Earlier today, Mary pointed out how 52% Republican voters attribute Barack Obama's unfair election victory last year to the sinister powers of ACORN. (That's even higher than the percentage who attribute it to liberal chupacabras, reverse-unicorns and the creeping existence dark matter combined. Wow!)

Now, in another heroic roundhouse kick against acceptance of reality, unsuccessful conservative congressional candidate (NY-23) Doug Hoffman has yet another nefarious deed of ACORN's. They stole his election…

As evidence surfaces, we find out that reported results from election night were far from accurate. ACORN and the unions did their best to try and sway the results to Obamacare supporter Bill Owens.

Rest assured, they will not succeed, and I am therefore revoking my statement of concession…

Recent developments leave me to wonder who is scheming behind closed doors, twisting arms and stealing elections from the voters of NY-23.

I'm sure you are as dismayed as I am to learn of the mischief that took place in Oswego and neighboring counties. We know this would not be the first time for the ACORN faithful to tamper with democracy.

Fucking ACORN. If they're not hiding my house keys, traveling back in time to help out in the bombing of Pearl Harbor, or co-writing Old Dogs, they're stealing elections in suburban fiercely-conservative Republican stronghold districts.

Does their evil brilliance know no end?

Nine eleven nine eleven, nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven. Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven! Nine eleven nine eleven nine?

Eleven…

Former Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani has decided not to run for governor of New York next year after months of mulling a candidacy, according to people who have been told of the decision.

Nine eleven nine eleven?

It was not clear what prompted the decision, but the prospect of potentially facing Attorney General Andrew M. Cuomo, who is quietly planning his own run for governor on the Democratic ticket, may not have appealed to Mr. Giuliani, who suffered a bruising defeat in the 2008 Republican presidential primary. While many political analysts believe Mr. Giuliani would have comfortably beaten Gov. David A. Paterson, he would likely have faced an uphill battle against Mr. Cuomo, one of the most popular politicians in the state.

Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven. Nine eleven nine eleven nine: eleven nine eleven; nine eleven nine eleven; nine eleven nine; eleven nine.

Eleven nine eleven.

Update: Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven. Nine eleven?!?!

Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani has decided not to run for governor next year – but will run for U.S. Senate instead, sources told the Daily News.

If elected, the source said, he could use that as a stepping stone to run for President in 2012 — rather than run for re-election to the Senate.

Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven.

Last week, I reported that teabagging candidate Doug Hoffman still had a chance of winning the NY-23 congressional seat away from Democrat Whatever His Name Is and thus averting the tragedy of surrendering that seat to a Democrat for the first time since it was legal in the country to own human beings.

Well, he's still got a chance, but it's not looking quite as chancerific as it was last week. Say la vee. (La vee.)

This leads us to wonder if Republicans — despite growing dissatisfaction with congressional Democrats — the the GOP could still be getting ready to Scozzafava away all of its moderate (reasonable) candidates for 2010 and still end up losing ground.

According to this poll from CNN, that seems to be a possibility…

The poll indicates that a slight majority, 51 percent, of Republicans would prefer to see the GOP in their area nominate candidates who agree with them on all the major the issues even if they have a poor chance of beating the Democratic candidate. Forty-three percent of Republicans say they would rather have candidates with whom they don't agree on all the important issues but who can beat the Democrats.

Democrats polled seemed to place a slightly higher priority on electoral victory: 58 percent say that they would like their party to nominate candidates who can beat Republicans, even if they don't agree with those candidates on all the issues. Fewer than 4 in 10 Democrats say they would rather see their party nominate candidates who agree with them on all major issues, but have a poor chance of beating the Republican candidate.

Translation: Republicans are obstinate and unrealistic, while Democrats are cowardly and accepting of mediocrity.

So, this poll gives us no new information.

Remember how last week, liberal asshats — like this jagoff over here — were being all hahaha about the only teeny tiny little bit of good news that came out of Election Night?

Well, the Teabagger who hahahas last, hahahas the most depressingly for America…

Although [Conservative Doug] Hoffman was reportedly down by 5,335 votes when he conceded the election last Tuesday night, a recanvassing of the county’s 11 districts has Hoffman trailing [Democrat Bill] Owens by just 3,026 votes — 63,672 to 66,698. The largest voting error was found in what was supposed to be Hoffman’s stronghold, Oswego County. Election night reports there showed the Conservative Party candidate holding onto a slim lead of 500 votes; the revised results have Hoffman's margin at 1,748.

The results of the recanvassing mean that the election will be decided by a count of absentee ballots. More than 11,000 were reportedly distributed.

If he does end up winning, you won't need to read about it in the papers or online? You'll hear it. It'll be the sound of a hundred thousand Teabaggers screaming out in simultaneous orgasmic ecstacy.

Dede Scozzafava never got to  realize her goal of making it into the United States House of Representatives, which must be difficult. And I don't suppose that making it into the Urban Dictionary is much consolation…

Scozzafavaed
(Pronounced: /skoʊzəfavəd/)
-verb

1. Purged of moderation, e.g., within in a Congressional district
2. Inadvertently revealed internal chaos, e.g., within in a political party
3. Adj., Doomed due to popular support of the GOP electorate

"Dude, you see Glenn Beck talking about how our congressman supports indoctrinating us in the ways of socialism through paper money last night? We need to get him Scozzafavaed."

Could have been worse. Could have been much worse.

(via Talking Points Memo)

In light of Tuesday's elections, one thing is abundantly clear: If you want your boring local election to gain unwarranted national weight and prominence, hold it in an off year. Better yet, don't even hold it in November. Move your deputy county comptroller election to April 2011, and watch it become a bellwether referendum on the future of all carbon-based species.

After the jump, coverage of the election results continues with The Daily Show.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday starting at 11pm / 10c.

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