In a tape released Sunday by al-Qaida's media wing [Ed note: al-Qaida's media wing??], terrorist leader Osama bin Laden said President Barack Obama is "powerless" to stop the war in Afghanistan.

Bin Laden's address to the American people comes two days after the eighth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. He typically addresses the United States in a message around the Sept. 11 anniversary.

It's kind of like our anniversary. And here we were thinking he'd forgot.

When Obama became president and retained many of the Bush administration's military leaders, such as Defense Secretary Robert Gates, "reasonable people knew that Obama is a powerless man who will not be able to end the war as he promised," bin Laden said.

"If you end the war, so to it," bin Laden said. "But if it is otherwise, all we will do is continue the war of attrition against you on all possible axes."

Ugh! This guy. I'm sorry; I don't mean to be impolite, but I just have to say it: I really do not care for this Osama bin Laden fellow. Not at all.

I mean, first there's the whole thing with him killing several thousand innocent Americans, which right there makes him pretty much a total jerk. And there's the protracted war in the Middle East, which, I know, was really more the doing of the Bush administration than al-Qaida, but still, bin Laden's being a real d-bag about it.

And now there's this thing with the needling and the yelling names at us from some hiding place in a Pakistani cave or wherever. Not for nothing, but that is just classic douchebag behavior.

Yeah, I don't like him at all. He's pretty much even worse than Taylor Max.

* Sam Harris: Not for nothing, but why do we have a top government scientist who believes in magic?

* DADT to get asked, told in Senate this fall.

* Michael Steele, Eric Cantor BFFs with Orly Taitz, the leader of the birther rebellion on Facebook. (So, BFBFFs?)

* The Onion: Ordinary Americans respond to the death of Osama bin Laden's son.

* Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) retiring due to lack of people giving a shit.

* Nancy Pelosi doesn't care if she's unpopular. Good thing.

If you have a computer, a television, a radio, a cell phone, or a pair of tin cans connected by string, you've probably heard that Barack Obama gave a speech at Cairo University this afternoon, part of an attempt to repair tattered relations between the Muslim world and the U.S./appease terrorists, depending on how you see things.

And yet! Reaction from the conservative blogosphere has been strangely — what is the word? Rhymes with 'national.'

Hot Air…

On the whole, though, Obama defended American positions on Israel and Afghanistan with more strength than he does here at home. [...] I don’t hear anything in this speech that Bush didn’t say himself.

Red State…

The first 15 minutes of President Obama’s speech to the Muslim world was what I wanted to hear from candidate Obama a year ago. Had he given that portion of his speech during the presidential campaign much of the irrational fear of Obama as some sort of Muslim Manchurian candidate would have been relieved. [...] This was one of President Obama’s more important speeches and he rose to the occasion and delivered a fine speech.

Little Green Footballs…

Overall, this was a pretty good speech… It’s doubtful that this one speech is going to lead to a “new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world,” but it’s certainly going to give the Muslim world a lot to talk about.

Fine. So this is just up to me and Michelle Malkin now, is that it? Shocking truth after the jump.

Read the text of Obama's speech real close-like…

I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Bin Laden claimed U.S. pressure led to a campaign of "killing, fighting, bombing and destruction" that prompted the exodus of a million Muslims from Swat Valley in northwest Pakistan.

The message was broadcast for the first time on pan-Arab Al-Jazeera Television around the same time Obama touched down in Saudi Arabia at the start of a Mideast visit. He is trying repair relations with the Muslim world frayed under the previous Bush administration.

"Elderly people, children and women fled their homes and lived in tents as refugees after they have lived in dignity in their homes," bin Laden said. "Let the American people be ready to reap what the White House leaders have sown," he added.

You know what? That offends me. I'm sorry, but I think that kind of hyper-partisan fundamentalist jihadist talk just crosses the line. I know you guys think I'm too sensitive, but I'm of the opinion that direct threats of mass murder could lead to violence.

Somebody should take that guy off the air.

Fascinating piece coming in tomorrow's TIME magazine. Reporter Bobby Ghosh writes, "The most successful interrogation of an al-Qaeda operative by U.S. officials required no sleep deprivation, no slapping or 'walling' and no waterboarding.

