I have now run out of sports words, so let's go to the quote…

Rep. Michele Bachmann's message for conservatives traveling to Washington to attend her Capitol Hill House Call event Thursday is simple: "Go into the Capitol and find members of Congress," she told activists Wednesday night. "Don't bring your pitchforks, bring your video cameras. And get them on record saying how they're going to vote and why. And tell them, 'Take your hands off my health care!'"

Of course, if you do have a spare pitchfork lying around, couldn't hurt to bring it along. Just in case you happen to catch Nancy Pelosi trying to slam dunk a public option over the last wicket when the umpire isn't looking.

^{p.s.: Everybody, please be nice to Dennis today. Some group called the Yankees did something bad last night — caved to anti-choice Blue Dogs on abortion provisions, maybe? — and I know he's upset.}

Speaking of, in a weekend interview with the Washington Times, ol' TPaw did everything short of revealing his campaign theme song…

He equated abortion with murder, noted that the Earth is cooling, not warming, and said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke and the Treasury secretaries in the Bush and Obama administrations were "misguided" at best in declaring certain financial and manufacturing organizations too big to be allowed to fail.

Dang, this fella Pawlenty, he's some smart. How could the Earth be warming if I had to dig out my sweaters just the other day? But I'm still not convinced that he's the one guy I want to wave cardboard signs for…

In the telephone interview, the 48-year-old, hockey-playing Republican also repeated the standard early denials of presidential aspirations.

Ding ding ding ding!

You know, they say, the difference between a hockey-playing Republican and a pitbull?

A mullet.

[Franken] has been otherwise subdued since he came to Capitol Hill nearly three months ago. But today, Mr. Franken had the standing-room-only hearing room chortling on multiple occasions.

Aw, man! This is gonna be good!

"'If men were angels, then there would be no need for government,' I think that's Madison," he said.

Eh?

Oh, hang on, this next bit is gonna be hilarious!

Mr. Franken also appeared to [be] sharing something amusing on a BlackBerry with Senators Sheldon Whitehouse, of Rhode Island, and Amy Klobuchar, Minnesota’s senior senator.

Wait a minute. Didn't he steal that bit from Lenny Bruce?

Alright, I'm sorry. I apologize. This wasn't really that funny or even that interesting. I was scrambling around, looking for something — anything! — to throw up onto the blog, and I found this thing about Al Franken, and I figured, What the fuck? Things he does and says must be considered funny by people by nature of the fact that he used to be a comedian. So, I will just regurgitate this boring drivel onto the blog, and nobody will know the difference. I shouldn't have, but I did. I apologize.

Gee, I wonder if any other blogs ever do stuff like that?

You know who's not going to let his state give any more money to ACORN? Tim Pawlenty…

Saying he was concerned by "questionable behavior and potentially illegal activity" by ACORN, [Minnesota Gov.] Pawlenty ordered his budget office to "stop all state funding to ACORN unless the state is legally obligated to provide such funding."

Yeah! You tell 'em, Tim! Oh, and one other thing…

ACORN deputy political director Kevin Whelan said neither ACORN nor its partner, ACORN Housing Corp., is currently receiving funding from the state.

Okay, whatever. Who says ACORN has to be receiving state funding from Minnesota in order for Tim Pawlenty to stop funding ACORN with funds they aren't receiving from the state of Minnesota? Please. Tim Pawlenty doesn't need "actual reality" dictating his policy decisions.

Pawlenty/Unicorn '12!

That's pretty impressive; you've got to admit. I doubt that I could even name all 47 states* from memory.

.

^{* Relax, Agents of SIWOTI. It was a joke. I'm fully aware that there are 57 states in the union.}

And, ya see, he got nary a single laugh out of this crowd of angry conservatives.

I'll bet you they would have appreciated his old brain tumor bit more.

(via Boing Boing)

She's also a genuine medical expert…

At one point, Bachmann told the crowd: "I believe we have the best health care in the world… I far prefer American health care than medical care in the U.K. any day of the week," Bachmann said.

Lifting a stack of news reports about the health care problems in England, Bachmann told a story about women having to give birth in hospital hallways.

One angry male constituent yelled, "That happens here." And Bachmann quickly retorted, "I've given birth here probably more times than you, sir."

Notice how Bachmann – a mother of five — used the word "probably"? That's a medical term. It means "hemogoblin."

So, what she's really saying here is that if we reform health care, that'll wake up the hemogoblin that lives under the bridge, and he'll come and steal our grandparents in the middle of the night.

That's science.

Rep. Bachmann must be furious about this story, then, especially since it took place right in her home state of Minnesota…

A public forum on Social Security drew a crowd at St. Cloud Public Library on Tuesday, despite the absence of its host for all but 10 minutes.

Seems this important forum — or town hall meeting, if you will –  was supposed to be "hosted" by a member of Congress, someone with the ability to actually do something about Social Security, not just a randomly-chosen government functionary with the ability to recite facts from the Social Security website. What on earth happened?

A packed room listened to Christina Powell, an official with the Social Security Administration, as she explained the government retirement program in a forum titled "What Every Woman Should Know About Social Security."

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., whose office issued a news release billing her as the event's host, appeared an hour into the forum, spoke briefly, then left for another meeting without taking questions.

Okay, okay, this does look bad, listening-to-regular-Americans-wise. But remember, God gets regular meetings with Michele Bachmann.

So if you live in Minnesota and are concerned about Social Security, just start praying. I'm sure He'll pass it on.

Have you been reading the news from Minnesota? Maybe you're preoccupied with more important matters, like Paula Abdul leaving Idol. But it seems Rep. Michele Bachmann is waiting to hear from you, and, um, the fate of our country hangs in the balance…

[WorldNetDaily] asked Bachmann if she could see a day when [she] would one day run for the presidency.

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she answered. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That's really my standard.

"If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve," she concluded, "but if I am not called, I wouldn't do it."

The thing is, God, she isn't kidding about not seeking higher office if You don't tell her to do it. Remember how she got to the House of Representatives in the first place?

"God then called me to run for the United States Congress, and I thought 'What in the world will that be for?' and my husband said 'You need to do this,' and I wasn’t so sure, and we took 3 days and we fasted and we prayed and we said, 'Lord. Is this what you want? Is this your will?' and after long about the afternoon of day two, He made that calling sure."

God, I have no idea how You "make a calling sure" these days (text message?). I'm just going to suggest that it would be nice if You refrain from parting any major rivers when Michele Bachmann is watching. Don't let the shrubs around her house catch fire. Please don't build any cloud formations that spell out "Bachmann 2012."

Because if this really is the end times it would be far more merciful to destroy the planet with a divine lighting bolt, instead of putting us through that campaign.

Amen.

* The scariest aspect of the health care debate.

* Sarah Palin kicked off Facebook.

* Just kidding. Her ghost writer still gets to post. (Ed note: Whew!)

* Michele Bachmann does not want anyone "Palinizing" her. Of course not. What kind of congresswoman do you think she is? Besides, she's perfectly capable of Palinizing herself.

* Onion News Network: Peta Protest Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment of Women.

* Please mark your race: Caucasian, Negro, Mongoloid or Neanderthal.