We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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To the gridiron, patriots, and by gridiron I mean Capitol Hill! It is time to tackle the socialist problem of health care reform, and by tackle I mean tackle! Your starting quarterback for this game will be the one and only Michele Bachmann, bantamweight from Minnesota, the woman who kicked off the puck on Fox News the other day with a call for "freedom-loving Americans" to attend her "Super Bowl of Freedom" and help her cry foul in the offices of Congress at noon today. Goooooaaaaaaal!
Rep. Michele Bachmann's message for conservatives traveling to Washington to attend her Capitol Hill House Call event Thursday is simple: "Go into the Capitol and find members of Congress," she told activists Wednesday night. "Don't bring your pitchforks, bring your video cameras. And get them on record saying how they're going to vote and why. And tell them, 'Take your hands off my health care!'"
Of course, if you do have a spare pitchfork lying around, couldn't hurt to bring it along. Just in case you happen to catch Nancy Pelosi trying to slam dunk a public option over the last wicket when the umpire isn't looking.
p.s.: Everybody, please be nice to Dennis today. Some group called the Yankees did something bad last night — caved to anti-choice Blue Dogs on abortion provisions, maybe? — and I know he's upset.
Look who's sniffing at the hindquarters of 2012: Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, or "TPaw," which is what he calls himself when he slips into his badass presidential candidate alter ego.
He equated abortion with murder, noted that the Earth is cooling, not warming, and said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke and the Treasury secretaries in the Bush and Obama administrations were "misguided" at best in declaring certain financial and manufacturing organizations too big to be allowed to fail.
Dang, this fella Pawlenty, he's some smart. How could the Earth be warming if I had to dig out my sweaters just the other day? But I'm still not convinced that he's the one guy I want to wave cardboard signs for…
In the telephone interview, the 48-year-old, hockey-playing Republican also repeated the standard early denials of presidential aspirations.
Ding ding ding ding!
You know, they say, the difference between a hockey-playing Republican and a pitbull?
Breaking News! The New York Times's Caucus blog is reporting that Al Franken is a funny guy…
[Franken] has been otherwise subdued since he came to Capitol Hill nearly three months ago. But today, Mr. Franken had the standing-room-only hearing room chortling on multiple occasions.
Aw, man! This is gonna be good!
"'If men were angels, then there would be no need for government,' I think that's Madison," he said.
Eh?
Oh, hang on, this next bit is gonna be hilarious!
Mr. Franken also appeared to [be] sharing something amusing on a BlackBerry with Senators Sheldon Whitehouse, of Rhode Island, and Amy Klobuchar, Minnesota’s senior senator.
Wait a minute. Didn't he steal that bit from Lenny Bruce?
Alright, I'm sorry. I apologize. This wasn't really that funny or even that interesting. I was scrambling around, looking for something — anything! — to throw up onto the blog, and I found this thing about Al Franken, and I figured, What the fuck? Things he does and says must be considered funny by people by nature of the fact that he used to be a comedian. So, I will just regurgitate this boring drivel onto the blog, and nobody will know the difference. I shouldn't have, but I did. I apologize.
Gee, I wonder if any other blogs ever do stuff like that?
You know who's not going to let his state give any more money to ACORN? Tim Pawlenty…
Saying he was concerned by "questionable behavior and potentially illegal activity" by ACORN, [Minnesota Gov.] Pawlenty ordered his budget office to "stop all state funding to ACORN unless the state is legally obligated to provide such funding."
Yeah! You tell 'em, Tim! Oh, and one other thing…
ACORN deputy political director Kevin Whelan said neither ACORN nor its partner, ACORN Housing Corp., is currently receiving funding from the state.
Okay, whatever. Who says ACORN has to be receiving state funding from Minnesota in order for Tim Pawlenty to stop funding ACORN with funds they aren't receiving from the state of Minnesota? Please. Tim Pawlenty doesn't need "actual reality" dictating his policy decisions.
Wow. This I'm gonna talk calmly and reasonably about the facts behind health care reform bit Al Franken's doing has got to be one of the least funny routines he's pulled out in a long time…
And, ya see, he got nary a single laugh out of this crowd of angry conservatives.
I'll bet you they would have appreciated his old brain tumor bit more.
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Look who's sniffing at the hindquarters of 2012: Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, or "
Breaking News! The New York Times's Caucus blog is reporting that Al Franken 
