So, while we're all waiting for everything in the world to get better and political power to be doled out fairly according to those who have earned it, let's watch some Daily Show clips…

September 17, 2009: Voter Fraud in Afghanistan

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

June 15, 2009: Irandecision 2009 – Election Results

November 29, 2004: Anarchy in the Ukraine

October 27, 2004: Election 2004 Fiasco Preview – Fraud

December 9, 2003: Indecision 2003 – Russia Votes

October 15, 2002: Headlines – Iraq the Vote

September 27, 2000: Headlines Block the Vote

For more-entertaining, less-politically-damaging puppets, tune into the new Comedy Central series The Jeff Dunham Show premiering this Thursday, October 22 at 9pm / 8c.

More importantly, why hasn't anyone other than Rep. Shadegg — who spoke yesterday on the House floor — told us about the 'gulag' provisions in the Democrats' health care proposals?

SHADEGG: You know, it occurs to me, and I’ll go through these other scandals very quickly, but what we're really getting here is we're not just getting single-payer care. We’re getting full on Russian gulag, Soviet-style gulag health care [...] It appeared in last Friday's Wall Street Journal. You can Google it. You can pick up the phone and call Kim Strassel. You can ask her about Soviet-style gulag health care in America, where powerful politicians protect their constituents.

(For the uninitiated, Kim Strassel is a WSJ editorial writer who does not care for Democrats, health care reform, treehuggers, crybabies, non-pen-and-ink portraits of herself, etc.)

Fascinating how Rep. Shadegg has access to Google, or has at least heard of it, yet is unable to avail himself of a definition of the word 'gulag.' Maybe we can call Kim Strassel and ask if she has a spare dictionary on her desk?

The new plan that President Obama laid out for a missile shield against Iran on Thursday turns Ronald Reagan's vision of a Star Wars system on its head: Rather than focusing first on protecting the continental United States, it shifts the immediate effort to defending Europe and the Middle East.

Nooo! Not Ronald Reagan's vision of a Star Wars system! That's like snatching food from the hands of a starving orphan and then eating a pizza in front of him, just to spite Mother Teresa's ghost!

There's no time to read about how Obama's plan will replace old technology with new technology and realign defense priorities based on what Iran is actually doing with its short-range missile program. No time for that, we need a delivery of smelling salts to the Weekly Standard…

This is a decision based purely on ideology and the good soldiers on the Joint Chiefs of Staff and and at the Pentagon have no choice but to go along for the ride. At least the president ought to be honest about what this means and stop the smears of missile defense.

Quick poll: Are Barack Obama's smears of our missile defense system motivated by race, yes or no?

FSB sources are reporting to President Medvedev today that American pop icon Michael Jackson was "most assuredly" assassinated by the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) after an examination of data transmitted by a Russian Military's Kosmos 2450 satellite show "conclusively" that immediately prior to the music stars death in Los Angeles an electromagnetic pulse consistent in pattern to EMR weapons looted from the former Soviet Union by the United States was employed at the "exact coordinates" of the rock stars home.

Hmmm… That seems slightly implausible. But I'm going to give these unnamed Russian sources the benefit of the doubt, because I've never been burnt by unnamed Russian sources before.

Obviously, the CIA has, like, a million billion reasons to use top secret stolen Soviet satellite weapons technology to assassinate the guy who sang "Smooth Criminal." The only real problem is narrowing them down to one…

[T]he reason behind the CIA needing to assassinate Michael Jackson, these reports continue, was an out of court settlement the pop icon signed with son of the king of Bahrain, Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa, this past November in London, and which stated, in part, that in exchange for millions of dollars previously lent to Mr. Jackson by the Sheikh, Mr. Jackson would allow his sold-out United Kingdom concerts to be a "platform" for warning the World of a soon to occur mass genocide event.

Both Michael Jackson and Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa have been long standing supporters of the fearless Austrian investigative journalist, Jane Burgermeister, who is warning the world that the greatest crime in the history of humanity is underway…

A soon to occur mass genocide event? The greatest crime in the history of humanity? I've really gotta get some lunch, but, eh… What the hell! I'll keep reading…

"In her charges, Burgermeister presents evidence of acts of bioterrorism that is in violation of U.S. law by a group operating within the U.S. under the direction of international bankers who control the Federal Reserve, as well as WHO, UN and NATO.

"This bioterrorism is for the purpose of carrying out a mass genocide against the U.S. population by use of a genetically engineered flu pandemic virus with the intent of causing death. This group has annexed high government offices in the U.S."

There's a lot more to this huge international conspiracy, but I can't really go into it now.

Because I just got shot by a death ray from outer space and now I'm dead. Sorry.

In an effort to educate our citizens of the dangers of The Big Cold Bear (or whatever they call it), here's ten years worth of The Daily Show reports — seven in all (in honor of how many shots of vodka I can drink before I die) — on Russia…

1. Russo-Georgian Conflict

2. Polonium Dynamite

3. Red Alert

4. Plutonium for Ipod?

5. Missile Congeniality

6. Ranch & Russian

7. Russia on the Rocks

From Russia With Doom: The Soviet Union has developed a Flux Capacitor, and has travelled from the past to the future! Because this past weekend, angry Russia swung it's death dork and warned the world to step off or else! They rolled out troops, tanks, jet planes and had them a good old fashioned Stalin-era strut. Breitbart.com brings the fear.  [breitbart.com]

America Leads World In Plague: According to Yahoo, America is now #1… when it comes to Swine Flu. The US leads in H1N1 flu cases, surpassing pandemic culprit Mexico. We're all going to die. Fill your super-soakers with anti-bacterial hand lotion! Freebase Tamiflu! Set fire to snifflers! [yahoo.com]

They Are Watching You Poop: The FBI says it's new "high-tech tools" are for fighting "crime," reports ABC News. But you know and I know, they just want to get all up in your bidness. Listen into your conversations with mom! Check out what words you're using while playing Scrabble online! They are mouth-breathing and squinting while peeping you on the toilet! [abcnews.com]

In The Near Future, Human Fingernails Will Be The Only Currency: The economy is getting worst, and pretty soon, we'll all be standing in soup lines, and they'll pour scalding hot boot lace broth into  our cupped hands because bowls will be too expensive. MSNBC reports that the US government is borrowing 50 cents for every dollar they are spending to staunch the blood spurting from  the economy's sucking chest wound. [msnbc.com]

Developing…

Huff Po's Alex Leo says that comparing "an historic movement to a normal ice cream pairing is certainly belittling."

Is it? I didn't realize. I suppose I was just happy it wasn't watermelon-flavored ice cream in the shape of a welfare check.

I'll take my small victories where I can find them.

But now, as the American economy does its best imitation of the end times, Russians are starting to wonder if Panarin may be on to something….

"There's a 55-45% chance right now that disintegration will occur," [Panarin] says. "One could rejoice in that process," he adds, poker-faced. "But if we're talking reasonably, it's not the best scenario — for Russia." Though Russia would become more powerful on the global stage, he says, its economy would suffer because it currently depends heavily on the dollar and on trade with the U.S.

Mr. Panarin posits, in brief, that mass immigration, economic decline, and moral degradation will trigger a civil war next fall and the collapse of the dollar. Around the end of June 2010, or early July, he says, the U.S. will break into six pieces — with Alaska reverting to Russian control.

Maybe it's worth it, then, if they take Sarah Palin off our hands.