As President Obama threatens to infect America with pus-filled mandates and a nasty, oozing deficit, Republicans are scrambling to position themselves as authorities on health care. They have facts! And talking points, like "dangerous experiment" and "cabal"!

Of course, they also have RNC chairman Michael Steele…

Asked about his health care coverage at the RNC, Steele told CNN, "BlueCross BlueShield, I believe. Or maybe not. I think it's BlueCross BlueShield."

In fact, two sources say it's Cigna that provides the RNC health coverage.

Now, now. There's a very simple reason why Michael Steele doesn't know the name of his health insurance provider. Just give him a minute to explain…

"I haven't had to use the plan too much, thank goodness – although there are days on this job," Steele said.

I think what he means is, Cigna doesn't cover foot-in-mouth disease.

Especially when it's a pre-existing condition.

As Jon Stewart pointed out on last night's Daily Show, RNC Chairman Michael Steele is now opposing same-sex marriage on the grounds that it is somehow bad for small business. Unless, you know, the small business is a bakery, florist, dressmaker, tuxedo rental, reception hall, print shop, photography studio, DJ, limousine service, hotel, travel agency or divorce law firm. I guess they all vote Democrat.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Michael Steele was selected to head the RNC as the Republicans' answer to Barack Obama. And the similarities are endless. Obama has a meticulous legal mind. Steele has a mustache. Obama is eloquent, charming and effective. Steele is bumbling, sweaty and incompetent. Obama is black, Steele is black. If you can tell them apart, you're either lying or Batman.

There is, however, one crucial difference:

While hosting Bill Bennett's radio show Friday morning, Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele appeared to agree with a caller that President Obama is "the magic Negro."

CALLER: It's just like the LA Times said last year, or two years ago — he is the magic Negro.
STEELE: Yeah he is — [laughter]. You read that too, huh?
CALLER: Oh yeah. I read that too. And even when things go wrong, he still manages to come out smelling like a rose.
STEELE: Well, yeah. And it's because he's getting unprecedented coverage — cover — by the media.

Steele just can't pull a quarter out of America's ear, and the cool uncle always gets the press. Guess they'll have to dump him after all.

Drew Weston — blogging on the Huffington Post — does his best to divvy up the GOP into its five main characters.

He goes into a lot more detail, but lemme try to break them down quick and dirty for you…

1. The Libertarians - "believe government should be small and weak and kept that way through low taxes"

2. The Jesus Heads - "believe that they have privileged knowledge of God's Will and hence have the right to use whatever methods available–including the instruments of state–to impose that will on others"

3. The Tight Wads - "accept the premises of the New Deal… but prefer the safety net and tax codes to be thin"

4. The Face Smashers - Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

5. The Racists - Hey, it's been a good voting bloc to cultivate. (Thanks for getting them warmed up, Democrats!)

All five have managed to co-exist somehow or other in recent years.

The question is how much longer they can keep it up.

Dawg, did you see Young Ceezy bring it to Mike Steele of the Notorious GOP last night? Shit was tighter than a Grover Norquist-approved federal budget, son! It was hotter than the earth under the motherfucking Clear Skies Act of 2003, yo! Check it!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Last night on the Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert re-challenged RNC Chairman Michael Steele to a rap battle via e-mail. That e-mail has now been printed out, proofread, re-scanned, cropped, screenshot, and re-posted to the web.

You can see the full e-mail here, complete with lawyer jokes as promised.