If you're alive enough to read this, consider yourself among the lucky ones. Somehow, President Obama's death panels haven't gotten to you yet. But don't think you're safe. None of us are safe from the death panels. Soylent Healthcare is people!

The Daily Show's coverage of Obama's death panels continues after the jump followed by Stephen Colbert's take.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday beginning at 11pm / 10c.

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Holy God, I just found the most terrifying piece of speculative reporting from Politics Daily's Bob Franken. Just do me a favor and read the first paragraph…

It is noon, Jan. 20, 2013. Sarah Palin raises her right hand to be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States.

Did you have a physiological reaction to that string of words? Keep reading; it gets worse…

Palin had won a decisive victory over the incumbent, Barack Obama. The country was still trapped in economic rubble, and voters had tired of Obama's campaign slogan, "I Inherited This."…

After years as co-host of "The Jerry Springer Show," Sarah Palin had returned to the fray and run an unstoppable campaign… Palin convinced Newt Gingrich to join her on the ticket as vice president by promising he'd really be in charge of the administration — similar to the arrangement between Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

This is where I stopped reading the article. I know it's stupid, but I couldn't make myself go on. It's like those Saw movies that I never have and never will see. I just can't justify subjecting myself to torture porn.

And, the scariest thing about it is that it technically can happen.

It turns out Mark Sanford is just the latest in a long line of victims of the so-called Clinton Curse. I wasn't aware of that one, but I did hear about this guy down in Texas who picked up a woman in a bar and took her to a motel. The next morning, he woke up in a bathtub full of ice and on the bathroom mirror, scrawled in lipstick was, "WELCOME TO THE GOP." Ooh, just gave myself chills.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

In the wake of the extreme weirdness of S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford's Appalargentinian secret getaway, First Read takes a look at how some of the other hopefuls for the GOP nomination in 2012 have been faring.

If only we could have fifteen presidents. The choosing is just too hard!

The Republican Party's tailspin up its own ass continues, as evidenced by this new Gallup poll…

Asked to name the "main person who speaks for the Republican Party today," Republicans across the country are most likely to name three men: Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, and Dick Cheney.

Jeeze. For a party so hung up on being pro-life, they sure do have a fixation with suicide.

Did you pick up on this whole thing Newt Gingrich said the other day at that GOP fundraiser in which he totally burnt the president for claiming to be a citizen of the world, like, a million years ago?

Gingrich: "I am not a citizen of the world. I think the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous."

Me neither. Because, really, who gives a shit what that guy says?

I'll tell you who gives a shit what that guy says. Media Matters for America gives a shit what that guy says…

In a July 2008 speech in Berlin, Germany, Obama described himself as "a citizen — a proud citizen of the United States, and a fellow citizen of the world." In a June 17, 1982, speech to the United Nations General Assembly, [Ronald] Reagan similarly said, "I speak today as both a citizen of the United States and of the world."

Aha! So, Newt Gingrich wasn't actually just grasping at straws and turning whatever Obama quote was readily available around in an effort to do what he does and be a partisan blowhard. No! He was accidentally admitting that he actually hates Ronald Reagan and conservative ideals and America and God.

Good catch, Media Matters!