Don't worry, everyone. Sarah Palin is going to be the keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors Association of America's Bowl Expo next June.

I know that everybody was afraid that maybe Sarah Palin was not going to be the keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors Association of America's Bowl Expo next June. And I think there were some rumors floating around on the important political/bowling blogs that Sarah Palin was not going to be the keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors Association of America's Bowl Expo next June.

But those rumors have proven to be false. See?

Imagine my surprise when I read that Sarah Palin, the Republican Party's vice-presidential nominee last year, was going to be the keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors Association of America's Bowl Expo next June in Las Vegas.

I know she is a good speaker and she may have more bowling ability than President Obama displayed on the campaign trail last year. And Palin should have first-hand knowledge about bowling, because it's one of the few sports you can compete in year-round in Alaska, and the PBA's senior Player of the Year hails from Alaska, of all places.

Bowling needs all the help it can get from any source.

I'm sure, with Sarah Palin's help, the BPAA will be able to take back the sport from the bowlers who willfully pal around with gutter balls.*

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^{* Yikes! That's the best bowling joke I can come up with? Sadly, I think it is. My brain really isn't very sharp today. I should probably eat more of this arugula salad. Mmmmm… Magnifique! Where is that sparkling water?}

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Update: Mary just provided me with a much better closing joke:

She can see White Russians from her yard.

Where were you when I needed you, Mary? Thanks for nothing!

As a expatriate Philadelphian, I thought I couldn't possibly be any more disgusted after having to endure last night's game (and its aftermath) in the middle of Queens.

I was wrong…

If there's one thing that could bring Keith Olbermann and Sean Hannity together (apart from the occasional CNN-bashing), it's baseball…

Olbermann wrote about the game on his MLBlog, where he said of Hannity, "And lastly, a reminder that baseball does erase boundaries. The guy I'm taking a photo of, who's taking a photo of me – we get along perfectly at the ballpark – less so during our day jobs."

Sean Hannity and Keith Olbermann: big, big Yankees fans. That pretty much says it all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this bowl of sour grapes isn't going to eat itself.

To the gridiron, patriots, and by gridiron I mean Capitol Hill! It is time to tackle the socialist problem of health care reform, and by tackle I mean tackle! Your starting quarterback for this game will be the one and only Michele Bachmann, bantamweight from Minnesota, the woman who kicked off the puck on Fox News the other day with a call for "freedom-loving Americans" to attend her "Super Bowl of Freedom" and help her cry foul in the offices of Congress at noon today. Goooooaaaaaaal!

I have now run out of sports words, so let's go to the quote…

Rep. Michele Bachmann's message for conservatives traveling to Washington to attend her Capitol Hill House Call event Thursday is simple: "Go into the Capitol and find members of Congress," she told activists Wednesday night. "Don't bring your pitchforks, bring your video cameras. And get them on record saying how they're going to vote and why. And tell them, 'Take your hands off my health care!'"

Of course, if you do have a spare pitchfork lying around, couldn't hurt to bring it along. Just in case you happen to catch Nancy Pelosi trying to slam dunk a public option over the last wicket when the umpire isn't looking.

^{p.s.: Everybody, please be nice to Dennis today. Some group called the Yankees did something bad last night — caved to anti-choice Blue Dogs on abortion provisions, maybe? — and I know he's upset.}

Take note, historians: What took George Bush nearly three years to accomplish, Barack Obama handled tidily in less than ten months…

CBS' Mark Knoller — an unofficial documentarian and statistician of all things White House-related — wrote on his Twitter feed [Sunday] that, "Today – Obama ties Pres. Bush in the number of rounds of golf played in office: 24.

Took Bush 2 yrs & 10 months."

And the naysayers said "nay." Nay to those naysayers. (Know what I'm nayin'?)

Anyway, if he caught up to Bush's golf record that fast, just think how fast he'll be able to catch up to his body count.

Who is the dudeliest dudely dude in all of America? Dude, you even gotta ask? It's this dude, Barack Obama. So posits the New York Times, anyway, in a lengthy weekend story that opens with the provocative lede: "Does the White House feel like a frat house?" (Spoiler alert: chug, bro!)

The president, after all, is an unabashed First Guy’s Guy. Since being elected, he has demonstrated an encyclopedic knowledge of college hoops on ESPN, indulged a craving for weekend golf, expressed a preference for adopting a "big rambunctious dog" over a "girlie dog" and hoisted beer in a peacemaking effort.

"First Guy's Guy," what does this even mean? Is the NYT trying to subtext something about Todd Palin? Dunno, bro. What we do know is that there are no girls allowed in the clubhouse when certain things, like the economy and national security, are being discussed. (Well, duh. Girls just shop and release secret cryptographic algorithms all the time.)

More importantly, there are no girls allowed at the golf games Barack Obama plays when he should be working, or playing basketball. Except finally this weekend he let domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes tag along on the links, maybe because as domestic policy adviser she would bring cookies. Wait, no, that's a job for the communications team…

In the same week as [another fucking] basketball game, Anita Dunn, the White House communications director, hosted a group of women reporters for an off-the-record meeting with [senior adviser Valerie] Jarrett over chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies.

And I bet they had a blast, those lady typists, chit-chatting over cookies. It's what they want, right? The White House gals also get to work on health care, and whatever it is Hillary Clinton does, and they throw baby showers for each other. Doesn't mean Barack Obama is, like, afraid of girl cooties…

One Democratic media strategist says that while Mr. Obama does place women in important roles, his comfort level with staff members is not always perceived as equal.

So what? We know separate isn't equal, except for the gays, but the situation here is "non-separate but inequal," which is just what you get for choosing the lifestyle of two X chromosomes, anyway. Besides, Barack Obama is president! We live in post-racial America, and according to everything I've read, sexim is nonexistent even more often than racism is nonexistent, so obviously this is much ado about nothing that exists at all in the first place.

I know everybody, myself included, has been breathlessly watching the news, hoping and/or praying for a non-tragic conclusion to this big, big story. And here it is!

Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from the investors group hoping to buy the St. Louis Rams…

"Rush was to be a limited partner — as such, he would have had no say in the direction of the club or in any decisions regarding personnel or operations," Dave Checketts, the former Madison Square Garden executive who is leading the group that included Limbaugh.

"This was a role he enthusiastically embraced. However, it has become clear that his involvement in our group has become a complication and a distraction to our intentions; endangering our bid to keep the team in St. Louis. As such, we have decided to move forward without him and hope it will eventually lead us to a successful conclusion."

Despite how bad this could have turned out, the good people of America have, I think, been drawn a little closer to one another now.

Now go home and hug your children!