Being a Democrat.

What we're getting at is that somehow GOP Rep. Don Young (he of the Jack Abramoff affiliations) and Sen. Ted Stevens (he of the seven felony convictions) continue to lead in election returns as we approach 5 a.m. in the East.

What's wrong with Democrats, Alaska?  Was the last one you sent to Washington such a disaster that you're now morally opposed to ever doing it again?  Honestly, how bad could it have been under that last Democrat, who was… let's see here…

Mike Gravel???

Alright, maybe you have a point there, Alaska.

As Americans, we like everything bigger and better than what the other guy has, and Gravel was no exception. Not content to wallow among your garden-variety losers like Tom Vilsack, Jim Gilmore and Hillary Clinton, Gravel eclipsed them with the rare feat of losing two presidential nominations in the same cycle!

Gravel's first loss came as a Democrat. He stood out within the party's field for his knowledge of how to get a prescription for cocaine, but not for his knowledge on how to sneak into a debate. And when the party frontrunners aired standard-issue ads of themselves striding through factories and shaking hands with the entire U.S. Army, Gravel responded with an avant-garde video of himself heaving a rock into a lake — which pundits agree vaulted him over the elusive 240 vote barrier in South Carolina.

Gravel's second defeat was in the Libertarian primary, which came as a surprise to those who hadn't realized he'd quit his Democratic campaign. He got 71 out of 618 votes at the Libertarian Convention, polling fourth behind a research scientist, the self-proclaimed "King of Vegas", and the eventual winner, Bob Barr.

But why should Gravel stop at just losing two nominations? It might not be too late to try to get on the ticket for the Equal Rights Party, or perhaps the Anti-Masonic Party. And what about the Alaskan Independence Party, which we've heard so much about recently… wonder if we could conjure up a feisty fellow Alaskan to serve as VP on that ticket?

Hillary Clinton needs your help. See, she spent a lot of money recently, and she's trying to recoup a little. We've all been there, right?

So she's selling these t-shirts. It's an inspiring message. But it turns out she's not the only candidate looking for a little reimbursement — other ex-candidates are hitting the t-shirt trail as well:

Mitt Romney:

Chris Dodd, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Dennis Kucinich and Duncan Hunter:

Mike Gravel:

Mike Huckabee:

Rudy Giuliani:

Ron Paul:

 
(via Videogum)

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

Home Sweet Home! Well, it's finally over. The voters have voted, the superdelegates have committed, and Terry McAuliffe has been put back in cold storage for Chelsea's presidential bid. And the results are now clear: Barack Obama goes on to five more months of choking down swing-state diner food, while Hillary Clinton returns home to the U.S. Senate.

Of course the Senate is a veritable retirement home for failed presidential candidates. You might say it's the spleen of the federal government. Knowing this, the Senate Pages will now reveal how our old bosses plan to greet Hillary upon her return:

*Joe Lieberman (I-CT) — Congratulate Clinton on her "two-way tie for first."

*Robert Byrd (D-WV) — Mistakenly assume Clinton has died and weep on the Senate floor.

*Harry Reid (D-NV) — Using powers as Majority Leader, appoint Clinton to chair the Senate Select Subcommittee on Menopause.

*Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX), Barbara Boxer (D-CA), and Olympia Snowe (R-ME) — Rattail Clinton in the girls’ locker room and make her sing the French National Anthem.

*Claire McCaskill (D-MO ) — Stare straight ahead and keep walking.

*Jim Bunning (R-KY) — Confide in Hillary that he always thought Obama was limp-wristed and looked like one of Saddam Hussein's sons.

*Ron Wyden (D-OR) — Use Hillary's newly lowered self-esteem as his chance to ask her out.

*Mike Gravel (D-AK, retired) — Phone in a bomb threat to the Capitol.

That's right: with Bob Barr taking the Libertarian nomination over the weekend, Mike Gravel has declared an end to his life in politics.

As those of you who are capable of finding Wikipedia know, Gravel has been in this game for decades, serving multiple terms in the Alaska House of Representatives and in the United States Senate. He waged a one-man filibuster against the Vietnam draft, read the Pentagon Papers into the Congressional Record and helped get them published by a commercial press. Later, he supported the controversial Trans-Alaska pipeline and stared a lot.

And now it's all over. Clearly, this is a momentous moment for Gravel…

"I just ended my political career," Mr. Gravel said at the [Libertarian] party's convention. "From 15 years old to now, my political career is over, and it's no big deal."

Oh.

Well, I guess this does mean he has more free time to throw stuff in lakes.

Bob Barr

* Aquafina bottled water (2 cases)
* Extra virgin lard (3 goblets)
* Softcover Starr Report: Classic Edition (above toilet)
* Heterosexual married couple in need of paunchy defender (plaid-clad, frightened-seeming)
* Sweet Georgia Mustache Grease (1 glob)

Mike Gravel

* Crab salad sandwiches (8)
* Hat (one half)
* Two thick stones (any size)
* Unflattering portrait of ex-wife (defaced with adage, "Alaska: you don't lose your girl, you lose your turn")
* Cream (10 platefuls)

Special Mystery Guest?

