So Indecision asked me to write a list of women who have had infamous sexual relationships with political figures.
“Oh, like political mistresses?" I asked.
“No. More like Secret Girlfriends,” they replied.
“Secret Girlfriends? What? Why would you call them that?”
“Oh, no reason.”

#7 – William Rufus King
Senator from Alabama, Vice President under Franklin Pierce, and according to some, President James Buchanan’s lover. “Where’s my proof,” you ask? To which I reply, “Proof? Really? This is the internet.” In any event, Buchanan was our nation’s only bachelor President and he did live with King for quite some time. Need more? Well, apparently Andrew Jackson used to refer to King as “Miss Nancy.” So there’s that. Although I must confess that even in the 1800’s “Miss Nancy” seems like a pretty weak slam on a guy you’re trying to paint as gay. Is that really the best Old Hickory could do? More like “Old Dickory,” amirite? See what I mean?

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Tabloidy gutter-rag the New York Times ran, over the weekend, another juicy story about John Edwards, that guy who used to do PR for mills. Nobody likes John Edwards much any more, ever since he cheated on his dying wife and fathered an illegitimate child with Rielle Hunter and lied about it, which is why there are investigations and calls for paternity tests and all kinds of embarrassing things going on right now.

But according to the Times, which has a copy of a book proposal written by former Edwards aide Andrew Young, the most humiliating detail of all is this: John Edwards is secretly that "sensitive" guy you dated in college…

Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.

Oh, Rielle. Honey. You can't buy a line like that. Face it, that guy is just going to get wasted on Natty Light and vomit on your couch.

Anyway, now that the jig is up and the feds are involved, music fans around the world will never get a chance to hear the super-special song Daaaaave was going to compose for the Edwards-Hunter nuptials: "I Cheated on My Dying Wife and Fathered an Illegitimate Child With You Oooh Crash Into Me (Harmonica Solo)." Such a loss.

There's been so much sexy sexing of sexy ladies by the sexy, sexy men of the Republican Party lately, I'd almost forgotten about the Democrat who put the 'sexy' in 'tawdry cheating' last year. And with better hair!

Thanks for the reminder, Daily News, plus visuals…

Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says the ex-senator and his former mistress, Rielle Hunter, once made a sex tape, according to someone who has seen Young’s book proposal.

While he was unpacking, Young discovered a videocassette, according to the book pitch. Hunter had been hired by the Edwards campaign to videotape the candidate’s movements, but this one is said to have shown him taking positions that weren’t on his official platform.

Well, that's kind of a letdown.

Nothing's hotter than two consenting adults trying to achieve universal health care by creating regional "Health Care Markets" to let every American share the bargaining power to purchase an affordable, high-quality health plan, increase choices among insurance plans and cut costs for businesses offering insurance. Rrrrowwwrrrr.

Here's a fragment from Fragments From Edwards! The Musical, by Ben Greenman on McSweeney's…

RIELLE HUNTER
Hi, I'm Lisa.
I mean Rielle.
Will you take me
To a hotel?

JOHN EDWARDS
Well, I never.
I'm shocked and dismayed.
My wife and children
Would feel betrayed.
Plus, there's a special circumstance:
My wife has cancer. It's advanced.

(JOHN EDWARDS's phone rings.)

JOHN EDWARDS
What? That's great.
The hand of fate
Has relaxed its stranglehold.
God's mercy should be extolled.

(JOHN EDWARDS hangs up his phone.)

JOHN EDWARDS
Oh, wait, now she's in remission.
I guess that means I have permission.

Unfortunately, this show is only playing in the other America.

From Salon's Scott Bateman, here's an animated version of an on-air debate/throwdown between Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes concerning John Edwards and John McCain's wayward penises from earlier this week.

And holy shit does Alan Colmes deliver the smackdown!

Here's my personal favorite part, from the very end…

Hannity: Let's see how you act after getting beaten after five and a half years!

I think we just did.

John Edwards speaks…

"It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry. In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic."

Well, luckily the American voters were there to relieve him of that delusion.

"If you want to beat me up — feel free."

I'm sure that many people will take him up on this offer.

"You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself."

Has this guy just now started paying attention to the American media?

(see previous post)