Four Portland legislators joined a Springfield senator to introduce Oregon House Bill 2461, which would impose a $49.61 tax on each barrel of beer produced by Oregon brewers…

The bill's language defends the tax by arguing alcoholism and “untreated substance abuse” costs the state $4.15 billion in lost earnings as well as more than $8 million for health care and nearly $1 billion in law enforcement-related expenditures.

I know everyone's gonna jump all over me for this one, but this just seems a tad bit reactionary to me.

Maybe it's just because I live in New York City where a 1900% pay hike would translate into a $114 pint of beer at your average Manhattan bar.

And that's slightly more than I generally feel like paying.

Jeff Merkley has unseated Republican Incumbent Gordon Smith. 82% of precincts have been counted in the Beaver State.

This victory puts the Democrats in control of 56 votes in the Senate, which means they'll still need four Republican votes to crossover to drum out Senate felon Ted Stevens (R-Attica), should he win.

Stevens still has a slight lead in the 220,000 ballots cast, which is about one voter from every buck in he received in housing renovations.

* Smith is trailing State Representative Jeff Merkley, 48% to 47% with just under half the precincts reporting.

* Coleman is tied with Saturday Night Live funnyman Al (O')Franken, 42% apiece with 69% of the precincts reporting.

If Smith and Coleman are returned to the Senate, they can reunite with fellow GOP incumbents Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins, both of whom survived strong challenges from Democrats.

And if they lose, they will have ample vacation opportunities.  Space undoubtedly awaits them at the consistently-vacant North Carolina home of new loser Liddy Dole or at the massive new wing in Ted Stevens' Anchorage home.

Now if they choose the latter location, they shouldn't stay too long.  When Stevens gets back from jail, he's going to be extra crotchety.

It's the Udall cousins, Mark and Tom! From Colorado and New Mexico, respectively, they are now forecast to be elected to two Senate seats left open by retiring Republican Senators. Isn't that cute? We hope they get an apartment together. Oh wait, they already have one.

It remains to be seen if the family magic will hold for their cousin, Sen. Gordon Smith of Oregon. Smith is on the wrong side of tonight's momentum, as an incumbent Republican, and he may well fall to Democratic challenger Jeff Merkley.

Also, we just feel obliged to mention this . . . all three cousins are Mormons. Is it OK to mention that? We mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. There are lots of major Mormon politicians, like Mitt Romney and Harry Reid!

Wait, actually that's kind of bizarre.

In the state where President Bush has his lowest popularity ratings in the nation, the incumbent Republican senator is reaching across the aisle and groping for the coattails of Barack Obama.

Sen. Gordon Smith, a two-term moderate in a state with a history of embracing centrist Republicans such as Mark Hatfield, has put the Democratic candidate for president in not one, not two, but three of his television ads.

Smith is also running ads featuring liberal Massachusetts Senators Ted Kennedy and John Kerry. One even suggests that Oregon's other Senator, Democrat Ron Wyden, is somehow endorsing Smith over challenger Jeff Merkley, prompting Wyden to demand the ad's removal.

And then there are the requisite smears…

The most notorious spot showed Merkley sloppily eating a hot dog while answering a question from the Republican operative who was filming him about the Russian invasion of Georgia. The words "Need a moment?" appear on-screen.

The spot, made by the National Republican Senatorial Committee, aired so relentlessly that Smith eventually condemned it. His own ads paint Merkley as hard on seniors and soft on rapists.

But since neither negativity nor liberal impersonations have helped Smith's sagging poll numbers, the only remaining option is to combine the two.

Accordingly, look for the Senator to spend this final week of the campaign attending church with Jeremiah Wright, windsurfing on Nantucket and exposing himself to a state trooper.

And then airing ads attacking himself for such pathetic behavior.

Barack Obama has been lynched. In effigy. By college students. In Oregon.

Yes, you heard that right. Oregon was supposed to be friendly territory for Obama, and certainly college students are supposed to be his biggest fans. And yet here they are, lynching him in effigy!

It seems that four students at George Fox University, a Christian college in Newberg, Oregon, have confessed to the lynching, which took place on a tree on campus. They are now being investigated by the FBI for a possible hate crimes indictment.

I thought that lynching was a thing of the past, but apparently in 2008 it's a part of presidential politics. And the reality is that this is solely Obama's burden to bear, because no similar threat exists for John McCain.

Well, I guess someone could pull the plug on him.

Roberts is the sixth big name Republican to dis John McCain on his special night, thus making this a full-blown trend -– one that threatens to become as popular as taking money from Jack Abramoff was in 2004!

Here's a rundown of who's ducked out so far…

Kansas Sen. Pat Roberts
Wound up campaigning in the wrong Minneapolis this past week.

Maine Sen. Susan Collins
Will be hosting a talk radio gossip show on the topic of John Edwards's alleged illegitimate daughter.

Oregon Sen. Gordon Smith
Given that he's now running desperate TV ads featuring Barack Obama and John Kerry, he may try to sneak into the Democratic convention instead.

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens
Hedging his bets that he'll already be in jail by then.

North Carolina Sen. Elizabeth Dole
Still bitter when it comes to the topic of presidential nominations.

Vice President Dick Cheney
Numerous daytime events and possible exposure to garlic in the catering spreads make the convention a mortal danger for him.

That's six prominent Republicans down and there's still two weeks 'til the convention. I just hope Joe Lieberman has a lot of material prepared.

Unfortunately, his loss in Tuesday's primary means that Oregon will likely have to wait another six years before it has a senator with nearly as good crocodile access.

So, remember that crowd of 75,000 people who gathered together in Portland, Oregon over the weekend to hear Barack Obama speak?

Well, now it looks like most of those people were probably there to see The Decemberists — that incredibly famous band that your poetry-writing nephew listens to — who opened for the little-known senator from Illinois.

And the rest were there to hail godless allegiance to the Soviet Union, which will rise again from the ashes of glasnost.

That explains so much about last night's primaries. Those people in Orgegon probably thought they were voting for Josef Stalin. Or whatever that lead singer guy's name is.

Namely, old white people, poor uneducated people, and women over 40. Hey, people of my flock, Change is Coming to America!

[It's] why grandparents have spent all their afternoons making phone calls to perfect strangers. It's what led men and women who can barely pay the bills to dig into their savings and write five dollar checks and ten dollar checks, and why young people from all over this country have left their friends and their families for a job that offers little pay and less sleep…

It's the spirit that sent the first patriots to Lexington and Concord and led the defenders of freedom to light the way north on an Underground Railroad. It's what sent my grandfather's generation to beachheads in Normandy, and women to Seneca Falls, and workers to picket lines and factory fences.

Well, that should do it. He mentioned them, kind of.

All those people who were formerly Clinton and McCain supporters are powerless before Obama's magnetic beam of vague charisma.