* "RP" swag (700 t-shirts, 10 t-shirt guns, executive order to de-regulate t-shirt launchers, t-shirt flak grenades, t-shirt laser-guided bombs and other t-shirt weaponry)
* Rabid supporters (50-60,000)
* Some "really good ideas you should check out" (2 or 3)
* Dogged, delusional persistence (more than anyone thought)
* Instructions on "How to Ruin Your Family's Memorial Day Picnic" (500 pamphlets)

Washington is no different from Hollywood — it's full of famous names, ruthless backstabbers, and gossip bloggers willing to grossly exaggerate any anecdote to boost their readership. As former United States Senate Pages, Dylan and Ethan Ris were privy to backroom dealings, power grabs, and scandals that would make even Eliot Spitzer blush. Join the Pages as they get the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

Well folks, we Pages would like to thank the good people of West Virginia for keeping the Democratic presidential race alive! From here on out, the campaign boils down to TV advertising as the candidates' final chance to sell themselves to voters. Knowing as much, Congressional Confidential has consulted our sources, weighed the intangibles, and is now ready to reveal our anticipated ad campaigns for each of the remaining states!

(May 20)

Hillary Clinton
Title: "Run for the Roses"
Synopsis: Clinton enters the shot on horseback, wearing a jockey helmet and vest over her horsehair pantsuit. She recaps the Presidential campaign using Kentucky Derby metaphors and pounds a mint julep shot before trotting away.
Music: Dan Fogelberg — "Run for the Roses"

Barack Obama
Title: "Summer Reading"
Synopsis: Obama is seen sipping cognac in the Harvard faculty lounge. Setting down his copy of Rene Descartes' Meditations on First Philosophy, he offers a brief contrast of the physical and metaphysical symbolism of American Flag pins.
Music: Feist — "We Shall Overcome"

(May 20)

Hillary Clinton
Title: "Timber!"
Synopsis: Clinton is shown operating a chainsaw as she fells a redwood in southern Oregon. Brushing woodchips from her camouflage pantsuit, she recounts the hardships of her third cousin toiling in an Oregon sawmill as a summer job in 1966.
Music: Celine Dion — "Truck Drivin' Man"

Barack Obama
Title: "A Long, Strange Trip"
Synopsis: Grainy late-70s footage of Obama hitchhiking in Indonesia. Surrounded by friends from his madrassa, he sports bellbottoms and an Afro. He holds a sign reading “America or bust!” with a Marcel Proust quote scrawled beneath it.
Music: Ozomatli feat. Professor Cornel West — "(If You’re Going To) San Francisco"

(June 1)

Hillary Clinton
Title: "A Little Bit of the Captain in Her"
Synopsis: Clinton swabs the deck of a campaign donor’s yacht. Wearing a banana leaf pantsuit, she describes the executive branch using boat crew metaphors. She takes a giant swig from a liter bottle of Captain Morgan's and approves the message as the shot fades to black.
Music: Van Halen — "I'm The One"

Barack Obama
Title: "Footprints in the Sand"
Synopsis: Obama, barefoot and shirtless in ripped jean shorts, walks along the beach as multi-ethnic children frolic in the surf ahead of him. In the distant background, we see a stone-induced splash from a Mike Gravel commercial filming on the same beach.
Music: Yanni – "Age of Aquarius"

(June 3)

Hillary Clinton
Title: "Home on the Range"
Synopsis: Clinton, wearing a rawhide leather pantsuit, stands beside cowboys before a roaring bonfire. She raises a toast to the common man, shotguns a beer, and then dramatically throws her Wellesley College diploma into the flames as the cowboys cheer.
Music: Kid Rock — "Cowboy"

Barack Obama
Title: "Nature's Miracle"
Synopsis: Obama stands in attendance at the waterbirth of his daughter. As his nude, submerged wife Michelle shuts her eyes and bears down, Obama bestows Hawaiian leis upon attending guests Cindy Sheehan and Tony Rezko.
Music: Sarah McLaughlin — "Kumbaya"

(June 3)

Hillary Clinton
Title: "My Fellow Americans"
Synopsis: Clinton appears on a movie set depicting the Oval Office. She accepts the Democratic nomination and pledges to appoint Barack Obama to the position of Junior Senator from Illinois. Bill, Chelsea, and Terry McAuliffe assemble at her side and their faces magically morph into a refashioned Mount Rushmore.
Music: Lesley Gore — "It’s My Party"

Barack Obama
Title: "A Whole New Me"
Synopsis: Obama is shown in the mirror trying on lipstick, rouge, and women's clothing. He briefly considers a burqa before deciding against it. He is careful to affix an American flag lapel to his outfit by the commercial's end.
Music: James Blunt — "You’re Beautiful"

Thanks for keeping it alive!

Needless to say, he fails on all counts. But give the ol' coot points for effort, okay? When's the last time someone made you a heart-shaped balloon sculpture?

MC Gravel-a-Hellacopter may not be ready for a record deal, but I think he's stepping up his game.