Obviously, this is the biggest scandal ever in the history of these United States of America…

That bit at the end, with Glenn Beck gleefully hurling his own feces at detractors, that seemed unfair.

He'd almost certainly be crying.

And, last night, he and all his supporters — including Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Michelle Malkin — achieved what many thought could not be done: They delivered the NY-23 congressional seat into Democratic hands for the first time in more than a century…

Democrat Bill Owens Tuesday won New York's 23rd Congressional District, parts of which have been in Republican hands since the Civil War.

Conservative Doug Hoffman conceded shortly after midnight. With 88 percent of precincts reporting, Owens led Hoffman by nearly 4,300 votes.

What more proof do you need that the politics of divisiveness really does achieve results?

Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu…

Other prominent Republicans opposing Obama's declaration of emergency include Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, who urged residents of his state to continue not washing their hands, and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday.

I don't think there's anything to add to that. We can probably all just go home now.

See also: U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

Stop the presses (of the Internet)! This piece of incredible news is going on page 1 (of the Internet)…

Limbaugh sounded off Friday on a supposed report that Time magazine reporter Joe Klein had unearthed Obama's college thesis, titled "Aristocracy Reborn," in which he sounded off on the nation's Founding Fathers and the Constitution and the distribution of wealth…

Later in the same program, when Limbaugh learned the report was a hoax, he corrected the record, alerting listeners that the quotes from the thesis had been fabricated. But he insisted the fabricated thesis was still in line with what the president thinks…

Limbaugh said he has license to go with the fabrication because other members of the media have done this to him. "So, I can say, "I don't care if these quotes are made up," he said. "I know Obama thinks it."

Oh my! Somebody fetch me a lemonade, for I am completely scandalized by this shocking turn of events.

I don't think that I'll ever be able to look at that hateful, bloviating serial liar the same way again.

Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from the investors group hoping to buy the St. Louis Rams…

"Rush was to be a limited partner — as such, he would have had no say in the direction of the club or in any decisions regarding personnel or operations," Dave Checketts, the former Madison Square Garden executive who is leading the group that included Limbaugh.

"This was a role he enthusiastically embraced. However, it has become clear that his involvement in our group has become a complication and a distraction to our intentions; endangering our bid to keep the team in St. Louis. As such, we have decided to move forward without him and hope it will eventually lead us to a successful conclusion."

Despite how bad this could have turned out, the good people of America have, I think, been drawn a little closer to one another now.

Now go home and hug your children!

First, it turned out that people have brains capable of recalling the borderline racist things people said a few years ago (or, for that matter, the overtly racist things they said lots and lots of times). And then it became apparent that some football players might maybe not want to work for a racist person that is always going around saying racist things.

Now, the commissioner of the NFL is wondering if maybe he and the other team owners shouldn't maybe just exercise their free market rights to not approve the sale of an NFL team to a racist person who will make the whole league look bad…

"I've said many times before we're all held to a high standard here, and I think divisive comments are not what the NFL is all about," [Roger] Goodell said at an NFL owners' meeting. "I would not want to see those comments coming from people who are in a responsible position in the NFL, absolutely not."…

[A]ny proposed franchise sale would have to be approved by three-quarters of the owners, and Goodell's comments signaled that it perhaps would be unlikely that Limbaugh's bid would be ratified by the other teams.

What about the other team owners? Do they support racism? Turns out a lot of them do not support racism…

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay said he would not vote in favor of approving Limbaugh as an owner.

"I would not be in favor of voting for him," Irsay said. "I could ask Tony Dungy, Jim Caldwell, Dwight Freeney and consult with them, but there have been comments that have been made that have been inappropriate, incendiary and insensitive. It's bigger than football. We have to watch the words that we say…. Sometimes privileges in life do get lost. I would not feel comfortable.

I feel so sad for Rush Limbaugh. Can you imagine the pain of having to deal with circumstances of your own making. In this day and age?!

I just hope this doesn't get him down and that he somehow finds the strength to somehow continue being an unctuous racist hypocrite.

But, just in case you're wondering, he still manages to pack just as much asshole juice into that new frame of his. He's just denser, more tightly packed.

I think maybe he's entering the neutron star phase of his career. Which means eventually he'll expand to such cosmic proportions that his terrible girth will encompass us all.

(via Gotcha Media)

Part 2 after the jump…

It's one of the most important principles on which this great land was founded…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Like, for example, he's been all perplexed recently about how terrible the health insurance system is for so many Americans, so he dug around inside his gigantic brain and he dug around and dug around until he found this nugget of genius: Don't get insurance. Pay the doctors out of your wallet. Brilliant!

"You oughtta try this, folks, just a standard doctor visit, offer to pay for it yourself," said Limbaugh. "I guarantee it'll cost you less than if you use your insurance."

Jeeze! Don't we feel dumb for not coming up with such a simple and cost-effective plan all on our own. But, then, I guess, we never claimed to be as smart as ol' Rush Limbaugh.

Oh, wait. Where do we get the money to put into our wallets to then take it out again to give to the doctors? Oh, boy. That's a conundrum.

I've got it! Let's all just make multi-million dollar media empires based upon incessant lies, hyper-partisan propaganda and complete contempt for own our audiences! Yay! We're all gonna be rich.

That was kind of a terrible analogy. Kind of as terrible as being forced to visualize taking Rush Limbaugh's penis into your hands and gently cutting away the soft, folded mucous membrane that covers the tip of Rush Limbaugh's penis.

Sorry again. (I'm really bad at this.)

Anyway, here's the thing: The CDC (or Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for short) is considering recommending circumcision for male infants as well as adult men as a means of reducing the spread of HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus for short). And you know what that means, right?

Oh, you don't know what that means? Well, I'll bet Ed Morrissey from Hot Air knows what that means…

Why should the CDC push circumcision at all?  The government has no business being in the middle of that decision.  Under ObamaCare, however, when the government starts paying more and more of the health-care tab, they will point to ambiguous cost savings down the road — in this and other cases, decades down the road — to pressure Americans into surrendering their choices now.

That's right. The upper-most point on a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to government-mandated castration!*

And since it's common knowledge that conservative media folk only think in hives, we can pretty much guess that a penis theft panic — such as one one would find in a third-world country — is the new hysterical meme going out across the right-wing talking point wire.

And, if that's the case, it's just a matter of time before…

Rush Limbaugh claimed, "It is President Obama who wants [to] mandate circumcision … And that means, if we need to save our penises from anybody, it's Obama."

Hence the title of this post.

And… scene.

.

_{* Your point is well-taken, Jacob. Consider that joke reworded.}