I'm speaking, of course, about Mike Huckabee's heartwarming new book, A Simple Christmas: Twelve Stories that Celebrate the True Holiday Spirit. It's a hot cup of cocoa scented with winter spice potpourri and a dollop of baby Jesus for the real American soul…

Huckabee recounts twelve Christmas memories–often funny, sometimes deeply moving–that range from his childhood in Arkansas to his years as a young husband and father to his time as a governor and then a presidential candidate. These true stories will help you smile, take a deep breath, and maybe slow down your own holiday treadmill. For instance:

As kids, Mike and his sister would sneak open their gifts before Christmas, play with them, then rewrap them so their parents wouldn't notice. The plan worked great for several years until one Christmas morning when young Mike unwrapped a brand-new football… that was covered in mud. That led to a powerful lesson about patience.

Haw haw haw, gosh, I bet it did! You know what else teaches a powerful lesson about patience? Having to wait around for your political career to rise above the level of folksy pundit also-ran.

I bet that story'll be in Huckabee's next book, An Inane Easter: Thirteen Stories that Celebrate the True Values Voter Spirit.

Because when it comes to folksy, aw-shucksy, you-betchaness, he's still got nothing on The Sarahcuda…

As part of an effort to gauge Palin's popularity with the rank and file beyond the Beltway, where the GOP establishment is lukewarm toward the charismatic former governor, POLITICO surveyed nearly 50 prominent Republican Party officials and politicians, representing every region of the country and ranging from statewide-elected officeholders to state legislators to state and county party chairs.

Some refused to talk about her at all. Others, mostly her critics, would do so only off the record. But taken as a whole, the body of interviews revealed that despite Palin's high negative ratings in recent national polls, Republicans at the grass-roots level and their leaders still hold a very favorable impression of the former Alaska governor.

Hmmm… I wonder what's really going on here.

Charles M. Webster, the state GOP chairman in Maine, said Republicans there are very enthusiastic about Palin largely because they can see themselves in her.

No comment.

So, anyway, I am not writing that all over again (Too bad for you, because it was an amazing post; take my word for it.) Instead, here's a real quick highlight roundup, on the the off chance that you couldn't make it…

Mike Huckabee recommended sawing off the part of Manhattan that houses the United Nations and pushing it into the sea, because what's with all those non-America countries thinking they get to have opinions about things? I mean seriously…

Oh, and Rep. Trent Franks from Arizona finally let us know who Barack Obama is really trying to destroy: ALL OF HUMANITY!. I gotta say, that's actually a tad more far-reaching of a plan than I thought he'd go for in his first term. But, I guess Yes, We Can and all that, right?

And how could I possibly forget Joe the Plumber winning the coveted Golden Wrench? (That is not even a joke.) However, poor Mr. the Plumber — despite all his honors — still wasn't allowed to change out of his I-just-got-done-painting-the-garage uniform. (I wonder if he'll ever graduate to "real human being.")

All in all, I'd have to say this was the most successful "How to Take Back America*" conference ever. Good job, "How to Take Back America*" conferenceers!

.

^{* …from the minorities.}

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Palin? Pawlenty? Romney? You mean Loser, Loser and Loserbot?

Receiving between 12.4 percent and 11.9 percent of the vote were, in descending order, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2008; Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee; and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence.

Rounding out the field were former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the favorite of 6.7 percent of straw poll voters; Lousiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, 4.7 percent; former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, 2.5 percent; and Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, 2.18 percent.

There you have it, Mike Huckabee will be the One Chosen to defeat Antichrist Barack Obama in 2012, assuming the Republicans build a party strategy that consists entirely of banning abortion and not banning "Freebird."

I'd say there's at least a 28% chance of that.

If you can't make it to D.C. to rub elbows with the heavyweights of the conservative movement — Mike Huckabee, Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin (above, with his running mate) — have a taste of what you're missing…

* "Thugocracy: Fighting the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy"

* "Defunding Planned Parenthood"

* "Speechless: Silencing the Christians"

* "Obamacare: Rationing Your Life Away"

Yeah, those all sound pretty good. That schedule's nice and values-y. But where's the workshop for those of us who believe that global warming is nothing but a hoax perpetrated by evildoers whose only goal is to murder everyone on the planet?

