So Indecision asked me to write a list of women who have had infamous sexual relationships with political figures.
“Oh, like political mistresses?" I asked.
“No. More like Secret Girlfriends,” they replied.
“Secret Girlfriends? What? Why would you call them that?”
“Oh, no reason.”

#7 – William Rufus King
Senator from Alabama, Vice President under Franklin Pierce, and according to some, President James Buchanan’s lover. “Where’s my proof,” you ask? To which I reply, “Proof? Really? This is the internet.” In any event, Buchanan was our nation’s only bachelor President and he did live with King for quite some time. Need more? Well, apparently Andrew Jackson used to refer to King as “Miss Nancy.” So there’s that. Although I must confess that even in the 1800’s “Miss Nancy” seems like a pretty weak slam on a guy you’re trying to paint as gay. Is that really the best Old Hickory could do? More like “Old Dickory,” amirite? See what I mean?

# 6 – Monica Lewinsky
No list of secret girlfriends would be complete without Monica Lewinsky, but as someone who was cognizant of political humor in the 90s I don’t know what I can say about it now. Every cigar-inserting, dress-staining, fat-girls-give-good-oral joke has already been made a hundred times. I just don’t want to go there. And it’s not just because there’s a chance I might bump into Monica at synagogue. It’s because I lost my virginity to her. Yesterday. What? Don’t look at me!

#5 – Callista Bisek
You might not recognize her name, but Ms. Bisek is the woman House Speaker Gingrich was showing his little newt to while simultaneously leading the charge against President Clinton for the Lewinsky scandal. And don’t get your hopes up that Bisek was some double agent hoping to expose Gingrich’s family values hypocrisy. Bisek actually married him. But that might just be because "Mrs. Gingrich" has a nicer ring to it than "Newt-Fucker."

#4 – Rielle Hunter
Say what you want about John Edwards, but he sure had sex with another woman while his wife was battling cancer. And that woman was Rielle Hunter. You might know her as the woman John Edwards said he didn’t have sex with. Others of you might recall her as the woman he later admitted to having sex with. I’m still not sure whether or not her baby is his. Did we get confirmation on that? In any event, I do know one thing. That affair ended those rumors about him being gay. Oh, and his political career.

#3 – Ashley Dupre
Now, I’m not sure if you can really refer to a prostitute as a “girlfriend,” but I just couldn’t make this list without Elliot Spitzer’s dangerous-sex-for-money-girl, Ashley Dupre. Why go to a pro? I’m guessing Eliot liked to play certain games reserved strictly for professionals. Role play scenarios like “you be the embezzling Enron exec and I’ll be the minority shareholder who gets screwed over by your dirty dealings. Your dirty, dirty dealings. Inflate assets! Hide the debt! Golden parachute, mmmmmmmmmmmmm….”

#2 – Marilyn Monroe
How can the most famous woman in the world be a secret girlfriend? I’d tell you, but then I might ruin the good thing I have going with Queen Elizabeth. Much has been made about JFK’s alleged trysts with the blonde bombshell, but Marilyn’s greatest contribution to the study of secret girlfriends might be in establishing the high water mark for my theory: “The Ever Decreasing Slope of Presidential Tail.” As exhibited by this chart, applying my theory (with a sample group of two) we can predict, with no chance of error, that Barack Obama will reveal his secret girlfriend to be Paula Abdul some time in late 2010.

#1 – Maria Belen Chapur
I don’t speak Spanish, but I’m told “Belen Chapur” means “woman so hot she can make a mildly retarded South Carolina governor disappear.” For six days in 2009, Gov. Mark Sanford went “missing” while getting some face time with his Argentinean mistress. Like in Argentina, which surprisingly is not as discrete a location as you’d think. When Sanford returned, he confessed in an overly sentimental news conference and was greeted with calls for his resignation. Still, Sanford’s fraudulent alibi for his whereabouts during those six days –“hiking the Appalachian trail”—will surely go down as one of the greatest euphemisms for nookie in the history of dirty secret sex politics.

But according to the Times, which has a copy of a book proposal written by former Edwards aide Andrew Young, the most humiliating detail of all is this: John Edwards is secretly that "sensitive" guy you dated in college…

Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.

Oh, Rielle. Honey. You can't buy a line like that. Face it, that guy is just going to get wasted on Natty Light and vomit on your couch.

