Good for you, Texas! You did it!

A lot of people thought that you couldn't possibly legislate your way into a completely alternative reality than the rest of the world with just a little gumption and a fair share of prayer to Bronze Age Middle Eastern deities, but not me! I always had faith in you!

And you did not prove me wrong…

After three days of turbulent meetings, the Texas Board of Education on Friday voted to approve a social studies curriculum that will put a conservative stamp on history and economics textbooks, stressing the superiority of American capitalism, questioning the Founding Father’s commitment to a purely secular government and presenting Republican political philosophies in a more positive light…

The conservative members maintain that they are trying to correct what they see as a liberal bias among the teachers who proposed the curriculum. To that end, they made dozens of minor changes aimed at calling into question, among other things, concepts like the separation of church and state and the secular nature of the American Revolution…

They also included a plank to ensure that students learn about "the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schalfly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association."

Great ideas all around. I've always said that we need more information about the NRA in our schoolbooks. Don't you feel like you had a dangerously low amount of semi-automatic rifle learnin' back in grade school? (Yes, you do, obviously.)

Oh, and that's not all! The Texas BOE also voted to keep out references to deviants like transvestites, transsexuals and Thomas Jefferson. It's about time someone booted that old queen, am I right. (Yes, of course I am, obviously.)

The extended portion of the interview can be found below.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Well, if you're in the mood to get all retro and hipster faux-nostalgic, here's a bunch of interviews from that year — one for each month — back when the show wasn't even broadcast in high def. (Lo res interviews? That's like the Schlitz of talking stuff. Whatevs.)

January – Jimmy Carter

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

February – Brian Williams

March – Sandra Day O'Connor

April – Nancy Pelosi

May – Newt Gingrich

June – Mike Huckabee

July – Barney Frank

August – Austan Goolsbee

September – Rod Blagojevich

October – Janet Napolitano

November – Joe Biden

December – Mike Huckabee

The Daily Show's coverage of Obama's death panels continues after the jump followed by Stephen Colbert's take.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday beginning at 11pm / 10c.

It is noon, Jan. 20, 2013. Sarah Palin raises her right hand to be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States.

Did you have a physiological reaction to that string of words? Keep reading; it gets worse…

Palin had won a decisive victory over the incumbent, Barack Obama. The country was still trapped in economic rubble, and voters had tired of Obama's campaign slogan, "I Inherited This."…

After years as co-host of "The Jerry Springer Show," Sarah Palin had returned to the fray and run an unstoppable campaign… Palin convinced Newt Gingrich to join her on the ticket as vice president by promising he'd really be in charge of the administration — similar to the arrangement between Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

This is where I stopped reading the article. I know it's stupid, but I couldn't make myself go on. It's like those Saw movies that I never have and never will see. I just can't justify subjecting myself to torture porn.

And, the scariest thing about it is that it technically can happen.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

If only we could have fifteen presidents. The choosing is just too hard!

Asked to name the "main person who speaks for the Republican Party today," Republicans across the country are most likely to name three men: Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, and Dick Cheney.

Jeeze. For a party so hung up on being pro-life, they sure do have a fixation with suicide.

Gingrich: "I am not a citizen of the world. I think the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous."

Me neither. Because, really, who gives a shit what that guy says?

I'll tell you who gives a shit what that guy says. Media Matters for America gives a shit what that guy says…

In a July 2008 speech in Berlin, Germany, Obama described himself as "a citizen — a proud citizen of the United States, and a fellow citizen of the world." In a June 17, 1982, speech to the United Nations General Assembly, [Ronald] Reagan similarly said, "I speak today as both a citizen of the United States and of the world."

Aha! So, Newt Gingrich wasn't actually just grasping at straws and turning whatever Obama quote was readily available around in an effort to do what he does and be a partisan blowhard. No! He was accidentally admitting that he actually hates Ronald Reagan and conservative ideals and America and God.

Good catch, Media Matters!

Ohmigod. You've been following the Republican social dramz, right? No? Okay, quick recap: Last night the National Republican Senatorial Committee and the National Republican Congressional Committee held their joint prom in Washington, DC, and first Sarah Palin was supposed to attend and then she wasn't and then she was and then she wasn't and then she was like, fine, I don't want to go anyway, and the rest of the GOP was like, well, I hear she stuffs her bra.

In the end everything worked out just great! Sarah showed up with her date Dude, and they slow-danced a little too close for chaperone Newt Gingrich's taste but then everybody laughed it off over by the punch bowl. And this morning, all the kids at the school papers are saying stuff like how Sarah "stole the show" and was "a star" and "the center of attention," oh boy, let's find out what else she did, maybe she took off her shoes and danced on a table while shooting wolves or something…

Palin did not speak at the event, but during a break in the program for dinner, Republicans clustered around the former vice presidential nominee’s table near the front of the ballroom, eager to meet the governor and pose for pictures.

