This article — by former McSweeney's editor John Warner — is kind of old, but it covers an all-too-often forgotten piece of history, and I think it still resonates.

Plus, I devoured this huge macadamia nut cookie in about 3.2 seconds with my coffee this morning, and it reminded me…

Nixon and Cookie Monster, drawing on recently declassified archives, argues that despite obvious differences in political outlook and ethnicity, these two iconic figures shaped the America we live in today.

Cookie Monster, we learn, began his career known simply as Monster. It was Nixon who advised him that adding Cookie to his name would endear him to the U.S. public. Cookie Monster reciprocated by hatching the "Southern strategy."

Oh, and this excerpt from the tapes always gives me chills…

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Here's an excerpt from a speech that Richard Nixon did not have to give forty years ago today…

Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.

That speech was written by William Safire, based upon the recommendation of astronaut Frank Borman, who knew all too well how dangerous the Apollo mission actually was.

Seems a shame that a perfectly good speech like that went to waste just because two human beings didn't end up asphyxiated and dessicated on the surface of a cold and barren alien landscape. Maybe they could have recycled the speech for some other huge American disaster.

Though — on second thought — I suppose it would have been kind of weird for Nixon to keep going on about the moon during his re-inauguration speech.*

(via Politics Daily)

See also: Jim Stallard's Live from the Apollo 11 on McSweeney's.

^{* Speaking of disasters… Believe it or not, that was the best punchline I could come up with. And, what's sad is that I really tried hard.}

Ugh, Richard Nixon, really? Really? Did you really have to go so far out of your way to be so much like everybody's image of you?

The New York Times' Charlie Savage reports on one recorded conversation the day that the Supreme Court's ruling in Roe v. Wade was handed down. Nixon didn't make a public statement, but privately, he worried that the greater legality of abortion would lead to "permissiveness," saying that abortion "breaks the family."

However, Nixon said, "There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white… Or a rape."

Obviously, an abortion would be necessary if it was a half-white/half-black freak of nature. I mean, I don't think anybody would argue with that? But a rape baby? Do we know what university the rapist attended? Do we know how he votes? These things matter.

On another tape, in a conversation with the Rev. Billy Graham, Nixon discussed complaints by some U.S. Jews about certain efforts to promote evangelical Christianity. "What I really think is deep down in this country, there is a lot of anti-Semitism, and all this is going to do is stir it up,” Nixon said, according to Savage. Later in the conversation, he said, “It may be they have a death wish. You know that’s been the problem with our Jewish friends for centuries."

Oh, those Jews and their death wishes. Always with the jumping into ovens and the smashing their heads into the butts of Russian soldiers' rifles. Oy vey!

Of all the fabricated benchmarks created to judge President Obama, the first 100 days is one of the most excitingly noteworthy and easily digestible.

Sure, President Obama has downplayed the importance of the event. Senior Advisor David Axelrod even called it a "Hallmark holiday," thereby belittling other Hallmark holidays like Grandparents Day and Administrative Professionals Day.

But ever since gaining those dead pirate points, Obama can only win support from the media coverage, and so Obama will "pay homage to his 100 days with a Wednesday trip to… Missouri," the state where every exciting thing ever happens.

In honor of the landmark, we decided to celebrate Obama's milestone by over-oversimplifying it further and boiling it down to a nice simple chart comparing President Obama's first 100 days to the accomplishments of history's most famous presidents in such a way that even an idiot could understand…

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Now that the universities are closing down and their students are being set loose upon the nation's beach town, please don't forget that our nation's capitol, Washington D.C. — scenically located along the eastern banks of the Potomac River — which kind of makes it a beach town. A kind of swampy-ish beach town, but a beach town none the less. So, in a way, it's the perfect Spring Break destination. Cabo San Lucas ain't got nothing on D.C. as far as crazy party antics go. For example…

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Bill Clinton gets some from Monica Lewinsky

Don't even front like you've never been there. You know how it goes. If it's late enough at night and no one else is around, you sometimes find yourself going a little further with friends and co-workers than you thought you would. It happens, dude. It happens! You just gotta move on with your life and hope that the other person doesn't go blabbing to her friends.

And that none of her friends will go secretly recording the details of what happened between you and her and then hand the tapes off to some guy who's been trying to get you fired for years. Cause that could totally ruin your week. Not to mention get you impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.

And nothing busts up a Spring Break drinking binge like a federal impeachment.

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I don't know about you but I have March 17th and 18th fully planned out. On March 17th I'm doing my St. Patrick's Day ritual of getting into fights and puking up green beer. And on the 18th, I plan to spend the whole day in a deep depression regretting everything I've done the day before.

Overindulging in alcohol can lead to all sorts of trouble. And yet, there are some who have battled their demons with the bottle while rising to some of the highest levels of public service. So, I might actually still get a chance to be somebody before my liver falls out. After all, look at all that's been accomplished by these guys.

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President Ulysses S. Grant

Some say that reports of President Grant's public drunkenness were vicious rumors started by his political enemies, but then again those people were probably never tasked with writing a piece about drunk U.S. Politicians. So shut up and let me do my job. And besides, no one can deny that there are some people who don't say that stories of Grant's public drunkeness were vicious rumors started by political enemies.

Indeed, some claim Grant left the army in 1854 rather then face court martial after his commanding officer, Robert C. Buchanan, found him drunk on duty as a pay officer. Another story claims that the term "lobbying" actually originated from the practice of political wheelers and dealers who frequented The Williard Hotel's lobby where Grant would often enjoy cigars and brandy.

And perhaps, the most damning evidence of Grant's drunkeness… his beard.

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