49. Tommy Tiernan on Barack Obama

48. Sidwell Friends Quad

47. The Elitist Menace Among Us

46. Why Carlos Mencia can't vote for Obama

45. Hillary Clinton Supports Barack Obama

44. Obama's Inaugural Speech

43. Obama the Socialist

42. Chocolate News: Obama's policies

41. Summit of All Fears

Go to 40-31
Go to 60-51

Salon's Alex Koppelman does his best to explain why we should be joining them in happily giving those two students the finger as they cry into their little soot-covered hands on their way out the door…

This argument is based on two students. Two. According to a 2007 Government Accountability Office report — which, by the way, tore the program apart — there are roughly 72,000 students in D.C. public schools. By my calculations, that means these vouchers got only .003 percent of the total public school population into Sidwell Friends. Even if you only consider the number of students currently receiving vouchers, generally pegged at about 1,700, the results aren't much better — only .12 percent of students in the program attend Sidwell Friends.

The truth? As the GAO report found, the voucher program wasn't sending the vast majority of kids to the kinds of schools where they can be in class with the children of presidents. "About 88 percent of all scholarship users attended schools with tuitions below the $7,500 cap," the GAO said. "Although tuition rates varied, only 3 percent attended the most expensive schools that charged $20,000 or more."

So, what he's saying, in essence, is that this voucher program never really worked? Or that it only really worked for a very small fraction of the students in D.C? And that the ones that it worked for the most are the ones who probably didn't need it the most?

I still don't get it. All I know is that two poor, innocent, little kids are getting kicked out of school, and I get to feel good about.

That's all I need to know.

Has the rest of the media crossed the line by following the girls so closely?

Sasha and Malia Obama will arrive at their new school today, protected from physical attack by the Secret Service but still being thrust into the global glare accorded to celebrities.

Wow! That brings back memories. Do you remember your first day in a new school? Receiving a brand new shiny security detail so that it was safe to wander around the halls without being thrown into a locker or pushed down a flight of stairs?

Oh, wait. I'm confusing memories with fantasies again. I don't think I ever got that security detail I petitioned for. And then the vice-principal poured chocolate pudding down my pants.

The girls — aged 7 and 10 — who are already being spoken about as role models for a generation of African-American children, will be educated on separate campuses at the private Sidwell Friends School.

Now, that's a memory. The first time I realized that I was going to be an icon for black kids everywhere I went.

No, no, I'm sorry. I'm confusing "icon" with "target." My mistake.

Come to think of it, I do believe I'm confusing "black kids" with "all kids."

Sigh. So many memories.

As you've no doubt heard from People Magazine, the New York Times and the National Intelligence Briefing, Malia and Sasha Obama will soon be attending Sidwell Friends School in Washington, DC.

Well good news for our employers at Comedy Central: It just so happens that we are graduates of the very same school. Finally, your investment in us has paid off!

Below, we've answered some of the most frequently asked questions about Sidwell Friends to provide you an inside perspective on the future lives of our nation's First Kids (and hopefully score a reference in an upcoming Jonas Brothers episode.)

Q: What is the deal with the name Sidwell Friends? It's so gay.

A: The name is actually a religious reference. Sidwell Friends was founded by the group commonly known as Quakers, whose official name is the Religious Society of Friends.

Q: Oh, I know the Quakers! They're the ones who wear old clothing and don't use electricity or zippers and ride around in…

A: No, you're thinking of the Amish.

Q: …a horse and buggy like it's colonial days! And they're all peasants named Methuselah or something Biblical like that and–

A: No, that's definitely the Amish. The Quakers are totally different.

Q: Will Malia and Sasha be the first politician's children to attend Sidwell?

A: Definitely not. Tricia Nixon went there! (Also Chelsea Clinton, Al Gore III, three Biden grandchildren, Teddy Roosevelt's son, the child of basically every elected Democrat in Washington, blah blah blah.)

Q: Were the kids cruel at Sidwell? Did they ever make fun of Chelsea Clinton's appearance during her awkward teenage years?

A: No, they left that to John McCain.

Q: I'm confused. I thought that Barack Obama would never send his kids to a Quaker School, but rather a Secret Muslim Madrassa — perhaps even an al-Qaeda training camp.

A: Sadly, the press scrutiny would be too harsh if he did that. Sasha and Malia will hopefully get plenty of terrorist training, though, because Sidwell's Head of School is retiring, and esteemed educator Bill Ayers is surely on the short list to replace him.

Q: Do the girls have any chance of success with a Sidwell education?

A: Absolutely. They could be news anchors, SNL comedians, wacky TV scientists, CIA directors… The list goes on.

Q: And if they fail?

A: They can become online humor columnists.