Plus, I devoured this huge macadamia nut cookie in about 3.2 seconds with my coffee this morning, and it reminded me…

Nixon and Cookie Monster, drawing on recently declassified archives, argues that despite obvious differences in political outlook and ethnicity, these two iconic figures shaped the America we live in today.

Cookie Monster, we learn, began his career known simply as Monster. It was Nixon who advised him that adding Cookie to his name would endear him to the U.S. public. Cookie Monster reciprocated by hatching the "Southern strategy."

Oh, and this excerpt from the tapes always gives me chills…

Richard M. Nixon: Who the hell do you think is involved in that last leak?

H.R. Haldeman: Uh —

Cookie Monster: Me know who.

Nixon: Whoever it was, we should set the bureau on that son-of-a-bitch.

Cookie: Me forgot who it is.

John Ehrlichman: Put some —

Haldeman: Yep.

Ehrlichman: Put some heat on him. Because —

Cookie: Wait! Wait! Me remember hear Kermit the Frog say something about it.

Reading about this stuff always makes me nostalgic for my days just out of college as a real journalist. Back then, it used to be my dream to work my way up the ladder and make a real difference, like Woodward and Ernie.

Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.

That speech was written by William Safire, based upon the recommendation of astronaut Frank Borman, who knew all too well how dangerous the Apollo mission actually was.

Seems a shame that a perfectly good speech like that went to waste just because two human beings didn't end up asphyxiated and dessicated on the surface of a cold and barren alien landscape. Maybe they could have recycled the speech for some other huge American disaster.

Though — on second thought — I suppose it would have been kind of weird for Nixon to keep going on about the moon during his re-inauguration speech.*

(via Politics Daily)

See also: Jim Stallard's Live from the Apollo 11 on McSweeney's.

^{* Speaking of disasters… Believe it or not, that was the best punchline I could come up with. And, what's sad is that I really tried hard.}

The New York Times' Charlie Savage reports on one recorded conversation the day that the Supreme Court's ruling in Roe v. Wade was handed down. Nixon didn't make a public statement, but privately, he worried that the greater legality of abortion would lead to "permissiveness," saying that abortion "breaks the family."

However, Nixon said, "There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white… Or a rape."

Obviously, an abortion would be necessary if it was a half-white/half-black freak of nature. I mean, I don't think anybody would argue with that? But a rape baby? Do we know what university the rapist attended? Do we know how he votes? These things matter.

On another tape, in a conversation with the Rev. Billy Graham, Nixon discussed complaints by some U.S. Jews about certain efforts to promote evangelical Christianity. "What I really think is deep down in this country, there is a lot of anti-Semitism, and all this is going to do is stir it up,” Nixon said, according to Savage. Later in the conversation, he said, “It may be they have a death wish. You know that’s been the problem with our Jewish friends for centuries."

Oh, those Jews and their death wishes. Always with the jumping into ovens and the smashing their heads into the butts of Russian soldiers' rifles. Oy vey!

Sure, President Obama has downplayed the importance of the event. Senior Advisor David Axelrod even called it a "Hallmark holiday," thereby belittling other Hallmark holidays like Grandparents Day and Administrative Professionals Day.

But ever since gaining those dead pirate points, Obama can only win support from the media coverage, and so Obama will "pay homage to his 100 days with a Wednesday trip to… Missouri," the state where every exciting thing ever happens.

In honor of the landmark, we decided to celebrate Obama's milestone by over-oversimplifying it further and boiling it down to a nice simple chart comparing President Obama's first 100 days to the accomplishments of history's most famous presidents in such a way that even an idiot could understand…

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Bill Clinton gets some from Monica Lewinsky

Don't even front like you've never been there. You know how it goes. If it's late enough at night and no one else is around, you sometimes find yourself going a little further with friends and co-workers than you thought you would. It happens, dude. It happens! You just gotta move on with your life and hope that the other person doesn't go blabbing to her friends.

And that none of her friends will go secretly recording the details of what happened between you and her and then hand the tapes off to some guy who's been trying to get you fired for years. Cause that could totally ruin your week. Not to mention get you impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.

And nothing busts up a Spring Break drinking binge like a federal impeachment.