Anyway, now that the jig is up and the feds are involved, music fans around the world will never get a chance to hear the super-special song Daaaaave was going to compose for the Edwards-Hunter nuptials: "I Cheated on My Dying Wife and Fathered an Illegitimate Child With You Oooh Crash Into Me (Harmonica Solo)." Such a loss.

Thanks for the reminder, Daily News, plus visuals…

Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says the ex-senator and his former mistress, Rielle Hunter, once made a sex tape, according to someone who has seen Young’s book proposal.

While he was unpacking, Young discovered a videocassette, according to the book pitch. Hunter had been hired by the Edwards campaign to videotape the candidate’s movements, but this one is said to have shown him taking positions that weren’t on his official platform.

Well, that's kind of a letdown.

Nothing's hotter than two consenting adults trying to achieve universal health care by creating regional "Health Care Markets" to let every American share the bargaining power to purchase an affordable, high-quality health plan, increase choices among insurance plans and cut costs for businesses offering insurance. Rrrrowwwrrrr.

RIELLE HUNTER
Hi, I'm Lisa.
I mean Rielle.
Will you take me
To a hotel?

JOHN EDWARDS
Well, I never.
I'm shocked and dismayed.
My wife and children
Would feel betrayed.
Plus, there's a special circumstance:
My wife has cancer. It's advanced.

(JOHN EDWARDS's phone rings.)

JOHN EDWARDS
What? That's great.
The hand of fate
Has relaxed its stranglehold.
God's mercy should be extolled.

(JOHN EDWARDS hangs up his phone.)

JOHN EDWARDS
Oh, wait, now she's in remission.
I guess that means I have permission.

Unfortunately, this show is only playing in the other America.

And holy shit does Alan Colmes deliver the smackdown!

Here's my personal favorite part, from the very end…

Hannity: Let's see how you act after getting beaten after five and a half years!

I think we just did.

"It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry. In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic."

Well, luckily the American voters were there to relieve him of that delusion.

"If you want to beat me up — feel free."

I'm sure that many people will take him up on this offer.

"You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself."

Has this guy just now started paying attention to the American media?

(see previous post)

Well, I wonder if this makes it newsworthy enough?

John Edwards repeatedly lied during his Presidential campaign about an extramarital affair with a novice filmmaker, the former Senator admitted to ABC News today.

In an interview for broadcast tonight on Nightline, Edwards told ABC News correspondent Bob Woodruff he did have an affair with 44-year old Rielle Hunter, but said that he did not love her.

Well, as long as he didn't love her — as long as it wasn't a complicated matter of the heart and was just dirty, unseemly, inconsiderate sex — I guess that makes it kind of better somehow.

Oh, and wouldn't this just have been a fantastic development for the Democrats and the country if he had managed to sure up the Democratic nomination?

For what it's worth, Edwards still contends that Hunter's baby is not his…

Edwards said he knew he was not the father based on timing of the baby's birth on February 27, 2008. He said his affair ended too soon for him to have been the father.

A former campaign aide, Andrew Young, has said he was the father of the child.

What the shit was going on in that campaign? No wonder they petered out so soon. They must have been exhausted.

No?

Well, maybe you don't read The National Enquirer quite enough…

A team of Enquirer reporters caught [John Edwards] visiting his mistress and secret love child late Monday night at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles hotel…

Said [Enquirer reporter Alan] Butterfield: "The car had a baby seat in the back for Rielle [Hunter]'s infant. He pulled into the parking lot, took a ticket from the automated machine, pulled forward, and stopped right after the parking gate lowered. Edwards got out of the passenger side, walked around the front of the car and went in a side entrance near the swimming pool.

"McGovern parked the car and then slowly walked back inside the hotel and went upstairs"…

We can now reveal that the man who drove Edwards was Bob McGovern, the same man who drove Rielle to the hotel from Santa Barbara and rented her room in his name.

This would be pretty damning evidence if The National Enquirer were called The New York Times, or even The Los Angeles Times.

On the other hand, this is a smut story, and that's where The Enquirer shines. They were the first people on the scene for Bill Clinton's cigar shenanigans with Monica Lewinsky and their scum-bagginess did uncover some key details in the O.J. Simpson debacle.

So, who knows…

Edwards' advisers are "spitting mad and furious" that his late-night escapades have made international headlines because it could derail his chances of becoming Barack Obama's running mate.

Ya think?

More on this as disgusting allegations and half-cocked speculations emerge.