Fancy Nancy Pelosi has her heart set on a Saturday vote for this health care thing, because there is nothing in the Constitution to stop her from working on a weekend, but people on both sides of the aisle are digging in their heels, shaking their heads, throwing things, etc., so the vote may not happen until Sunday if it happens at all.

The reason should be obvious…

The question of abortion coverage in the health care bill has bedeviled top Democrats for weeks. Under its current language, the measure would allow individuals to purchase policies through a new insurance exchange that would cover abortion procedures.

Getting "abortion" mixed up with "valid legal medical care" is, of course, contrary to everything America stands for. Doesn't anyone have a better idea, one that won't just cater to pro-choice types?

Democratic leaders may turn to compromise language drafted by Rep. Brad Ellsworth, an Indiana Democrat opposed to abortion rights. Ellsworth has proposed using private contractors to pay providers of abortion services – an idea that has come under fire from both supporters and opponents of abortion rights.

Nice work, Rep. Ellsworth! I don't have a dictionary handy, but I'm pretty sure that's the textbook definition of a compromise.

Say what you will about Dick Cheney (He's a fascist! He scared away all the unicorns! He has Hitler's mustache where his heart should be!), but you have to hand it to him for sticking with the name Dick. He knows it's perhaps the most common euphemism for a penis, and he knows there are several other names one called Richard could hang on himself, but he just stands tall (well, not tall, but you know what I mean) and owns it. That kind of courage reminds me a lot of my Aunt Twat.

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Since you were already planning as dressing up as Sexy Teabagger anyway…

(via Andrew Sullivan)

Twenty-four hours ago I wrote this silly list of the different public option versions we've seen floating around, and silly me, I missed one. Meet what a CNN headline writer is calling the "tempered" public option…

This version would allow doctors to negotiate reimbursement rates with the federal government, the aides said Wednesday.

The proposal would be a blow to Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who has argued for a more "robust" public option, one that ties reimbursement rates for providers and hospitals to Medicare rates plus a 5 percent increase.

But the votes aren't there for a robust public option, so the "more moderate" "tempered" "other" public option it is. None of those descriptors are catchy at all! How about we call it the "alternative public option"? That might appeal to disenfranchised youth. "Lite public option," on account of that obesity problem? Or, duh: "doctored public option."

By the way, in case you are confused, here is exactly why the public option has been de-testicled:

Democratic House aides said party leaders had yet to resolve long-standing disputes over provisions to prevent federal funds from being used to subsidize abortions and to block illegal immigrants from receiving benefits.

So good luck with your cancer or whatever as the costs of the [adjective here] public option get tied to the medical inflation rates that made a public option necessary in the first place. The important thing is that no money's going to those gals who receive the legal medical service of pregnancy termination. And no Mexicans, either.

We've been so wrapped up in the details of health care reform — public options, optional public options, robust public options, public options with a trigger, public options with optional bucket seats, etc. — that we have completely forgotten the most important question of all time: Is any of this even in the Constitution? Anywhere?

The Washington Times is on the case…

Does the U.S. Constitution allow the government to require uninsured Americans to buy medical insurance or impose a tax penalty if they refuse? Congress has never before required citizens to purchase any good or service, but that is what both House and Senate health bills would mandate.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi dismissed the complaint Thursday when she was asked by a reporter if the Democrats' health reform proposal was constitutional.

"Are you serious? Are you serious?" Mrs. Pelosi replied.

No, Nancy Pelosi, are you serious about the Constitution? Is anyone around here serious about the Constitution?

House Minority Leader John A. Boehner said the argument could not be ignored. "I'm not a lawyer, and I'm certainly not a constitutional lawyer, but I think it's wrong to mandate that the American people have to do anything," he told reporters at his own press briefing last week.

Fuck yes, John Boehner! That's what I'm talking about!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta grab the license I don't have and drive my uninsured car the wrong way down this one-way street, because my 18-year-old brother needs a ride home from refusing to register with the Selective Service System.

In just a few short months, the US war in Afghanistan will becomes the longest running war in American history. Some say it jumped the shark years ago, but I personally think it's still better than most other wars these days, even if it's not up to the same quality it was six or seven years ago. All I'm saying is, this McChrystal character seems like he could breath new life into it, and I still look forward to the Treehouse of Horror episode every year.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.