Can you tell the difference between the Goblin Shark and conservative columnist Robert Novak?

a) Usually found in the deepest depths beneath the Earth's surface, far below where the sun's light can penetrate.

b) Very little is known about its history or reproductive habits.

c) Has GOP-leaning tendencies, though — due to disagreements with mainstream Republicans and neoconservatives on such issues as the war in Iraq — is often considered a libertarian or paleoconservative.

d) Attained the rank of lieutenant in the U.S. Army during the Korean War.

e) Its liver is exceptionally large, sometimes making up nearly 25% of its body weight.

f) Outed Valerie Plame as a CIA agent in a 2003 column, reported the information was provided to him by two "senior administration officials."

g) Hunts by sensing the presence of prey with electro-sensitive organs in its snout.

h) Bears a striking resemblance to a goblin.

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Can you tell the difference between the Wobbegong Shark and Rolling Stone columnist Matt Taibbi?

a) Relies upon stealth and camouflage to attack its prey.

b) Went undercover as an Evangelical Christian and joined a megachurch in Texas "to get a look inside the evangelical mind-set that gave the country eight years of George W. Bush."

c) Once it bites into its prey, it has been known to hang on for long periods of time and can be very difficult to remove.

d) Name is ridiculous.

e) Has small vegetation-like flaps of skin around its mouth.

f) Wrote a column for NY Press in 2005 called "The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope" shortly before Pope John Paul II died.

g) Can be seen with some frequency as a correspondent on HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher.

h) Its flesh is often used in fish and chips, and its skin is sometimes tanned to make leather.

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Can you tell the difference between a Leopard Shark and its parasite the Remora and Fox News' Sean Hannity and his parasite Alan Colmes?

a) Began their professional relationship in October of 1996.

b) Their relationship is one of commensalism, in which one benefits and the other is not significantly harmed or helped.

c) The smaller attaches itself to its host through use of a modified oval sucker-like organ with slat-like structures that open and close to create suction and take a firm hold of larger's skin, and then proceeds to feed from food dropped from the larger's mouth.

d) While the larger is a strong conservative, the smaller — though often considered to be liberal — is really more of a moderate. And a total pussy.

e) The smaller creature is sometimes used by fishermen as a means to catch sea turtles.

f) Due to its small size, the larger of the two is not considered to be a genuine threat to humans.

g) If the smaller is unavailable for whatever reason, it is sometimes replaced by Harold Ford Jr.

h) Bottom feeders.

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Can you tell the difference between the Gray Reef Shark and CNN's gray Anderson Cooper anchor?

a) Tends to be aggressive under baited conditions and will readily enter into an excited mob feeding pattern, though true feeding frenzies are extremely rare.

b) An heir of the influential and wealthy Vanderbilt family.

c) Colored gray overall, with a white underside.

d) Covered both the death of Pope John Paul II and the royal wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles in the same month.

e) Generally social, aggregating in favored areas, often near dropoffs at the edge of a reef or in atoll passes where there is a strong current.

f) Active during the day, but more so at night.

g) Was photographed as a baby by Diane Arbus for Harper's Bazaar.

h) Appeared in this segment on CNN.

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Hey, everybody! It's the most jolliest time of the year! Shark Week on the Discovery Channel! (And no, we're not being sponsored by the Discovery Channel; I'm just an exceptional nerd.)

Back in January, we were all fired up about maybe calling the big primary day Shark Week Tuesday, but then it turned out that if we did that we'd have "legal issues," and we'd all "lose our jobs" and have to go back to "giving handjobs for money," and it was all just too much of a hassle. Who needs it?

But, now that Shark Week is actually upon us (and I have something else to think about besides seeing The Dark Knight for the eighth time), I thought it would be fun to celebrate it on this blog by running a week-long series asking you to see if you can find the difference between two different kinds of shark: the kind that eats surfers and the kind that eats presidential candidates.

Let's kick this off two of the scariest sharks. Which of these attributes belongs to the Bull Shark and which belong to New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd? (No cheating!)

a) Named a Woman of the Year by Glamour magazine in 1996.

b) Is extremely territorial, will attack other animals that enter its territory, and is responsible for more human deaths than any other type.

c) Has written that Al Gore "is so feminized and diversified and ecologically correct that he's practically lactating."

d) Has a diet that includes rays, dolphins, turtles, birds, molluscs, echinoderms, crustaceans, and terrestrial mammals such as rats and dogs, and can reach a weight of up to 700 pounds.

e) Has been accused of inserting ellipses to change a quotation's intended meaning.

f) Is found all over the world in many different areas and has been known to travel long distances.

g) Was awarded a Pulitzer Prize for its series of columns on the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

h) Tends to hunt in a pack.

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