"All it took to soften up Abu Jandal, who had been closer to Osama bin Laden than any other terrorist ever captured, was a handful of sugar-free cookies."

I cannot believe that in this day and age, we're actually still debating whether or not sugar-free snacks should be considered torture.

Have you ever tried Diet Dr. Pepper? Have you attempted to swallow it? I have. There is nothing about the experience that is any way similar to the senatation of eating food.

I still have nightmares from time to time.

Update: I've just managed to obtain photographic evidence of this new technique being used on one of those so-called terrorist monsters.

Then, last night, he swung by Sean Hannity's sound stage*…

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And then, this morning, he was on Fox and Friends…

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So, he's obviously making the media circuit in descending order of intelligence. I wonder what's next on his schedule? Too bad The Tony Danza Show isn't still on the air.

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* Watching that clip made my brain hurt. I can't even imagine what it must be like to get your world view from Sean Hannity. With the sense of reality you'd be left with, how would you even manage to perform basic everyday tasks?

Granted, for most of the tape he goes on and on — like he does (you know what I'm talkin' about) — about Israel and Gaza and jihads and blah blah blah. But…

The al-Qaida leader also vowed that the terror network would open "new fronts" against the United States and its allies beyond Iraq and Afghanistan. He said President-elect Barack Obama has received a "heavy inheritance" from George W. Bush  — two wars and "the collapse of the economy," which he said will render the United States unable to sustain a long fight against the mujahedeen, or holy warriors.

"There is only one strong way to bring the return of Al-Aqsa and Palestine, and that is jihad in the path of God," bin Laden said in the 22-minute audiotape, referring to the revered Al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem. "The duty is to urge people to jihad and to enlist the youth into jihad brigades."

Hey, Barack Obama has promised to take advice from everybody and anybody, regardless of party lines. And I think he means it.

I mean, he did meet for dinner with George Will and Bill Kristol last night. I'd have to imagine that their advice will be about as useful as bin Laden's "kill the infidels" suggestion.

But it does show that he is listening.

Of course, Weather — being the complete asshole that it is — had to go and fuck it all up for me and cause the first rained out, freezing cold final World Series game in history. So, I came back to New York by myself, and the Phillies won last night. Without me. And the entire city went crazy. Without me.

Now, you might just think this was a stroke of bad luck, But I know otherwise. I know for a fact that this was an act of retribution upon me by Weather. You see, Monday night happened to be the eve of the release of my brand new non-fiction humor book Man vs. Weather: Be Your Own Weatherman, in which I reveal Weather's insidious agenda to destroy, undermine and inconvenience all of mankind. (Yes, it's a humor book and a science book. What of it?)

A coincidence? I think not.

So, why do I bring this up on a political blog? (Well, why besides me being a shameless opportunist?) I'll tell you why: If you think that Weather is only interested in ruining baseball games for incredibly important authors like me, you are sadly mistaken.

Weather hates America!

It hates America more than arch-terrorists like Osama bin Laden, William Ayers and Barack Obama combined. Oh, it hates us so much! Why? I'll tell you why…

Because it hates all of humanity, and Americans are the ultimate form of humanity. Some time around 2.5 billion years ago, when our eldest ancestors were still single-celled cyanobacteria, Weather looked at them and saw that they would eventually evolve into Americans. And it did everything within its power — from scorching droughts to planetary glaciers — to destroy them, but none of it worked. Because they had the seeds of that American "can do" spirit. And that made Weather hate them all the more.

You need proof that Weather hates America? Look no further than its strategic use of hurricanes. Consider Hurricane Katrina: Sure, it caused the deaths of 1,700 people, billions of dollars in damages and the decimation of New Orleans. That's all very bad. But who was the real victim of Katrina? President Bush. His approval rating dropped to 40 percent, and he was forced to go down to Louisiana and even talk to some black people. And that led the way for the Democrats taking control of Congress the following year and making it slightly more difficult for Bush gut the Constitution and our Fourth Amendment rights.

If that's not proof of Weather's anti-American sentiments, I don't know what is.

And how about Hurricane Gustav earlier this year? You didn't see that swirling mass of low-pressure storm systems making landfall in late August and delaying the Democratic National Convention and Flag-Burning Rally, did you? Oh no. Weather waited a full week and forced John McCain to delay the Republican National Convention by a full day and guilted the conservative delegates and rodeo impresarios into paying lip service to poor people on national television.

Where do the horrors end?

Now, listen: We have an extremely important election — maybe the most important election since the Earth was formed 4.5 billion years ago — coming up in less than a week. And there's a better chance of Osama bin Laden failing to release a video statement in the eleventh hour than there is of Weather sitting this one out. Come Election Day — whether you're an American voter or an anti-American voter — Weather is gonna be throwing a lot of tricks your way, trying to trip you up, keep you from voting, and die.

Did you know that for every inch of regular run-of-the-mill water that rains down, voter participation typically drops by just under one percent? Or that for every inch of regular run-of-the-mill frogs that rain down, voter typically participation drops by 100 percent? (Except, interestingly enough, amongst Evangelical Christians, for whom it typically rises by 250 percent.) And that's just water and amphibians. That's not even taking into account hurricanes, cyclones, typhoons and tropical cyclones. Or any of the other deadly means that Weather has to keep you at home and away from democracy.

So, are we to assume that all is lost? That this great nation will fold under the low-pressure of Weather?

Not at all! Because, between now and Election Day, I'm going to use my meteorological expertise to secure you against Weather's douchebaggery. And keep you safe. And keep you American. (When it comes to dirty bombs and roving gangs of young activists, you're on your own. Sorry.)

Here's your first excruciatingly important tip: Buy an umbrella.

Like, um, that guy… Alan Greenspan! Oh, wait, that's probably not a good one anymore, is it? Well, how about my grandfather? No?

Okay, smart guy/girl! How about this one? Al-fucking-Qaeda…

Al-Qaeda supporters suggested in a Web site message this week they would welcome a pre-election terror attack on the U.S. as a way to usher in a McCain presidency.

The message, posted Monday on the password-protected al-Hesbah Web site, said if al-Qaeda wants to exhaust the United States militarily and economically, "impetuous" Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain is the better choice because he is more likely to continue the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"This requires presence of an impetuous American leader such as McCain, who pledged to continue the war till the last American soldier," the message said. "Then, al-Qaeda will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues the failing march of his predecessor, Bush."

Wow! Talk about an amazing endorsement! He really needs to stick that last quote in an advertisement: "Al-Qaeda will have to support McCain in coming elections."

"If al-Qaeda carries out a big operation against American interests," the message said, "this act will be support of McCain because it will push the Americans deliberately to vote for McCain so that he takes revenge for them against al-Qaeda. Al-Qaeda then will succeed in exhausting America till its last year in it."

Aw… That's so sweet of them. They must really like the guy. Kinda makes Colin Powell's endorsement look like a dog turd in comparison, doesn't it? I mean, you don't see Powell engaging in covert operations to sink a U.S. Navy battleship or suicide bombing an embassy for Obama, do you? Really shows you whose really got the more fired-up supporters, huh?

You know, I think it just occurred to me why al Qaeda likes John McCain so much. I think it's because he's a maverick. And, really, is there any bigger maverick than al Qaeda's leader Osama bin Laden?

Like, didn't he turn his back on all the wealth and nose candy and whoring of his family legacy to move into a cave and start shooting infidels with an AK-47? Or attempt to topple the Western capitalist structure by convincing impressionable supporters to kill thousands of innocent people by flying airplanes into a couple buildings?

That's some pretty mavericky behavior, if you ask me. Okay, not on the same level as pretending to have sold a government jet on eBay or voting against George Bush 10% of the time, but pretty mavericky none the less.

This is beginning to make a lot more sense. I guess John McCain and Osama bin Laden are just a couple'a maverick peas in a pod, trying their best to keep America firmly planted in the 19th Century.

Obviously.

Incredibly coincidentally, I just posted the following footage…

I'm really holding out for Russ Meyer's attack ad.