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D.C. Mayor Marion Barry totally gets busted smoking up

We've all got that friend, don't we? You know, the guy who's willing to pull out his gear anywhere, confident in the belief that he can pull out his crack cocaine and blaze up in front of anybody without getting caught. Whether it's on the beach, in a boardwalk pizza shop or in a hotel room in front of FBI informants and hidden cameras.

Don't they just drive you nuts?

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Rep. Preston Brooks pulls the ol' metal cane to the head prank on Sen. Charles Sumner

Isn't it great you when you see a killjoy totally get what's coming to him? Like when Massachusetts senator Charles Sumner got totally punked by South Carolina representative Preston Brooks.

It seems that that dork Sumner was talking smack on President Franklin Pierce, Sen. Andrew Butler and all the other southern politicians who were all about owning other human beings. So, Brooks took a step back and concocted a brilliant and hilarious plan to teach that stuffed shirt a lesson.

While Sumner was working at his desk in the senate chamber, Brooks snuck up behind him and proceeded to beat him senseless with his metal-tipped walking cane. In your face, Sumner!

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Richard Nixon names Elvis Presley a federal drug agent

Spring Break is notorious for inspiring some incredibly not very good ideas. But naming the nation's biggest drug freak as a federal agent at large in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs is definitely not one of them.

Maybe it's the seven shots of tequila and handful of oxycontin talking, but Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley's insane drug-alcohol-and-pomposity-fueled pact from Rockabilly Hell is maybe the best idea ever!

Believe me. It makes sense in Spring Break logic.

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The Brits stay up all night trashing the city while the President's away

One thing's for sure. It's definitely not Spring Break until the place you're partying in gets smashed, burnt or otherwise utterly destroyed. And that's exactly what happened when a bunch of British soldiers, visiting our nation's capitol, stayed up late one night in 1814 while President James Madison was out of town.

If you've ever seen any documentaries about the Rolling Stones or Led Zeppelin, then you know how hard English dudes can party when they're on tour. Apparently, by the time the King's soldiers' were through painting D.C. red and sun finally came up, pretty much all the public buildings in the city — including the White House (take that authority!) and the Library of Congress (take that learning!) were demolished, smoldering heaps of demolishedness.

Only thing that could possibly be more destructive would be a tornado wrapped up in a hurricane. And that's exactly what hit the city the very next day. Awesome!

Overindulging in alcohol can lead to all sorts of trouble. And yet, there are some who have battled their demons with the bottle while rising to some of the highest levels of public service. So, I might actually still get a chance to be somebody before my liver falls out. After all, look at all that's been accomplished by these guys.

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President Ulysses S. Grant

Some say that reports of President Grant's public drunkenness were vicious rumors started by his political enemies, but then again those people were probably never tasked with writing a piece about drunk U.S. Politicians. So shut up and let me do my job. And besides, no one can deny that there are some people who don't say that stories of Grant's public drunkeness were vicious rumors started by political enemies.

Indeed, some claim Grant left the army in 1854 rather then face court martial after his commanding officer, Robert C. Buchanan, found him drunk on duty as a pay officer. Another story claims that the term "lobbying" actually originated from the practice of political wheelers and dealers who frequented The Williard Hotel's lobby where Grant would often enjoy cigars and brandy.

And perhaps, the most damning evidence of Grant's drunkeness… his beard.

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Sen. Joseph McCarthy

The Senator from Wisconsin who led the fight on Communism (thereby cultivating a culture of panic and needlessly destroying many innocent lives while desecrating the freedoms that make America great) was many things. But he was not a quitter.

He did not cease in his unsubstantiated accusations of Communist infiltration of the State department. He never tired in his vilifying of opponents as pinkos and Commies. And he would not quit drinking.

A full-blown alcoholic, he died from cirrhosis of the liver in 1957.

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President Richard Nixon

They called Richard Nixon "Tricky Dick," but maybe they should have called him Drinky McDrinksalot. (Well, sure it doesn't have the same ring to it. And it doesn't really convey his penchant for dirty politics which was the point of the nickname. Also, his heavy drinking wasn't common knowledge so probably only those closest to him would have really been in a position to call him that and, frankly, I just can't picture Henry Kissinger saying that. But still, it seems Nixon did like to get his drink on, so, y'know, as far as nicknames go, I guess you could do worse.)

