What do you do when a guy in a robe with a beard and a thick foreign accent approaches you on the street? Well, what can you do?

You beat the shit out of him with a tire iron before he gets a chance to slam himself into whatever World Trade Center happens to be nearby…

The Rev. Alexios Marakis, visiting from Greece, had performed a blessing of a retired Greek priest in the West Shore area before accidentally exiting I-275 into downtown Monday evening, police said. Marakis followed cars into the Seaport Channelside Apartments on Twiggs Street and got out to ask for help…

[U.S. Marines reservist Jasen] Bruce grabbed a tire iron from the trunk, hit Marakis four times over the head and chased him about three blocks before pinning the priest, police said…

When officers arrived, police say, Bruce told them he heard the man say "Allahu Akbar" – Arabic for "God is great." "That's what they say before they blow you up," Bruce said, according to police.

What lesson are we, as a nation, to take away from this sad and disturbing story. Well, I think there's only one lesson we can take away from it.

The terrorists are infiltrating our Greek Orthodox Churches!

Update: As I'm sure you're all aware by now, no situation is content with simply being ridiculous nowadays. Nope. It all has to be super-idiotic-ridiculous on WTF steroids. All of it!

With that in mind, this American Hero who beat up the priest — Jasen Bruce (of the wrongly spelled first name) — appears to be some kind of erotic model [NSFW?].

Why is this relevant? It's not. But this is how the world works now. And — let's face facts — if you're going get beaten to within an inch of your life by some xenophobic maniac, it might as well be a super-hunky xenophobic maniac.

(Thanks for the tip, bose.)

Everyone be quiet! Quiet! Some guy who claims to represent the magic man who lives in the sky has something very important to say about some other people who claim to represent some other magic man who lives in the sky…

A chief spokesman for the pro-life, far-right organization, American Family Association, has called for the purging of Muslim soldiers from military ranks in the wake of the tragic killings at Fort Hood.

Really? Really?! This comes as a huge shock to me, given how much these Christian right groups have time and time again shown how much respect they have for equality, civil liberties and Constitutional ideals.

But, hey hey hey hey! Don't walk away under the impression that the AFA or its Director of Issues Analysis Bryan Fischer thinks that every single Muslim (technical) citizen of the United States is just bursting at the chance to kill a real (white) American…

"Of course, most U.S. Muslims don't shoot up their fellow soldiers. Fine."

See? Totally open-minded.

"As soon as Muslims give us a foolproof way to identify their jihadis from their moderates, we'll go back to allowing them to serve."

Thanks, Christians! How Christ-like you are.

"You tell us who the ones are that we have to worry about, prove you're right, and Muslims can once again serve. Until that day comes, we simply cannot afford the risk. You invent a jihadi-detector that works every time it's used, and we'll welcome you back with open arms."

"This is not Islamophobia, it is Islamo-realism."

I can't even Islamo-bring myself to Islamo-give an Islamo-real response to Islamo-this.

It's just way too Christ-arded.

And The Karl Rove Award for Most Speedy and Shameless Use of a National Tragedy for Personal Political Gain goes to…

Lt. Col. Allen West (Ret), who is running for Congress in Florida's 22nd District, released a statement on Friday morning that heavily insinuated that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan — the soldier responsible for the Fort Hood killings — was a Muslim extremist.

"This enemy preys on downtrodden soldiers and teaches them extremism will lift them up," West said, in a statement titled "Terrorists Are Infiltrating Military". "Our soldiers are being brainwashed."…

In releasing his statement, West appears to be the first politician to claim a link between Malik Hasan's shooting rampage and Islamic extremism or terrorism. Reports on the incident aren't 100 percent clear. But they generally suggest that Malik Hasan was acting out of intense stress over a pending deployment to Iraq. That said, authorities have not ruled out that Hasan was acting on the behest of an unidentified radical group. Hasan was a lifelong Muslim who worked at a psychiatric hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.

Please bear in mind that Col. West managed to win this award without the use of nearly any pertinent information or time for serious analysis.

The Onion pretty much sums up everything there is to sum up here. I think we can all go home now…

Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu…

Other prominent Republicans opposing Obama's declaration of emergency include Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, who urged residents of his state to continue not washing their hands, and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday.

I don't think there's anything to add to that. We can probably all just go home now.

See also: U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

The president, it would seem, isn't particularly keen on taking seriously and criticisms of his (lack of) record of fulfilling campaign promises to help gay soldiers…

[T]he White House views this opposition as really part of the "internet left fringe"…

And for a sign of how seriously the White House does or doesn't take this opposition, one adviser told me today those bloggers need to take off their pajamas, get dressed and realize that governing a closely divided country is complicated and difficult.

Oh, George W. Bush just makes me so angry! I hate it when his administration says condescending things like that! Grrrrr… George W. Bush! Grrrrrr… I can't wait until we finally get rid of him and elect a decent president who realizes that people who think U.S. soldiers deserve better than to be fired for their sexual orientation aren't part of some crazy ultra-liberal group. Oh, George W. Bush, why are you still our president!

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot what year it was.

Nevermind. I take that all back. I think we should give the president the benefit of the doubt on this one. I'm sure his aides didn't mean "internet left fringe" or "take off their pajamas" in a condescending way.

And, I'm sure he'll pass some kind of anti-discrimination legislation for homosexuals eventually. I mean, it's not like it's January 19, 2017, right?

When I heard the US Military was funding a facility where men stare at goats, I got upset, because why should my tax dollars pay for a strip club in West Virginia? But I had my mind put at ease when I watched last night's Colbert Report. Turns out there's nothing weird at all about this program.

After the jump, Stephen interviews Jon Ronson, author of The Men Who Stare at Goats.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Read more »