Anyone who knows anything about politics knows the true measure of a legislator isn't his or her voting record, it's how well he or she can gleam the cube (ask your parents). So last night, after grilling California Congresswoman Jackie Speier about her district's plans to cure gayness, Stephen Colbert took to the halls of Congress armed with his board and a hunger for shredding.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

We knew this was going to happen. We were warned. Gay rights opponents have all along told us that treating gays like normal people was a slippery slope, and they were right. No sooner have we started to tolerate people living the gay lifestyle, now they want to die the gay lifestyle. It's like they say, you give the gays an inch, they ask for basic human dignity!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

OMG! Have you heard this shocking bit of news-like wording about something that Sarah Palin is probably not doing according to Reuters and a bunch of other news sources?

The Anchorage Daily News in Alaska is reporting, and The Providence Journal is repeating, a tantalizing rumor that Sarah Palin is going to move to Rhode Island. No one has confirmed that (including us, and we tried). Even the Anchorage paper which started the speculation says it's probably not true.

But frankly, Sarah Palin — the former Republican vice presidential candidate and Alaska governor — is a queen of surprises so one never knows…

Got that? Sarah Palin is probably not moving to Rhode Island, but maybe she is because she's unpredictable and can possibly do a lot of stuff. Run with it! Put it on Page One. Use a huge banner headline: SARAH PALIN TO MAYBE DO STUFF! It'll sell a quazillion papers and singlehandedly rescue journalism from the cusp of oblivion!

But, hey, don't stop there! Let's report on some other stuff that crazy, unpredictable Sarah Palin could possibly do in the realm of things that are not completely out of the question.

Hold on! Stop the presses! It has just come to my attention that Sarah Palin might one day decide to apply for a job at NASA and become the first former governor in space. Holy wow! What a crazy thing for Sarah Palin to maybe do! I hope that doesn't get in the way of her genetics research that, for all we know, she's been doing in her possible long-term quest to engineer a real life Sasquatch.

Can you believe all this important news I'm breaking here? Somebody get me a Pulitzer Prize!

Fox News has called Wisconsin, New Mexico, Minnesota, New York, Rhode Island and Michigan for Obama, and North Dakota and Wyoming for McCain.

They called Ohio for Obama and took it back. Get it together, guys, Rove's in the room.

What is growing on David Axelrod's upper lip?

Sure, U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH) can be pretty obnoxious, but is that really grounds to hit her with a car and speed off, leaving her with broken ribs and vertebrae?

Sounds like a case of a cut-and-run driver…

U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt of Ohio suffered broken ribs and vertebrae when she was struck by a car while jogging last week, but the damage wasn't discovered until after she fainted from pain on an overseas trip, her spokesman said Monday.

The Republican congresswoman was heading to a weekend fact-finding visit to Afghanistan when severe pain caused her to pass out while the plane was landing at a U.S. Air Force Base in Germany…

The avid marathoner was struck by a car last week. Police still haven't found the driver.

Although almost anyone could be a suspect in this case, one thing we know is that it wasn't a Marine. Just ask U.S. Rep Jean Schmidt (R-OH), who, in recalling her conversation with a Marine colonel, stated…

"He asked me to send Congress a message — stay the course. He also asked me to send Congressman [Jack] Murtha a message — that cowards cut and run, Marines never do," Schmidt said. Murtha is a 37-year Marine veteran and ranking Democrat on the defense appropriations subcommittee.

Democrats booed and shouted her down — causing the House to come to a standstill.

So clearly Marines are off the suspect list, but Jack Murtha is still on it. Also to be considered are fellow cut-and-run cowards Barack Obama, Joe Biden and John Kerry, as well as George W. Bush and Nouri al-Maliki.

One person who definitely did not hit Schmidt with his car: U.S. Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI). His license has been suspended since 2006.

Former Republican Senator Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island has landed himself back on the national scene by labeling Gov. Sarah Palin a "cocky wacko" in a speech at the New America Foundation.

Chafee hasn't gotten this much press since his public decision to not vote for George W. Bush in 2004 (he wrote in George H.W. Bush instead). His derision of McCain’s choice of running mates was strong…

"They've just thrown this firestorm, this tornado, into the whole presidential election," Chafee said in response to an audience member's question about whether the Obama campaign should worry about Palin's presence in the race.

He said her speech at the Republican National Convention had the unintended effect of energizing Democrats and Obama supporters.

"People were coming into my office, phone calls were flooding in, e-mails were coming in, 'I just sent money to Obama, I couldn't sleep last night' from the left. To see this cocky wacko up there," Chafee said to laughter.

Chafee, who left the Republican Party after losing his Senate seat in 2006, endorsed Barack Obama in February and is one of the co-founders of Republicans for Obama.

However, Chafee should be hoping that McCain wins and Palin heads to the vice presidency. After all, Chafee is currently being talked up for Governor of Rhode Island. If Palin loses and remains Governor of Alaska, that's going to be one awkward National Governor's Association convention!