If only we could find a palate cleanser, something to scrub our tongues of this foul European taste… well, well, what have we here: remember when Mr. Beck introduced us to the spirit of his great-great-great-grandfather, Thomas Paine? Tom's back, and he's ready to serve up a heapin' helpin' of common sense:

Amazing stuff! I think my favorite part is at 3:10, when Tom tells us to "get on the phone" and demand "excellence" instead of "bilingual education" in schools — see how he plays it off real cool, like he's been using those magic talk-throwing boxes forever?

Let him then forever be remembered like this…

And like this…

[Franken] has been otherwise subdued since he came to Capitol Hill nearly three months ago. But today, Mr. Franken had the standing-room-only hearing room chortling on multiple occasions.

Aw, man! This is gonna be good!

"'If men were angels, then there would be no need for government,' I think that's Madison," he said.

Eh?

Oh, hang on, this next bit is gonna be hilarious!

Mr. Franken also appeared to [be] sharing something amusing on a BlackBerry with Senators Sheldon Whitehouse, of Rhode Island, and Amy Klobuchar, Minnesota’s senior senator.

Wait a minute. Didn't he steal that bit from Lenny Bruce?

Alright, I'm sorry. I apologize. This wasn't really that funny or even that interesting. I was scrambling around, looking for something — anything! — to throw up onto the blog, and I found this thing about Al Franken, and I figured, What the fuck? Things he does and says must be considered funny by people by nature of the fact that he used to be a comedian. So, I will just regurgitate this boring drivel onto the blog, and nobody will know the difference. I shouldn't have, but I did. I apologize.

Gee, I wonder if any other blogs ever do stuff like that?

Does Kanye West's asshole-ish behavior at the VMAs signal the beginning of the end for America? The obvious answer to that question would seem to be, No, but patently stupid suggestions like that might be.

However, David Brooks — New York Times columnist and big Taylor Swift fan (apparently) — would disagree (for some reason)… 

I am heavily invested in Ms. Swift’s welfare and was grievously afflicted when Kanye West ruined her big moment the other night. My fear is this trauma will send Ms. Swift into the slough of despond and her next album will make Alanis Morissette seem like a trip to Disney World.

My secondary fear is that this moment will mark a turning point in World History, like the battle of Gettysburg, the defeat of the Spanish Armada or when Hot Lips became sympathetic on "M*A*S*H." I've really begun to get quite glum about the future of the republic.

In addition to the swiftboating of Swift, there is this fact: there is a broad consensus on what we need to do to solve many of our major problems, but no political way to get there… It all reminds me of a thesis that Mancur Olson came up with many years ago, which was nicely explained in Jonathan Rauch's book, "Demosclerosis." The thesis was that as nations age they develop entrenched relationships that close off certain avenues of change. This leads to the decline of nations.

Somebody needs to drive to David Brooks' house and make sure he's okay.

When he's not looking, you'd better pull all the knives out of the silverware drawer and hide them.

"He was a quintessential Kennedy, in the sense that he had all the warts as well as all the charisma and a lot of the strengths," said Norman J. Ornstein, a political scientist at the American Enterprise Institute.

"If his father, Joe, had surveyed, from an early age up to the time of his death, all of his children, his sons in particular, and asked to rank them on talents, effectiveness, likelihood to have an impact on the world, Ted would have been a very poor fourth. Joe, John, Bobby… Ted.

"He was the survivor," Mr. Ornstein continued. "He was not a shining star that burned brightly and faded away. He had a long, steady glow."

So, Ted Kennedy's greatest strength was his ability to not get himself killed in war or assassinated at an early age? Am I wrong, or is that the takeaway message from that quote?

Now, I'm not a fancy New York Times obituary writer, but — to my crude non-obituary-writing ears — that seems like kind of shitty thing to say about a person who just died.

But I guess that's why the New York Times never did hire me to write obituaries for them. (Though, I'm still holding out hope that my resume slipped between the desk and the wall.)

Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally sane, calm and rational. But there were still some loose ends left over from all the election insanity. Like Joe the Plumber. What ever happened to that guy?

Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber," has signed on as one of the stand-up comedians performing at September's "Funniest Celebrity in Washington" contest. The competition, now in its 16th year, is an annual gathering of politicos — funny and not so funny — awkwardly attempting comedy.

To be fair, this is a contest specifically designed for politicians and people from the political world to dip their toes into another world. But to be unfair, Joe Wurzelbacher isn't part of the political world. Like at all. He's just some dude. Dude belongs in shitty open mics instead. This is also funny…

Last year, former Gov. Mike Huckabee took home top honors.

If you guys think I'm being politically biased, I AM NOT! All politicians are unfunny. Man of the Year was just a movie, people (I actually had to check IMDB to make sure it was a movie, because I, like most Americans, didn't go see it).

Some of you might remember that earlier this summer, Glenn Beck launched a comedy tour. I only mention it because this line from the New York Times review of the show is funny…

There’s some cognitive dissonance there: one of his big applause lines, which is also one of his few clearly stated points, is “we need to stop spending.” On everything except Glenn Beck’s books and DVDs, apparently.

When a New York Times writer gets a good zing in about your comedy show, maybe it's time to give up the jester hat.

Here's a dramatization of Joe the Plumber coming up with his opening joke.

* I think Anarachy Bear's dilemma might be moot. I mean, have you been paying attention what's been going on with Dittohead Bear?

* The New York Times fires columnist Ben Stein for questioning evolution, believing in God and being critical of Barack Obama… Oh, and also maybe a little bit for engaging in consumer fraud. But just a little.

* Who will Barack Obama's Death Panel vote off of this island we call life? He's not here to make friends.

* It looks like Kim Jong Il will live to pretend to be healthy another day.

* New poll: 7% of New Jerseyans involved in human organ harvesting operation with their local mayor.

Bill O'Reilly will not have you besmirching the good (evil) name of his people…

If nothing else, it's nice to see that O'Reilly's been coming to terms with his place in the world.

Here's the Maureen Dowd column that got his evil, white hackles up in the first place.

CIA chief Leon Panetta just found out about this thing a couple weeks ago, and he finally gave Congress the heads up, but even Leon Panetta won't/can't tell us what, precisely, Cheney's "secret counterterrorism program" entailed — though it was most likely part of an effort to kill Al Qaeda operatives. (Perhaps by draining their bodies of life-force before moving on to the next host?)

So, um, anybody want to comment?

Efforts to reach Mr. Cheney through relatives and associates were unsuccessful. [...] An intelligence agency spokesman, Paul Gimigliano, declined on Saturday to comment on the report of Mr. Cheney’s role. [...] Bill Harlow, a spokesman for George J. Tenet, who was the C.I.A. director when the unidentified program began, declined to comment on Saturday, noting that the program remained classified. [...] [Cheney's legal adviser David S.] Addington could not be reached for comment on Saturday.

If I didn't know better, I might say that Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI) sounds a bit frustrated…

Mr. Hoekstra, the intelligence committee’s ranking Republican, said he would not judge the agency harshly in the case of the unidentified program, because it was not fully operational. But he said that in general, the agency had not been as forthcoming as the law required.

“We have to pull the information out of them to get what we need,” Mr. Hoekstra said.

Right! If only we had some sort of organized program for advanced interrogation techniques that are designed to extract critical information from high-level suspects.

Oh, but what are the odds of that.

* Ten Ways Jesus Changed the World

* Church Features "Obama Jesus"

* Poll: Obama Has Most Polarized Early Job Approval in 4 Decades

* Barack Obama Really Does Go On A Bit

* Obama adviser made millions from TARP banks

* NYT hides Blago-Rezko Connection

* Sarkozy Tells Obama to Butt Out

* Ted Nugent: Praying for Obama to Fail

Any day with a Ted Nugent headline is a good day.