…

"I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury," Mr. Mamet said, according to Variety. "So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."