Previously released phone transcripts indicate that five days into the 1973 Arab-Israeli war, Nixon was too drunk to discuss the crisis with the British prime minister. Of course, in Nixon's defense, Dark Side of the Moon had just come out so there is every reason to believe that what his advisors mistook for drunkeness was really just our Commander in Chief being baked out of his mind.

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Sen. John Tower

In the history of our Nation, only nine cabinet appointees have failed to be sworn in, but Senator John Tower — George H.W. Bush's choice for Secretary of Defense was one of them.

Why? Well, during his nomination hearings, conservative activist Paul Weyrick testified that Tower was "morally unfit" to serve as Pentagon Chief because of excessive drinking and womanizing. Weyrick even claimed to have witnessed this behavior on several occasions. As an aside, I'd like you to just think of times when you've been drunk and womanizing. Can you picture anyone ever observing you soberly and silent in a corner, taking notes for a future day? Boy those conservative activists are fun.

In any event, Tower publicly pledged to abstain from alcohol if he were confirmed as defense secretary. And yet, he was not. That's pretty damn drinky.

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Sen. Bob Packwood

Sometimes people gladly confess to alcoholic indulgences rather than taking full responsibility for behavior society finds more offensive. For example, when Oregon Senator Bob Packwood was confronted with multiple claims of sexual harassment by several women, he claimed the indiscretions were the result of his drinking problem.

He subsequently underwent counseling while being reviewed by the Senate Ethics Committee. After a prolonged investigation in which more women came forward, Packwood eventually resigned in 1995.

So does he belong on this list? I mean, maybe he was just a sex addict. I don't know. Perhaps, history will never know, but if a man who inappropriately makes sexual advantages on multiple women wants to be called an alcoholic and I'm writing a column on political alcoholics then I'm not going to let things like details and the truth stand in the way.

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Sen. Ted Kennedy

Oh, it's easy to make fun of Ted Kennedy.

Well, not really that easy considering how close to death he is, but still easy in the sense that most people believe his drunk driving led to the death of a woman.

Wait I guess that's not funny either. And in 1991 he was partying down in Palm Beach, Florida — festivities that led to the rape trial of his nephew, William Kennedy Smith.

Damn, that's not at all humorous. Maybe alcohol abuse and the things that come from it aren't actually that appropriate for a comedy web site?

Could that be?

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Honorable Mention

You might be wondering why this article fails to mention Dick Cheney who had two DUIs or George Bush who had one. Well, maybe it's because that after eight years it's nice not to have to cover them. Congrats, boys. You didn't make the list. Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day. Drink up.

That bit of disappointment aside, Nate Silver looks at how his approval ratings so far match up with other presidents this far in…

Wow, this is really telling. Only two slots below the great George W. Bush. That's pretty badass. On the other hand, he's just one slot above Ronald Regan. Yuck.

Check out JFK all the way up top with a 73 percent approval rating. Now there was a guy who knew how to make a house out of fellatio.

Delicious fellatio.

Luckily, I don't have to now…

I can't wait until Richard Nixon's Cliff's Notes version of Will and Grace comes out.

No, not half off coupons on a Toyota Corolla or a mattress or whatever. That would be really cliché.

Because we know how much you, the Internet, love lists, we're counting down the greatest fake presidents. When we say fake president, we don't just mean George W. Bush (waits for applause from likeminded crowd).

This is a list of movie and TV presidents who led our country through deadly meteors, alien attacks, and Annette Bening blowjobs.

We didn't feature a list of real presidents because on President's day, shouldn't we focus on the Presidents we dream of having rather than the ones we probably deserve to get stuck with?

10. Deep Impact – President Tom Beck

Eloquent even when preparing the world for certain annihilation, President Tom Beck, played by Morgan Freeman, speaks in that calming voice-overy cadence that steered us through the more penguin-y death filled scenes of March of the Penguins.

I remember when the film was released theatrically, my South American cousin asked, "Where are all of the other world leaders? Why is the U.S. seemingly the only country that takes action during a fucking worldwide asteroid crisis?"

The answer is simple. When Morgan Freeman is president, you don't need any other leaders. At the time, I was too young to effectively explain this, so I settled with repeatedly chanting into his ear, "U.S.A! U.S.A!"