It was the only table in the vast ballroom that had a crowd gathered around it — and despite their distance from Palin’s table, multiple television cameras kept their lenses trained on the governor for much of the evening.

Hmm, so, basically she just sat there and let a bunch of drooly Republicans project their weird political fantasies on the blank canvas of her brain. What can you do? It's her #1 talent, along with abstinence education.

Also the Republicans raised $14.45 million at their prom, so they should have a really fun class trip to Disneyworld in 2010.

Even Ann Coulter says so, and I've never known her to say anything idiotic for ridiculous hyper-partisan reasons…

Never ones to shy away from a fight — even a losing one — the Holy Trinity of the GOP – Newt Gingrich, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh — have taken to calling the Supreme Court justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'racist,' with Gingrich even going so far as to ask her to withdraw.

In other news, a giraffe, an ostrich and an apatosaurus have all come out strongly against the uncommonly long length of her neck and the fact that her diet consists mainly of leaves, grasses and other plant matter.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was on The Daily Show last night and told Jon Stewart that he thinks current House Speaker Nancy Pelosi should step down from her leadership position. Also, the sun came up this morning and ice cream tastes yummy.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

What questions would you like to see Jon ask him?

While you're thinking, here's superfly interview with the Newtster from last year…

And another one from 2005 after the jump…

Whatever it is they're trying to do, I hope they do it!

They're truly doing God's work, I think.

The big, thick, throbbing question is, though: How much strategic homophobia is just the right amount of strategic homophobia?

Possible presidential candidates Charlie Crist (governor of Florida), Mike Huckabee (former governor of Arkansas), Jon Huntsman (governor of Utah), Bobby Jindal (governor of Louisiana), Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska), Tim Pawlenty (governor of Minnesota), Mitt Romney (former governor of Massachusetts), Mark Sanford (governor of South Carolina), and former Speaker Newt Gingrich are all against gay marriage.

The key difference: Crist and Huntsman favor civil unions for gay couples, while the other seven are against… The question is whether Crist's and Huntsman’s support for civil unions will ultimately cost them more votes than they will gain. A recent University of Iowa poll offers a mixed answer. According to the poll, 53% of Iowa Republicans wish to ban gay marriage and civil unions through a constitutional amendment. On the other hand, just 30% of Iowa independents — who have made up about 15%-25% of Republican caucus attendees in recent competitive contests — favor such an amendment.

To be honest, I really don't think this will still be such a big issue three years from now.

I'm sure the Lord will have rained upon DesMoines and upon Ames brimstone and fire from the Lord out of heaven long before the 2012 primaries.

The good people of the United States finally have a First Dog again!

That Bo's a handsome dog, huh? And from the Kennedy lineage? That's oddly fitting. Although, it's somewhat disconcerting to know that even our pets have to come from the proper political dynasty. (I'm sure that, in 2013, President Palin's family will be given a Great Dane that was second cousins to a Reagan or something.)

Of course, in a situation like this, there's only one person whose opinion really matters. And, obviously, I'm talking about Newt Gingrich. Obviously…

"I hope that the girls love the dog," Gingrich said on ABC's This Week. "I hope the family — and all the pressure they're going to be in — finds it useful. And I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid."

The Obama girls better keep that confarned dog off Ol' Man Gingrich's lawn if they know what's good for 'em.

Is making a wholly unbelievable, ridiculously transparent threat to sabotage your party one of the options?

Oh, good. Let's try that…

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is warning fellow Republicans that conservatives may leave the GOP for a third party in 2012.

"If the Republicans can't break out of being the right wing party of big government, then I think you would see a third party movement in 2012," Gingrich said Wednesday…

I'm sure this stern warning will be taken with the gravity it deserves.

Anyway, in the spirit of national health, I present to you this motivational quote from Newt Gingrich, from a Salon article entitled: "Gingrich: Obama needs to be more bipartisan"…

Well if it's that grave, and that immediate, why isn't he calling bipartisan leadership meetings in the White House to work out the details instead of making partisan speeches in front of a partisan audience attacking the people whose votes he's going to need?

Funny. My heart rate's up and my knuckles are bleeding, but I don't feel any healthier.

I feel more, um, what's it's called… murderous.

And oh, what an impression he made…

"I am shocked and appalled," Mike Duncan, the current party chairman, said in a statement released Saturday. Mr. Duncan is competing for a second term against Mr. Saltsman and four others.

"This is so inappropriate that it should disqualify any Republican National Committee candidate who would use it," Newt Gingrich, a Republican former House speaker, said in an e-mail message.

I never thought I'd say this, but Newt Gingrich is right.

It is terribly inappropriate for a political leader to circulate a song that's secretly about drugs.

I was saddened to learn that at a time of national trial, when a president-elect is preparing to take office in the midst of the worst financial crisis in over seventy years, that the Republican National Committee is engaged in the sort of negative, attack politics that the voters rejected in the 2006 and 2008 election cycles.

Reached for comment, Newt Gingrich said, "I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics."