We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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"We went up against tremendous odds," Marc Mutty, public affairs director for the Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland who has been on loan to the campaign, said from Portland.
"We all know we were the little guy going up against the big guy, but we prevailed. We prevailed because the people of Maine — the silent majority — the folks back home spoke with their votes."
Those plucky underdogs on loan from the Catholic Church really pulled it off, didn't they? Yay, Catholics! I can't believe they somehow managed to do it with only the worldwide multi-billion dollar religious organization behind them. It's always nice when the little guy wins, isn't it? Real Revenge of the Nerds situation going on there.
And this time, Big Gay didn't know what hit it! Haha! Those stuffed shirt homosexuals wanting to protect their families and keep their basic human rights really took one on the chin for the first time ever.
Golly! I'm in a pickle. I like to think of myself as a thoroughly tolerant Christian man of the new millennium, but I also enjoy stripping away the rights of my fellow citizens because they're different than me.
Isn't there any way that I can be a small-minded bigot and sleep soundly in a cocoon of self-deluded rationalization?
Oh, so what you're saying is I can do or think whatever horrible thing I like, just so long as I pretend like I'm doing it in the service of some vague, imaginary ideal? It's what Jesus died on the cross at Normandy for.
Yay, whatever this thing is that I've decided is not bigotry!
If outlawing divorce was good enough for the Babylonians, then it's good enough for California…
This video comes from some smartypants called RescueMarriage.org who think their pants are so smart that they introduced the 2010 California Marriage Protection Act — which not-completely-genuinely aims to protect marriage from the evils of divorce — in response to last year's Proposition 8 — which genuinely genuinely genuinely aimed to protect marriage from the evils of marriage.
On November 14, 2009, thousands of Californians will be united in a common cause as we march on the state capitol building to demand a return to traditional values as part of our petition kick-off event.
Participate in democracy the American way, by shouting angrily, using inflammatory rhetoric and memorizing jingoistic slogans to chant or misspell on signs.
I'm curious to see what their protest march looks like. No way that those people will be funnier than these people.
Hey, everyone. I'm just getting re-settled after a week's vacation. (Have they announced winner of the Nobel Peace Prize? Sorry, I know that's totally boring stuff that nobody ever cares about, but I was just wondering.)
So, do you know what I was thinking about a lot during my time away from the blog? Yep, you guessed it: Jesus. And also America. And how lucky we all are that a Bedouin carpenter who was born two millenia ago founded this great nation for us all and presented us with His Holy Constitution of the Lamb's Blood (or whatever it's called).
And that got me wondering if there were maybe any hyper-didactic artworks showcasing that great moment of creation that I could hang above the alter I keep above my desk. And wouldn't you know it, but this dropped just last week…
Jon McNaughton — the creator of this masterpiece, which, as of press time, has not yet replaced the Mona Lisa in Louvre — obviously went to great trouble to cram every single square-inch of this painting with symbolism that's even more deep than the poetry my sister used to write in junior high.
For example, you see that guy on the bottom-left, holding the cell phone? That's a "Politician," and he "has his patriotic tie and American flag lapel pin, but he's more concerned about his own political ambitions than what is in the best interest of the country." Because obviously, that politician guy should really spend less time talking on his cell phone and more time groveling in self-pity like the Supreme Court Justice right near him. (I mean, what do we even elect these clowns for? Am I right?)
And, by the way, I know what you're thinking: This invented-out-of-whole-cloth image of America is all well and good for all the decent Christians out there who are looking forward to the impending American theocracy. But what about the dozen or so people who think that maybe there's something to this whole "seperation of church and state" thing?
Sorry, America, but it has been decided by the U.S. film industry that you're just too stupid, ignorant and closed-minded to get to watch a new movie about actual real testable science…
The film was chosen to open the Toronto Film Festival and has its British premiere on Sunday. It has been sold in almost every territory around the world, from Australia to Scandinavia.
However, US distributors have resolutely passed on a film which will prove hugely divisive in a country where, according to a Gallup poll conducted in February, only 39 per cent of Americans believe in the theory of evolution.
How long has it been since your computer monitor had a good punching? Why do you ask? Oh, no reason. Just wondering.
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* One in twelve New Jerseyans 
Sorry, America, but it has been decided by the U.S. film industry that you're just too stupid, ignorant and closed-minded to get to watch 