* "Global Warming Hysteria: The New Face of the 'Pro-Death' Agenda"

Ahh, there it is. Phew.

I was getting worried for a minute there.

"There's great division within the American Jewish Community about the level of support for Israel," he went on. "I think they all support Israel, want to see it succeed. But you'll find people all over the board about whether they think is ought to have… absolute control over its border and whether they should give up land for peace and just how many countries can oversee Jerusalem at one time."

"I don't find that kind of dichotomy generally within the Evangelical community," Huckabee said. "It's pretty adamant: There ought to be one city. It ought to be a Jewish state. And it ought tot be secure. So maybe one of the hard things is to convince some of our Jewish friends that Evangelicals are the best friends they've got — because I think generally, that's the case."

Hmmm… That is weird! Why on earth would American Evangelical Christians be more supportive of Israel than American Jews? Talk about bizarre and completely unexplainable!

I'm wracking my brains, and I can't think of a single solitary reason why this would be.

Not a single one.

Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally sane, calm and rational. But there were still some loose ends left over from all the election insanity. Like Joe the Plumber. What ever happened to that guy?

Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber," has signed on as one of the stand-up comedians performing at September's "Funniest Celebrity in Washington" contest. The competition, now in its 16th year, is an annual gathering of politicos — funny and not so funny — awkwardly attempting comedy.

To be fair, this is a contest specifically designed for politicians and people from the political world to dip their toes into another world. But to be unfair, Joe Wurzelbacher isn't part of the political world. Like at all. He's just some dude. Dude belongs in shitty open mics instead. This is also funny…

Last year, former Gov. Mike Huckabee took home top honors.

If you guys think I'm being politically biased, I AM NOT! All politicians are unfunny. Man of the Year was just a movie, people (I actually had to check IMDB to make sure it was a movie, because I, like most Americans, didn't go see it).

Some of you might remember that earlier this summer, Glenn Beck launched a comedy tour. I only mention it because this line from the New York Times review of the show is funny…

There’s some cognitive dissonance there: one of his big applause lines, which is also one of his few clearly stated points, is “we need to stop spending.” On everything except Glenn Beck’s books and DVDs, apparently.

When a New York Times writer gets a good zing in about your comedy show, maybe it's time to give up the jester hat.

Here's a dramatization of Joe the Plumber coming up with his opening joke.

Or, maybe they're splitting the I am easily seduced by politicians with strong personalities vote.* Or maybe it's the I'm afraid of mannequins vote.

Ah, whatever. Bottom line: Mitt Romney has a statistically insignificant lead in the GOP primaries with only three years to go!

Mitt Romney continues to hold a slight edge over potential 2012 GOP presidential contenders among Republicans in a poll released Thursday…

Twenty-six percent of Republicans survived said they are most likely to support the former Massachusetts governor in the Gallup poll. Palin trails by five percent with 21 percent. Huckabee came in third with 19 percent and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich earned 14 percent and came in fourth.

I feel bad for Mike Huckabee. If only he were still governor of Arkansas. Then he'd be able to quit mid-term and boost his credibility with Republican voters.

^{* Too bad, because, as we saw in November, they do come out in force.}

"In a primary this is going to be an issue she'll have to face. Will she be able to withstand the pressure?" he asked.

How predictable, ironic, and as always, detached from the lives of ordinary Americans who are sick of the "politics of personal destruction." How sad that Mike Huckabee and the rest of the GOP presidential hopefuls will never understand; quitting your job for no sensible reason is about country. And though it's honorable for countless others to just do a bunch of crazy, selfish, shit while wrapping themselves up in the flag and asking everybody to pay attention and give her tons of news coverage but without saying anything negative or speculating about possible reasons for her sudden, insane departure, of course we know by now, for some reason a different standard applies for that Sarah Palin makes.

For shame, Mike Huckabee. For shame.