Have you started your Christmas shopping? Don't bother. This is the only item you'll need to buy, and you'll want one for everybody on your list: young people, old people, naughty people, nice people, Jewish people just for good measure, etc.

I'm speaking, of course, about Mike Huckabee's heartwarming new book, A Simple Christmas: Twelve Stories that Celebrate the True Holiday Spirit. It's a hot cup of cocoa scented with winter spice potpourri and a dollop of baby Jesus for the real American soul…

Huckabee recounts twelve Christmas memories–often funny, sometimes deeply moving–that range from his childhood in Arkansas to his years as a young husband and father to his time as a governor and then a presidential candidate. These true stories will help you smile, take a deep breath, and maybe slow down your own holiday treadmill. For instance:

As kids, Mike and his sister would sneak open their gifts before Christmas, play with them, then rewrap them so their parents wouldn't notice. The plan worked great for several years until one Christmas morning when young Mike unwrapped a brand-new football… that was covered in mud. That led to a powerful lesson about patience.

Haw haw haw, gosh, I bet it did! You know what else teaches a powerful lesson about patience? Having to wait around for your political career to rise above the level of folksy pundit also-ran.

I bet that story'll be in Huckabee's next book, An Inane Easter: Thirteen Stories that Celebrate the True Values Voter Spirit.

Mike Huckabee may have emerged triumphant from the recent Values Voter Summit, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's the GOP's most values-able weapon in the culture war against evil liberalism. As the old saying goes, you can put values-colored lipstick on a pig, but that won't make him into a pit bull. Or something.

Because when it comes to folksy, aw-shucksy, you-betchaness, he's still got nothing on The Sarahcuda…

As part of an effort to gauge Palin's popularity with the rank and file beyond the Beltway, where the GOP establishment is lukewarm toward the charismatic former governor, POLITICO surveyed nearly 50 prominent Republican Party officials and politicians, representing every region of the country and ranging from statewide-elected officeholders to state legislators to state and county party chairs.

Some refused to talk about her at all. Others, mostly her critics, would do so only off the record. But taken as a whole, the body of interviews revealed that despite Palin's high negative ratings in recent national polls, Republicans at the grass-roots level and their leaders still hold a very favorable impression of the former Alaska governor.

Hmmm… I wonder what's really going on here.

Charles M. Webster, the state GOP chairman in Maine, said Republicans there are very enthusiastic about Palin largely because they can see themselves in her.

No comment.

When I got into the office this morning, I wrote a nice long post about the "How to Take Back America*" conference in St. Louis this past weekend, but WordPress decided to eat it, in much the way that Barack Obama has eaten all of the Bills of Rights and whatnot.

So, anyway, I am not writing that all over again (Too bad for you, because it was an amazing post; take my word for it.) Instead, here's a real quick highlight roundup, on the the off chance that you couldn't make it…

Mike Huckabee recommended sawing off the part of Manhattan that houses the United Nations and pushing it into the sea, because what's with all those non-America countries thinking they get to have opinions about things? I mean seriously…

Oh, and Rep. Trent Franks from Arizona finally let us know who Barack Obama is really trying to destroy: ALL OF HUMANITY!. I gotta say, that's actually a tad more far-reaching of a plan than I thought he'd go for in his first term. But, I guess Yes, We Can and all that, right?

And how could I possibly forget Joe the Plumber winning the coveted Golden Wrench? (That is not even a joke.) However, poor Mr. the Plumber — despite all his honors — still wasn't allowed to change out of his I-just-got-done-painting-the-garage uniform. (I wonder if he'll ever graduate to "real human being.")

All in all, I'd have to say this was the most successful "How to Take Back America*" conference ever. Good job, "How to Take Back America*" conferenceers!

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^{* …from the minorities.}

It's been almost five years since Jon Stewart's famous take-down of Tucker Carlson (and to a lesser extent Paul Begala) on CNN's Crossfire, and many might say Carlson hasn't changed a bit. Well, that's just not fair. As you can see at the 5:12 mark in this clip from last night's Daily Show, Carlson has transformed from a smug, disingenuous, incurious bow-tie-clad buffoon into a smug, disingenuous, incurious, neck-tie-clad buffoon.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Take notice, 2012: Mike Huckabee swept the presidential fantasy vote at this weekend's Values Voter Summit, winning 28% of the nation's valuesiest straw poll.

Palin? Pawlenty? Romney? You mean Loser, Loser and Loserbot?

Receiving between 12.4 percent and 11.9 percent of the vote were, in descending order, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2008; Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee; and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence.

Rounding out the field were former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the favorite of 6.7 percent of straw poll voters; Lousiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, 4.7 percent; former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, 2.5 percent; and Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, 2.18 percent.

There you have it, Mike Huckabee will be the One Chosen to defeat Antichrist Barack Obama in 2012, assuming the Republicans build a party strategy that consists entirely of banning abortion and not banning "Freebird."

I'd say there's at least a 28% chance of that.

Oh boy, oh boy, the annual Values Voter Summit starts today, and as usual it is a veritable smorgasbord of right-wing catnip. (It is also, according to the site's own header, the "Value Voters Summit," so I assume there are separate events for anyone who's interested in saving $$$ at Costco?)

If you can't make it to D.C. to rub elbows with the heavyweights of the conservative movement — Mike Huckabee, Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin (above, with his running mate) — have a taste of what you're missing…

* "Thugocracy: Fighting the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy"

* "Defunding Planned Parenthood"

* "Speechless: Silencing the Christians"

* "Obamacare: Rationing Your Life Away"

Yeah, those all sound pretty good. That schedule's nice and values-y. But where's the workshop for those of us who believe that global warming is nothing but a hoax perpetrated by evildoers whose only goal is to murder everyone on the planet?

* "Global Warming Hysteria: The New Face of the 'Pro-Death' Agenda"

Ahh, there it is. Phew.

I was getting worried for a minute there.