Mitt Romney
October 8 at 4:00PM
 If you don't check Mitt Romney's "Free and Strong America" website on the regular, I can only assume it's because you're the kind of jerk who prefers an Enslaved and Wimpy America. But just in case you missed it, here's Mitt's hot new video about cap-and-trade legislation (no embed code, uncool, man).
See, according to Mitt, a cap-and-trade system "could cost the average American family $1,761 a year, the equivalent of a 15% income tax hike." Fine, except a) that's not true and b) if you are Mitt Romney, $1,761 is more like the equivalent of a 0.0000015% income tax hike.
Anyway, enjoy watching your 2012 GOP frontrunner as he talks about math and tries to remember to blink in a human-like fashion, and when you're done, how about making a "generous contribution"? Any amount welcome, from $25 to $1,000 to $5,000, maybe with an emphasis on the higher end there.
Just remember: a $5,000 donation to Mitt Romney is the equivalent of a 42.58% income tax hike.
September 24 at 11:33AM
 With the tragic death of Sen. Ted Kennedy at the age of however-old-he-was, it appeared that Massachusetts would be left underrepresented in the Senate, right in the middle of the health care debate, a debate that — like booze –was very dear to Kennedy's heart.
This was due to the fact that four years ago — back when Massachusetts senator John Kerry was running for president — the state amended its constitution so that interim senators could not be appointed without a special election.
But, hey, that was four years ago. The world was a very, very different place back then. I mean, there was a Republican governor! Can you even imagine? Anyway, that craziness has all changed, so guess what happened.
And then guess what's happening now…
Governor Deval Patrick will announce on Thursday that Paul G. Kirk, Jr. will be named as the temporary replacement to fill Ted Kennedy's vacant senate seat, WBZ has learned.
Hmmm… Who is Paul G. Kirk, Jr.? Why does his name sound familiar? Well, I don't know the answer to that, but you're probably just confused.
Although, I suppose it's possible that you remember him as a pharmaceutical lobbyist for Aventis ten years ago. No? How about as the chairman of Democratic National Committee from 1985 to 1989. Not that either, huh? How about his stint as treasurer of the Democratic Party in 1983? Special assistant to Sen. Ted Kennedy from 1969 to 1977, which included the fallout from the senator's notorious incident on Chappaquiddick island in '69?
Do you maybe remember him having a fight to the death with a Vulcan caught deep in the throes of Pon farr? That's what I thought. You're confused.
September 21 at 9:00AM
 Take notice, 2012: Mike Huckabee swept the presidential fantasy vote at this weekend's Values Voter Summit, winning 28% of the nation's valuesiest straw poll.
Palin? Pawlenty? Romney? You mean Loser, Loser and Loserbot?
Receiving between 12.4 percent and 11.9 percent of the vote were, in descending order, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2008; Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee; and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence.
Rounding out the field were former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the favorite of 6.7 percent of straw poll voters; Lousiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, 4.7 percent; former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, 2.5 percent; and Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, 2.18 percent.
There you have it, Mike Huckabee will be the One Chosen to defeat Antichrist Barack Obama in 2012, assuming the Republicans build a party strategy that consists entirely of banning abortion and not banning "Freebird."
I'd say there's at least a 28% chance of that.
August 28 at 12:55PM
It's a sad day for Massachusettsians who've been hoping Ted Kennedy's vacant Senate seat would be filled by someone with all the charisma of an ATM: Mitt Romney says he's busy, thanks…
"Governor Romney's focus right now is on helping other Republicans run for office, and that is how he will be spending his time," Romney aide Eric Fehrnstrom said in an e-mail to CNN.
How noble of the Romneybot, to spend his time helping other Republicans run for office! Gee, I wonder how long he'll keep that up… until 2010? 2011? 2013? Who can hazard even the tiniest, wildest guess?
Oh, and one other thing. Despite not wanting Kennedy's seat out of the goodness of his own heart, Romney is attending the funeral, where he will pay tribute to the man he challenged for a Senate seat in '94, back when he wasn't so generous. And — funny coincidence — just like President Obama, Romney is leaving his vacation early to join the mourners.
But UNLIKE Barack Obama, who is insulting taxpayers with his high-falutin' Martha's Vineyard vacation, Mitt Romney is…
…cutting short his vacation in Italy to attend Kennedy’s funeral.
Man, the conservative talk show hosts are gonna destroy this guy in 2012.
August 26 at 9:28AM
 Sen. Kennedy was apparently aware that he would soon be adjourning to the Great Kennedy Compound in the Sky, because just last week he asked Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick (a Democrat) and top state legislators (Democrats) to amend the state's constitution to allow for an interim senator to be quickly put in his place if he should be unable to serve, especially in the middle of the current health care reform debate…
In his letter, which was obtained by the Globe, Kennedy said that he backs the current succession law, enacted in 2004, which gives voters the power to fill a US Senate vacancy. But he said the state and country need two Massachusetts senators.
"I strongly support that law and the principle that the people should elect their senator," Kennedy wrote. "I also believe it is vital for this Commonwealth to have two voices speaking for the needs of its citizens and two votes in the Senate during the approximately five months between a vacancy and an election."
Under the 2004 law, if Kennedy were to die or step down, voters would select his successor in a special election to be held within five months of the vacancy. But the law makes no provisions for Massachusetts to be represented in the Senate in the interim. In the meantime, President Obama’s plan to overhaul the nation’s health care system, the fate of which may hinge on one or two votes, could come before Congress.
I'm not sure sure where that legislation stands today, but if I have a strong suspicion that the state of Massachusetts didn't suddenly get it together enough in one week at the tail end of August to overhaul their constitution.
Oh, by the way, the best part about this is that the Massachusetts state legislator just five years ago — when John Kerry (Democrat) was running for president and Mitt Romney (Republican) was governor — amended their constitution so that the governor couldn't appoint a senator.
I wonder what changed between then and now.
August 3 at 9:00AM
Over the weekend the anonymous proprietor of a Blogspot publication filed an exclusive! (and explosive!) story about Sarah Palin, but only after extensive! background research consisting of a conversation with this one guy/lady who claims to know things that may or may not be true.
Sounds reliable enough…
Earlier this week one of my best sources claimed to have explosive new information for me. It took all week for us to finally get together, but last night we finally sat down for an amazing conversation. And what I heard made my jaw drop.
According to my source Sarah is finished with Todd and has decided to end their marriage.
Apparently in a fit of anger Sarah stripped the ring from her finger and tossed it into a lake. (No I did not think to ask WHICH lake so I cannot confirm if it is Lake Lucille, on which her house is located, or some other lake. I apologize for not getting clarification, but I was a little tired last night and so was my source.)
Presumably these folks have since gotten their naps, but in the meantime, what are the odds that an elected official, or even a former elected official, is going to acknowledge every scrap of unsubstantiated blathermongering that makes its way to the internet by issuing an actual response through an actual spokesperson?
Right. About as good as the odds that Sarah Palin is having a sexy secret affair with Mitt Romney.
Which I hear, exclusively, is the case.
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