So, you've got less than $20 in your budget, but really really need to get a former President of the United States to give a motivational speech to every single person that you work with. You're probably screwed, right? Because that's how things usually work in real life, right? Right?

Actually, maybe not. I have a feeling something can be arranged…

I know. I know! Those 1,900 pennies are only going to get you George W. Bush standing in front of all your co-workers? Really? Is that the best offer we can come up with?

Not in America, it's not!

Besides [Terry] Bradshaw ("legendary NFL Hall of Fame quarterback), [Zig] Ziglar ("America's #1 motivator") and [Rudy] Giuliani ("America's mayor"), Bush will appear at the Fort Worth event with Colin Powell ("legendary soldier-statesman"), Robert Schuller ("America's best inspirational speaker"), Rick Belluzzo ("legendary president of Microsoft") and Tamara Lowe ("top sales expert and author of Get Motivated!").

Nia Vardalos ("star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and My Life in Ruins") apparently had conflicts that day. Maybe next year.

So, Rudy Giuliani is back on the campaign trail, stumping for his old friend Michael Bloomberg. And, wouldn't you know it, but if we don't give our mayor a third (and maybe fourth or fifth, who knows?) term, there''s gonna be be some Snake Plissken shit goin' on up in this joint…

Mr. Giuliani did not mention Mr. Bloomberg's Democratic challenger, William C. Thompson Jr., by name. But during the first of two campaign events alongside Mr. Bloomberg, he said that not long ago many parts of the city were gripped by "the fear of going out at night and walking the streets."

"You know exactly what I’m talking about," Mr. Giuliani said at a breakfast sponsored by the Jewish Community Council in Borough Park, Brooklyn. "This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction — it could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership."

You know the old saying: You can take the Republican politician out of the cartoonish fear-mongering environment of the 2008 presidential elections, but you can't take the cartoonish fear-mongering environment of the 2008 presidential elections out of the Republican politician.

Rudy Giuliani — always the classiest guy in the room — just somehow wasn't able to make the time — in his busy schedule of having no job — to attend his two gay friends' wedding ceremony in Connecticut this past weekend…

The couple famously let the ex-mayor crash at their luxury $2.37 million three-bedroom Manhattan apartment while he was going through a nasty divorce with Donna Hanover in 2001. Later, Giuliani married the "other woman," Judith Nathan.

"Rudy and Judith were both invited with a beautiful written invitation by mail," said Koeppel. "His secretary called Thursday and said he was not able to come to the wedding and wished us all the best."

All the best… with one small exception…

Giuliani has stated he has no problem with civil unions but told The Post he'd speak out against gay marriage if he runs for governor.

I guess what he really wishes them is a separate but equal best with similar privileges but a distinct, non-threatening definition.

Rudy Giuliani is hoping to take over for Bill O'Reilly, interviewing and shouting down people on the airwaves, after Papa Bear leaves his longtime spot on talk radio.

Let's see how he fares on the other side of Q and A…

Part 2 after the jump…

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Okay, so Bill O'Reilly is quitting his radio show on which he acts like a dick for three hours and glorifies his own heroism as "culture warrior" to concentrate on being a super humongous dick for one hour on his Fox News show. And good for him. The world needs dicks, and it'll be nice to have some dickosity concentrated at such levels.

But, how do you replace a guy like Bill O'Reilly? Even if you were legally allowed to throw a rabid orangutan in a sound booth for a few hours a day, I still don't think you'd manage to approximate quite the same world view. So, what do you do?

Well, as luck would have it, it appears that former New York City mayor and pathetic presidential nominee Rudy Giuliani thinks he can do an even better job than that deranged primate. And way better then the orangutan…

Westwood One, which syndicates the O'Reilly show, is negotiating with the former mayor. Giuliani, who doesn't suffer fools gladly, famously ridiculed a ferret owner on the radio in 1999, calling him "deranged."

Some wonder if Rudy could sit for three hours a day chitchatting about politics.

Seriously, I mean, how much time would he really be able to eat up everyday glorifying his own heroism as a speechmaker on September 11th?

Like two, two-and-a-half hours tops?

Remember Rudy Giuliani, America's Mayor, who was crushed in the GOP Presidential primaries? (Though "crushed" is really an insult to crushed items.)

Rudy is contemplating a run for New York's governor. Based on recent trends — NY went for Obama by 26 points — the state looks like it's ready to turn rightward.

Rudy's also keen on keeping options open for the Presidency…

Giuliani also wouldn't rule out the possibility of making a second run for the presidency. "No one knows whether you'll do something again until you come to the point of: 'Is it possible to do it again? Would you have a chance of winning?'" he said. "I mean, those are just things you can't evaluate right now."

Since he only blew through $59 million for his one delegate, he could easily break that record in 2012. Because in 4 years, Republicans will be ready for a pro-choice cross dresser, who, according to Ed Koch, "looks like he'd kill an old woman in a wheel chair."

I'm hopeful that Rudy runs for something, since it makes my job easier, but there are problems with the longevity of his campaigns.

Given Rudy's track record when he ran against Hillary for the Senate, not to mention his super awesome "We'll win it all in Florida" performance in the GOP primaries, my guess is that he'll announce at a press conference that he's running for governor, then issue a press release five minutes later to confirm that he's dropping out.