President Beck thoroughly plans a realistic contingency plan in case the astronauts assigned to destroy the asteroid fuck it all up. Of course, the astronauts fuck it all up in their first attempt because Billy Bob Thornton is clearly no Bruce Willis.

I would have put President Beck higher on the list, but, let's face it, Deep Impact isn't a very good movie. I really wish President Beck could have somehow created legislation so this movie wouldn't suck and be boring as hell.

9. Primary Colors – President Jack Stanton

It's unfortunate Primary Colors isn't widely remembered, because it is genuinely a decent film. President Jack Stanton in the film is a totally original and interesting character.

He is a silver-haired, womanizing, southern politician who narrowly avoids numerous sex scandals due to his mesmerizing charisma. How do they come up with this stuff?!

I almost didn't include President Jack Stanton in the countdown because he is played by John Travolta. I have nothing personal against Saturday Night Jack, but the idea of Travolta becoming president makes my stomach churn and my thetans feel nauseous.

8. The American President – President Andrew Shepherd

President Andrew Shepherd, played by Michael Douglas, has a lot in common with The West Wing's President Bartlett. In fact, this entire movie is basically The West Wing, but with Annette Bening in place of Richard Schiff.

Like any good Hollywood liberal, The American President's writer, Aaron Sorkin, would dutifully recycle material when creating The West Wing, making this film feel a tad obsolete.

As a result, I'm sure director Rob Reiner spends his nights crying into a patty melt.

7. Frost/Nixon – President Richard Nixon

Like most Americans, I loved Frost/Nixon. I speak obviously only of the trailer, because like most Americans, I actually didn't watch Frost/Nixon. But the fictional character of President Nixon in the trailer is by far one of my favorite fictional presidents ever.

In fact, I am even willing to overlook his hideously fake name. Nixon? Really? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass name like Nixon? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass person like Nixon? Sorry, Frank Langella, but you played an ugly dude.

Other than that, President Nixon is pretty badass.

You know that scene from the trailer where Nixon asks Frost, "Did you do any fornicating last night?" And then Frost is all like, "Whaaaaa?"

That's a pretty great scene. Or at least I guess it's a good scene. I'll probably never know for sure, since that slash in the title makes the film seem a little too smart for my tastes.

6. 24 – President David Palmer

24's President David Palmer is just plain wonderful. Although he might not be perfect and his entire family needs several walk-in closets just to begin hiding their skeletons, he is highly principled when allowing Jack Bauer to exploit our fears of terrorist attack for the sake of dramatic tension.

There are claims President David Palmer's presence prepared America for a black president. If this is true, how come Geena Davis didn't do shit for Hillary?

After deciding not to run for a second term, President Palmer followed in Bob Dole's footsteps and hawked Allstate Car Insurance for a living. Many polls indicate he may even be more popular than that goddamned Geicko gecko.

Unfortunately, President Palmer was assassinated in the fifth season but by then, the only people paying attention to 24 were Keifer Sutherland and John McCain.

5. The West Wing – President Josiah Bartlet

President Josiah Bartlet is basically the most perfect president in all of media history. He might make mistakes, but at the end of the day, his firm belief in not being a realistically flawed president in any way shape or form trumps everything.

Aaron Sorkin, The West Wing's creator, often claims he based Bartlett on Bill Clinton and his father, but I'm pretty sure he actually based Martin Sheen's character on Mother fucking Teresa.

Bartlet's biggest Achilles' Heel is his Multiple Sclerosis, which mostly just recalls Franklin Delano Roosevelt, one of our most beloved real life presidents.

He's probably the greatest fake president who is actually celebrated for doing a president's real job instead of personally killing terrorists and aliens with his own two hands.

The only reason I'm not putting him as number one is because President Bartlet is still grounded in some reality. He is realistically unbelievable, which sounds like an oxymoron, until we get to some other fictional presidents who are truly oxymoronic, but in an amazing way.

4. Superman Comics- President Lex Luthor

Back in 2000, Superman's arch nemesis, Lex Luthor, ran for President and won. Despite the fact he was a villain, he still managed to do a lot of good by stopping the use of fossil fuels. That's the great thing about comics. They can fantasize about a great escapist future where we aren't literally burning our planet from the inside out. What imaginations!

Under Luthor's presidency, he protected Earth against an alien invasion. It was later revealed President Luthor knew about the incoming aliens and allowed them to attack Topeka, Kansas.

