Everybody in the world seems to be freaking the fuck out about how the Spanish First Family is kind of gothy, because this is the Internet and why not?

Anyway, in response, BuzzFeed made a list of some awkward political family photos — even though the Zapateros seemed, to me at least, pretty comfortable in their wan, Twilight-loving skin — because this is the Internet and why not?

And now I'm highlighting my favorite one — the Reagans — because this is the Internet and why not?

No wonder they called him The Great Coordinator.

You get it? Because… you know, because "communicator" and "coordinator." And that outfit, and, well… Look at those pants, they're… you know, um…

Okay, I'm sorry.

Help, someone. I feel faint…

The new plan that President Obama laid out for a missile shield against Iran on Thursday turns Ronald Reagan's vision of a Star Wars system on its head: Rather than focusing first on protecting the continental United States, it shifts the immediate effort to defending Europe and the Middle East.

Nooo! Not Ronald Reagan's vision of a Star Wars system! That's like snatching food from the hands of a starving orphan and then eating a pizza in front of him, just to spite Mother Teresa's ghost!

There's no time to read about how Obama's plan will replace old technology with new technology and realign defense priorities based on what Iran is actually doing with its short-range missile program. No time for that, we need a delivery of smelling salts to the Weekly Standard…

This is a decision based purely on ideology and the good soldiers on the Joint Chiefs of Staff and and at the Pentagon have no choice but to go along for the ride. At least the president ought to be honest about what this means and stop the smears of missile defense.

Quick poll: Are Barack Obama's smears of our missile defense system motivated by race, yes or no?

Imagine my excitement when I spotted the words "Reaganesque zingers" scrolling through the ol' RSS feed — why, it felt like the Fourth of July and my birthday combined, with ice cream cake and fireworks and that hovercraft I've been wanting, only more patriotic (if such a thing were even possible)! Is there anything I love more than a good zinger delivered in the style of America's greatest president, Ronald Reagan?

Yes. I would love it more if Ronald Reagan were brought back to life so he could grace us with his zippy zingers in person. Until that technology is developed, however, Tim Pawlenty will have to do…

Republicans have been starved for leadership, so it’s exciting when a rising political star delivers a rousing address full of Reaganesque zingers.

"Our system in the United States isn’t cash for clunkers, it’s cash for flunkers. It’s a disgrace that anyone is forced to go to a bad school." The speaker was Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota, who delivered his forceful remarks to GOPAC [during a GOP hobnob fest over the weekend] without notes and without a teleprompter.*

Hahahahaha, cash for flunkers! Zing, Tim! That'll show our stupid public education system, which just spends all its time in the alley outside the art room, smoking cigarettes and sulking.

Hey, I've got one: "Our system in the United States isn't cash for clunkers. It's No Child Left Behind, which prioritizes standardized test scores over actual learning, encourages schools to fudge their "improvements" to get funding, and imposes punitive sanctions on failing school districts, which helps them fail even more-unkers."

Nah, you're right. Tim's is better. That's why he gets paid to write jokes and I don't.

^{* Note for nitpickers: Yes, I know. In the picture to the right, you can see notes and a teleprompter. It was the only recentish photo I could find of Tim Seinfeld-Pawlenty at a podium. Clearly Mr. Pawlenty-Carlin has used notes and a teleprompter in the past… perhaps he just got better at hiding them, hmm?}

* Oh, like the president in the $3,000 suit is gonna listen to this guy? Come on!

* I've got an idea! Let's dig up Ronald Reagan's putrefied corpse again and ask him what he thinks about socialized medicine! (Spolier alert: He doesn't like it.)

* And, while we're at it, let's drag the ghost of Terri Schiavo into this. (Spolier alert: Barack Obama wants to kill her grandmother.)

* And, finally, this article from Esquire is the next worst thing to actually hanging out with Orly Taitz for the day.

Here's a brand new, must-have edition of America's founding document and the basis of everything the country stands for: The American Patriot's Bible!

But you may be asking yourself: What's wrong with my old Bible, the one that Jesus descended from Heaven to hand over to George Washington after he crossed the Delaware? Nothing. That's Bible is fine. But this one's better. Because it comes with conservative talking points!

"This Bible is designed for the decent, hardworking core of America, the ordinary man or woman who loves this nation and believes it springs from godly roots," says Richard G. Lee, a Southern Baptist pastor from Georgia who served as the Bible's general editor.

"Christians have believed all along that this nation sprung from Judeo-Christian ethics. Now they can say, "Oh, now I know where this uniqueness comes from in our nation's history."'…

Lee sprinkles his Bible with some 300 articles about "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," the right to keep and bear arms, the war in Iraq and religious broadcasting.

It's so sad how many people forget that Jesus died on that cross to protect the 2nd Amendment. And his apostles could have shot him out of there if only they were allowed to carry a fully automatic assault rifles.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm getting a kind of heavy bi-partisan — really, "non-partisan" — vibe off of this Bible which is so obviously trying to tear down the wall between church and state. Do you think that was Lee's goal? I'll bet it was…

His goal was to create a "non-partisan" Bible, but he quotes Republican Ronald Reagan more times than Democrats Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Lyndon Johnson and John F. Kennedy combined.

In an interview, Lee said he doesn't even know if Carter, a fellow Georgian and longtime Baptist Sunday school teacher, is a Christian. As for President Obama? "I haven't seen any patriotism from him yet."

Plus, isn't he a Muslim? So, can he even be patriotic?

(via Pam's House Blend)

Did you pick up on this whole thing Newt Gingrich said the other day at that GOP fundraiser in which he totally burnt the president for claiming to be a citizen of the world, like, a million years ago?

Gingrich: "I am not a citizen of the world. I think the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous."

Me neither. Because, really, who gives a shit what that guy says?

I'll tell you who gives a shit what that guy says. Media Matters for America gives a shit what that guy says…

In a July 2008 speech in Berlin, Germany, Obama described himself as "a citizen — a proud citizen of the United States, and a fellow citizen of the world." In a June 17, 1982, speech to the United Nations General Assembly, [Ronald] Reagan similarly said, "I speak today as both a citizen of the United States and of the world."

Aha! So, Newt Gingrich wasn't actually just grasping at straws and turning whatever Obama quote was readily available around in an effort to do what he does and be a partisan blowhard. No! He was accidentally admitting that he actually hates Ronald Reagan and conservative ideals and America and God.

Good catch, Media Matters!