Eleven…

Former Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani has decided not to run for governor of New York next year after months of mulling a candidacy, according to people who have been told of the decision.

Nine eleven nine eleven?

It was not clear what prompted the decision, but the prospect of potentially facing Attorney General Andrew M. Cuomo, who is quietly planning his own run for governor on the Democratic ticket, may not have appealed to Mr. Giuliani, who suffered a bruising defeat in the 2008 Republican presidential primary. While many political analysts believe Mr. Giuliani would have comfortably beaten Gov. David A. Paterson, he would likely have faced an uphill battle against Mr. Cuomo, one of the most popular politicians in the state.

Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven. Nine eleven nine eleven nine: eleven nine eleven; nine eleven nine eleven; nine eleven nine; eleven nine.

Eleven nine eleven.

Update: Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven. Nine eleven?!?!

Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani has decided not to run for governor next year – but will run for U.S. Senate instead, sources told the Daily News.

If elected, the source said, he could use that as a stepping stone to run for President in 2012 — rather than run for re-election to the Senate.

Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Actually, maybe not. I have a feeling something can be arranged…

I know. I know! Those 1,900 pennies are only going to get you George W. Bush standing in front of all your co-workers? Really? Is that the best offer we can come up with?

Not in America, it's not!

Besides [Terry] Bradshaw ("legendary NFL Hall of Fame quarterback), [Zig] Ziglar ("America's #1 motivator") and [Rudy] Giuliani ("America's mayor"), Bush will appear at the Fort Worth event with Colin Powell ("legendary soldier-statesman"), Robert Schuller ("America's best inspirational speaker"), Rick Belluzzo ("legendary president of Microsoft") and Tamara Lowe ("top sales expert and author of Get Motivated!").

Nia Vardalos ("star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and My Life in Ruins") apparently had conflicts that day. Maybe next year.

Mr. Giuliani did not mention Mr. Bloomberg's Democratic challenger, William C. Thompson Jr., by name. But during the first of two campaign events alongside Mr. Bloomberg, he said that not long ago many parts of the city were gripped by "the fear of going out at night and walking the streets."

"You know exactly what I’m talking about," Mr. Giuliani said at a breakfast sponsored by the Jewish Community Council in Borough Park, Brooklyn. "This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction — it could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership."

You know the old saying: You can take the Republican politician out of the cartoonish fear-mongering environment of the 2008 presidential elections, but you can't take the cartoonish fear-mongering environment of the 2008 presidential elections out of the Republican politician.

The couple famously let the ex-mayor crash at their luxury $2.37 million three-bedroom Manhattan apartment while he was going through a nasty divorce with Donna Hanover in 2001. Later, Giuliani married the "other woman," Judith Nathan.

"Rudy and Judith were both invited with a beautiful written invitation by mail," said Koeppel. "His secretary called Thursday and said he was not able to come to the wedding and wished us all the best."

All the best… with one small exception…

Giuliani has stated he has no problem with civil unions but told The Post he'd speak out against gay marriage if he runs for governor.

I guess what he really wishes them is a separate but equal best with similar privileges but a distinct, non-threatening definition.

Let's see how he fares on the other side of Q and A…

Part 2 after the jump…

But, how do you replace a guy like Bill O'Reilly? Even if you were legally allowed to throw a rabid orangutan in a sound booth for a few hours a day, I still don't think you'd manage to approximate quite the same world view. So, what do you do?

Well, as luck would have it, it appears that former New York City mayor and pathetic presidential nominee Rudy Giuliani thinks he can do an even better job than that deranged primate. And way better then the orangutan…

Westwood One, which syndicates the O'Reilly show, is negotiating with the former mayor. Giuliani, who doesn't suffer fools gladly, famously ridiculed a ferret owner on the radio in 1999, calling him "deranged."

Some wonder if Rudy could sit for three hours a day chitchatting about politics.

Seriously, I mean, how much time would he really be able to eat up everyday glorifying his own heroism as a speechmaker on September 11th?

Like two, two-and-a-half hours tops?

Rudy is contemplating a run for New York's governor. Based on recent trends — NY went for Obama by 26 points — the state looks like it's ready to turn rightward.

Rudy's also keen on keeping options open for the Presidency…

Giuliani also wouldn't rule out the possibility of making a second run for the presidency. "No one knows whether you'll do something again until you come to the point of: 'Is it possible to do it again? Would you have a chance of winning?'" he said. "I mean, those are just things you can't evaluate right now."

Since he only blew through $59 million for his one delegate, he could easily break that record in 2012. Because in 4 years, Republicans will be ready for a pro-choice cross dresser, who, according to Ed Koch, "looks like he'd kill an old woman in a wheel chair."

I'm hopeful that Rudy runs for something, since it makes my job easier, but there are problems with the longevity of his campaigns.

Given Rudy's track record when he ran against Hillary for the Senate, not to mention his super awesome "We'll win it all in Florida" performance in the GOP primaries, my guess is that he'll announce at a press conference that he's running for governor, then issue a press release five minutes later to confirm that he's dropping out.

While Democratic challenger Jim Martin is forced to make due with a team of "Obama surrogates," Chambliss has mobilized so many A-List Republicans, you'd think Terri Schiavo had moved to Georgia.

Among the GOP stars due to appear…

John McCain
What He Brings to the Table: 52% of the Georgia vote.  Tell-all stories about Joe the Plumber.
What's in It for Him: Opportunity to prove he is still alive.

Sarah Palin
What She Brings to the Table: The concession speech she believed she'd get to deliver for McCain.
What's in It for Her: If she can destroy Chambliss's campaign as well, that's one less challenger for 2012.

Mike Huckabee
What He Brings to the Table: The TV star power of Oprah Winfrey, if Oprah were a white, southern ex-governor who built an entire career on weight loss.
What's in It for Him: The chance that someone might let him play "Free Bird" again.

Mitt Romney
What He Brings to the Table: Money. Otherwise he wouldn't be invited.
What's in It for Him: More press footage of himself he can masturbate to.

Rudy Giuliani
What He Brings to the Table: The missing link between Jim Martin and the 9/11 terrorists.
What's in It for Him: Doesn't matter. We already know he's willing to give up his reputation, his career and $59 million for one measly delegate.

And if for some reason the runoff drags all the way out to 2012, Chambliss will have no problem assembling the same cast of characters.  He can just set up a TV camera in Iowa and watch this crowd come racing like flies to a turd.

Let's start with this feedback forum at RebuildTheParty.com. You can type in anything you like; go ahead, try it. For one brief shining moment the Real Americans over at Wonkette held the top of the list with "truck nutz for all," but this morning their suggestion was scrubbed from the site. (Nanny state?)

Anyway, there are still plenty of Rebuild the Party ideas for the GOP to choose from, including "Run inspiring candidates," "Reach out to Ron Paul," "Ignore Ron Paul," "The Constitution is a worthless queermo, maybe get rid of it," "Eat shit and die."

Helpful!

Moving on, here's the RNC's official suggestion box, which they're calling Republican for a Reason.

Among the, um, reasons: "John McCain put me to sleep with his speeches," "Kick Giuliani out of the party," "States will be seceding in response to Obama. Support that and gain strength in the new Conservative Soveriegn [sic] States." There's also at least one call for Elizabeth Hasselbeck to become press secretary in a 2012 Sarah Palin administration.

Here is a suggestion for the GOP: Please, please keep your feedback websites running forever, so that even when the last pillars of our economy collapse and we are left to barter rocks for edible leaves, we will still have something that makes us laugh.