Superman and the rest of the Justice League are obviously aghast by this fact, but they completely ignore that FDR totally knew about Pearl Harbor and was all like, "Fuck it, dog. I'm wheeling my polio ass to bed."

So, by this logic, President Luthor was only doing what FDR would do, and like I already mentioned, he is one of our greatest presidents.

'Nuff said… oops, that's Marvel's catchphrase.

3. Super President – President James Norcross

Back in the late 60's, NBC aired a limited animation cartoon based on the exploits of a super powered chief of state. When President James Norcross becomes zapped by cosmic rays, he acquires superpowers, transforming him into Super President.

With the power to turn his molecular composition into any substance, President Norcross can easily defeat his numerous foes, like Russian spies, domestic terrorists, and congressional leaders.

The best part, as animation historian Jerry Beck points out, is Super President's chubby sidekick who bears strong resemblance to real life super villain, Karl Rove.

The series was short-lived since it was considered poor taste in light of the JFK assassination to depict an invulnerable president who could materialize into any substance, including a not dead president.

But now that we've had plenty of action hero presidents and a real life messiah president, isn't it time to revive our first super hero president too?

I smell a tent pole picture starring Shia Lebeouf as Super Prez.

2. Independence Day – President Thomas J. Whitmore

Bill Pullman playing Thomas J. Whitmore is exactly how George W. Bush sees himself. He's a no nonsense president who is slipping in the polls but following his inner principles. After America is attacked by foreigners (they are foreign to the planet Earth), President Whitmore rises to the occasion and personally protects freedom.

He is exactly like Bush, except, you know, he never weaseled his way out of military duty. Also, George W. Bush never climbed into a fighter jet to personally fight an enemy. Bush wisely limited his fighter jet experience to ill-conceived PR opportunities.

If the world was actually ambushed by aliens, Bush would not slip into his pilot jumper and board a military jet. He'd probably just hire a mercenary organization like Blackwater. And then they'd definitely end up killing all our good aliens, like ET, Chewbacca, and Mac from Mac and Me.

1. Air Force One – President James Marshall

Harrison Ford as President James Marshall is like Officer John McClane from Die Hard except he uses the word "fuck" a lot less. After all, we can't have our president going around using curse words.

I'm almost certain if any president was taken hostage, they would do one of two things, a.) sell out their beloved country to save their own presidential hides or b.) die with dignity knowing we cannot compromise our values to brute force (i.e. not negotiating with terrorists). In the real world, those are the only two realistic options. But in the movie world, those are the only two COMPLETELY BORING options.

Instead, President Marshall takes matter into his own hands, ejecting an empty escape pod, killing several terrorists, and freeing many of the hostages through the plane's parachute hanger.

When Bill Clinton saw the movie, he complained the real Air Force One didn't have an escape pod or a parachute hanger, as if this was the only unbelievable part of the film.

Bill Clinton, let's stop being polite and start getting real. The most unbelievable part of Air Force One isn't the escape pod or the parachute hanger. It's that the president of the United States acted like he was elected to pass legislation and kick ass, and he was all out of legislation. President Clinton, you can barely go for a morning job without stopping at a McDonalds.

The only time Bill Clinton ever uttered the words, "Get off my plane," was when he wanted Al Gore to stop boring him about the fuel efficiency of the aircraft.

Closing Thoughts – President Me

Now, before you all go off the handle in the comments section bitching about how I didn't include your favorite fake president, take a deep breath and go grill something already. Enjoy the day off. Unless of course you work in retail, in which case, get back to work you lazy bum!

* What if George Bush and Ron Paul were the stars of a comic book adaptation of the movie Roadhouse from 1989? Yeah, but what if?

* Playing poker with Harry Reid has got to be the best money-making enterprise ever invented.

* Turns out that it was Tina Fey and Katie Couric who were the ones exploiting Sarah Palin's manufactured image as a down-home hockey mom maverick. You owe me a Coke.

* The Washington Post is calling Barack Obama "Nixonian" — conservatives, liberals alike despair for appropriate reaction.

* Barack Obama decides to keep yet another Bush appointee on staff.

* Politico: "Daschle floats through Senate hearing" — Sounds to me like somebody needs to call a paranormalist.