CNN must be stopped. Just when you think they can't get any dumber, they reach levels of dumbness that can't be described with human language. If this shit keeps up, I'm going to have to start painting murals or doing interpretive dances to convey how head-explodingly inept these clowns are.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

It's been almost five years since Jon Stewart's famous take-down of Tucker Carlson (and to a lesser extent Paul Begala) on CNN's Crossfire, and many might say Carlson hasn't changed a bit. Well, that's just not fair. As you can see at the 5:12 mark in this clip from last night's Daily Show, Carlson has transformed from a smug, disingenuous, incurious bow-tie-clad buffoon into a smug, disingenuous, incurious, neck-tie-clad buffoon.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Doomed To Re-Tweet It: Did you watch Obama's historic speech on national security? Want to read a detailed, nuanced analysis of said speech? Didn't think so. Instead, here's a link to Rich Lowry's twitter account. The National Review blogger and writer chops up his opinions on Obama's ideological about face into easy to consume, 140 character nuggets. At the very least, you won't get intellectual indigestion from reading it. [twitter.com/richlowry]

Hot GOP-on-GOP Action: Here's another theory about why the GOP is self-destructing very publicly, and in real time, courtesy of Rod Dreher. This new theory comes with a new buzzword — "jerrytayloring." Which refers to the game of "who's more conservative" that those in the right keep playing with one another. The moment any pundit or GOP operative questions one of the party's icons, they get bum-rushed and accused of not being conservative enough. [beliefnet.com]

OMG, Karl Rove Hearts Barack Obama: Or rather, Rove supports Obama's tentative embrace of Bush Administration national security policies. One man's flip-flop is another man's reasoned reconsideration of the facts. So now, officially, politics has gone down he rabbit hole: is the President just Bush Lite? A political hack full of empty campaign promises? The liberal backlash is brewing, you can hear progressive fanatics sharpening their long knives. [wsj.com]

Hybrid Car, Hybrid Senator: Dana Milbank was there as Republican Senator Orrin Hatch sat behind the wheel of a plug-in hybrid Hummer H3, and what ensued was hi-larious. The 75-year old didn't know how to drive the confounded, newfangled hippiemobile! Ha! But give the 75-year old conservative some credit: many of his colleagues believe global warming is a hoax, and wouldn't be seen trying out the future of the automotive industry. [washingtonpost.com]

I guess today's inaugural address really was something special. Even staunch Republicans are getting caught up in the Obamamania…

Asked how he liked [Obama's] speech, House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner offered a lackluster, "It was good."

Whoa. That's the most emotion Boehner's shown in years! Meanwhile, Sen. Orrin Hatch could hardly contain himself…

"It started off a little slow, but it ended up being very poetic and very good."

Crazy.

They're probably just trying to inflate expectations.

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

Spotted! An exciting Washington celebrity was recently caught on film by Congressional Confidential's roving team of ex-Senate Pages with camera phones!

Who: Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT).

Where: Boston's Logan International Airport.

Doing What: Reading a book (presumably his autographed copy of The Audacity of Hope).

Beyond the most obvious question — "Wait, Orrin Hatch is still alive?" — you're probably wondering about the Senator's unusual fashion accessory: The giant red splotch on the side of his head!

Now we could tell you the origin of the splotch, but to be perfectly honest, it's pretty boring. That's why we want you to decide what suddenly made the Senator's cranium redder than the 1984 electoral vote map.

Is he returning home from a Mikhail Gorbachev look-a-like contest (which he lost to Larry Craig)? Is he trying to introduce bindis to the Mormon faith? Did he step on a rake deftly planted by Senate prankster Russ Feingold (D-WI)? Or is it none of the above? Submit your own explanation!

With Bruce Springsteen coming out in support of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton maintaining her stable of middle-aged divas, it seemed like John McCain was going to have to make like his Republican forbearers and piss off John Mellencamp in order to rustle up a campaign song. That is, until Senator Orrin Hatch came to town.

The Salt Lake Tribune reports that the distinguished senator — who, amazingly, is a platinum and gold-certified songwriter for this Lindsay-fied Christian pop ballad he co-wrote for Jaci Velasquez — has written what he hopes will be McCain's official campaign song.

A few lyrical excerpts:

Together forever
America is the country we all love
We believe our destiny
Comes from god above
Let's link our hands for all to see
Our country's majesty

Alright. Vintage Hatch so far…

Hey John
Say John
They're gonna hit you hard with ev'ry thing they've got

Hey John
Come on
They'll be calling you
Everything you're not!

Strange as this may sound, I can confirm it. In fact, I was reporting from DNC headquarters when Howard Dean's staff began compiling the 88 quadrillion-item list of everything John McCain is not. Look for Barack Obama's first general election ad to slander McCain as "an existentialist," "[The Bob Newhart Show's] Marcia Wallace" and "a hippogriff."

As Indecision's recently self-appointed temporary music critic, I should probably come up with a few ways to describe the song as everything it's not. "Not trite" comes to mind. Also, "not weird." But, hey, who am I to knock it around when the review so far has been 100% positive:

Hatch says the song should get good reviews.
"It has been very enjoyable to write this song, and I think most people will like it."

This makes perfect sense coming from Hatch. As a sitting senator, most of the people he knows suck.