Except, don't join that club! Because it turns out that the fact that the Olympics aren't going to be held in Chicago means that Barack Obama has lost his re-election bid in 2012 and also that the world has decided to impeach him from the world…

Give up, everybody else on the Internet. You will never beat Matt Drudge.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Four entire hours, geez, just think how much productive work Barack Obama could do in that time — why, he could read Chuck Grassley's entire Twitter feed from top to bottom, but nooooo…

Putting his political prestige on the line, President Obama has decided to fly to Denmark this week to appeal to the International Olympic Committee to choose Chicago, his adopted hometown, as host of the 2016 Games. [...]

"With all the pressing issues we're facing right now, I think hopping off to Copenhagen is problematic," said Mark McKinnon, a Republican media consultant who worked for President George W. Bush. "People elected Obama to be president — not the head of the Illinois Chamber of Commerce."

And that right there is the most damning bit of all: Chicago is only Obama's adopted hometown, not even his real hometown.

If Barack Obama is going to twiddle his thumbs for four entire hours while health care/Afghanistan burns, he could at least do it on behalf of his real hometown, in Kenya, where Lord knows they need an economic boost even more than Chicago.

No, really, it's not…

It is in fact an photograph of Barack Obama — the President of the United States — attacking Olympic medalist fencer Tim Morehead with a lightsaber on the front lawn of the White House.

That's either the coolest thing ever or the dorkiest thing ever; I haven't decided which.

Actually, it's probably both.

Submitted by Michael C., with 32% of the vote. Thanks, as always, to everyone who participated!

As it became clear that Russia's military attack on Georgia was only going to intensify, he knew he had to take action and protect our out-gunned ally. So he did literally everything in his power to help out the pro-Western democracy that is one of our few remaining friends in the world.

That's right: he pulled aside Vladimir Putin during brunch…

President George Bush and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin discussed the conflict in Georgia, the White House confirmed.

Both men were attending the opening of the Summer Olympics in the Chinese capital and spoke during a luncheon hosted by Chinese President Hu Jintao. White House spokesman Tony Fratto did not provide any additional details.

Unfortunately, by the time the two men were finished talking, someone else had already eaten all of President Hu's spectacular deviled eggs.

Bush's great efforts seem to have been well worth it, as Russia appears to have halted military actions. And it's all thanks to George Bush's selflessness and lunchtime diplomacy.

Leave your captions in the comments section of this post, and feel free to enter as many times as you like!

From a press release that some guy chick wrote or something…

"Rob Riggle: Chasing the Dragon" features Riggle reporting in and around Beijing including Tiananmen Square and the Great Wall of China and also interviewing some of China's leaders in media and business.

This marks the second time that field producer Glenn Clements has teamed up with Riggle to produce international nightly reports for the show. In August 2007, they travelled to Iraq for "Operation Silent Thunder."

This should be the most exciting piece of journalistic television since Geraldo Rivera found the Lindbergh baby inside Al Capone's vault.

Photo by Noah Weinzweig

Take a look at some "Operation Silent Thunder" after the jump.

Related: The Daily Show: John McCain Will Take the Roar of Harleys Any Day

Barack Obama never held a single Senate hearing on Afghanistan. He hadn't been to Iraq in years. He voted against funding our troops. And now, he made time to go to the gym, but cancelled a visit with wounded troops. Seems the Pentagon wouldn't allow him to bring cameras.

John McCain is always there for our troops. McCain. Country first.

McCain. Seem scared.

William Bradley, on the Huffington Post, has 13 things to say about that ad, including quite a few corrections of intentional untruths and ironic ironies. What I thought most interesting, though, was this…

The reason the McCain campaign is so worried is that the Olympics start in less than two weeks. At the height of summer, most experts think that whomever has a steady lead going in will have a steady lead coming out. The next big event after the Olympics? The Democratic National Convention. At which Obama will accept the presidential nomination in a speech at Denver's football stadium before 80,000 screaming supporters.

Is Bradley claiming that McCain gives a shit about the Olympics?

Oh, man, he is out of touch.