Submitted by chagnasty.

"I'm a strong believer that anybody can look within themselves, find their flaws and fix them," President Obama said.

Bill Clinton, whose experience might be particularly instructive, made a personal call to offer encouragement.

Can't these people leave anything for the rest of us?

Sen. Dikembe Mutombo (R-CO) showed that he is still one of the most dominant big men in Congress Thursday, blocking a record 16 bills in one legislative session.

The 7-foot-2 senator, who broke the record previously held by Sen. Shawn Bradley (D-NJ), Rep. Arvydas Sabonis (D-OR), and current Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), batted away legislation left and right, sometimes swatting bills so hard that they were sent flying all the way back to committee…

"He's like a brick wall out there," a visibly tired and sweaty Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) told reporters. "Sen. Mutombo's arms are so long that if legislation is introduced anywhere in his vicinity, he's probably going to knock it away. There's no way we are going to get health care through with Mutombo out there."

Now, who wants to discretely sex Sen. Mutombo?

See also: Filming of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

June 10 2008: Smokin' Pole – Canada's Hockey Theme

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

November 07 2005: The Word – Hoser

September 26 2007: Canadian Dollar

August 20 2007: Nailed 'em – Northern Border

March 26 2007: Stephen Colbert Day

November 07 2005: Threatdown – Canadian Optometrists

March 09 2006: Canadian Baseball?

January 25 2006: The Word – Remote Control

September 13 2006: The Colmandos

February 04 2010: Tip/Wag – The Beaver

Compiled by Michael Sutton. Thanks be unto him.

The Coca-Cola commercials exhorting the hosts to show everybody how "our game" is played nicely illustrates how much of the 2010 Olympic legacy in Canada is tied to what happens in this one venue…

During the 60 minutes of hockey… the constant, revved-up atmosphere served as the backdrop for a classic contest that lived up to every bit of the anticipation, disregarding the little detail of Canada's losing.

Score this game USA 5, Canada 3, an entire country crushed.

The atmosphere down here beneath the 49th Parallel is just dizzying! People all over America are nodding their heads in approval of this glorious upset as their coworkers inform them that this thing has happened! And in our seventh-most-popular sport (after golf), no less! Finally, Canada has been put in its place by the United States!

Hopefully, this will teach our Canadian Olympic hosts a little lesson in humility.

Sen. Scott Brown (R-Mass.) and his daughter, Ayla, say they're serious about their proposal to play hoops with President Barack Obama at the White House.

And now the father-daughter team is taking it a step further: They'd like the option of opening the game up to the public in order to raise money for Haiti.

"I think it'd be really fun… I was thinking why not charge admission. It'd be a really good game knowing me and my dad — we're very competitive — and give all the proceeds to Haiti," Ayla Brown said Monday in an interview with ABC News.

I think this is a great idea for Brown, but not such a great one for Obama. Scott Brown already effectively unseated Obama from the Oval Office by beating Martha Coakley for a Senate seat in Massachusetts. If he and his daughter beat him on the court as well, I don't see how Obama's would ever be able to come back from that kind of humiliation.

I mean, he'd have to leave Washington in disgrace, take up a drinking habit and spend his days puking up his esophagus in some seedy Illinois motel bathroom, until the day that he falls so deeply into a Wild Turkey-induced stupor that he wakes up on a b-ball court surrounded by a darkened void and finds Ted Kennedy standing at the other end of the court. The deceased statesman from Massachusetts — his voice distant and echoey at first, though increasingly close and warm — would of course challenge the confused and unshaven president to a game of H.O.R.S.E. And, through playing that game, Obama would re-find his political mojo.

Upon waking in his vomit-encrusted motel bathroom, he would immediately pour the dregs of his whiskey bottle down the sink, hop into a Stevie Wonder musical montage and begin training for his return to the Capitol.

Upon returning to the garbage-strewn, dilapidated halls of the White House, he would discover that, in his absence, Dick Cheney and his horde of reanimated Republican corpses had taken over the country.

And that's when it's time to kick some zombie ass!

So, yeah, I'm not really sure that accepting Sen. Brown's challenge is such a wise decision, politically speaking.

Even Joe Biden is caught up in the excitement, having traveled to Vancouver to cheer on Team USA and to continue his quest for gold in the men's cross-country gaffe. His latest routine involves trying to kill two Olympic legends with his motorcade…

The figure skating great Peggy Fleming and the former bobsled champion Vonetta Flowers received minor injuries when a van carrying them in Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident at the Olympics on Sunday. [...]

The accident was a chain reaction. Constable Olivier Lapointe said that incident began when the van plowed into another vehicle preceding it in the motorcade. That vehicle then crashed into a third motorcade vehicle.

The van that started the incident was so badly damaged that it could not be driven away from the accident scene, Const. Lapointe said.

Fleming and Flowers were treated at a local hospital and released, but as you'll recall this is not the first time Biden's motorcade has been involved in an accident. (Memo to the U.S. Speedskating heroes: I don't care if he's the vice president, if he offers you a ride just tell him you'll walk. Or skate.)

Anyway, this whole episode is an outrage. It's one thing for the Democrats to blunder health care reform. It's another thing entirely to blunder health care reform while giving people new pre-existing conditions.

While not all of America can agree on the controversial subject of abortion, I think we can all agree on Doritos. Fat bloggers, fat gamers, fat Dungeons and Dragons nerds; all different factions of American life agree Doritos is the easiest food to eat without moving around too much. And now, finally, we know where Doritos stands on the controversial subject of abortion. Personally, I stand with a woman's right to choose to eat Doritos, but I am sympathetic to right-to-lifers stance that fetuses also love Doritos.

Can I just say UCB Comedy really killed it with this video. Killed it like Obama is killing babies, right guys?! (BOOOO! I don't even like that joke!)

I must be watching cable news…

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Jeeze! What's up with this guy being so evasive?!

Who do you think he's gonna choose for his running mate? I'll bet you it's Bobby Jindal. Well, for the first term, at least. In 2016, I bet you he'll switch things up and go with Bristol Palin. And does anyone know what his plans for his presidential library are?

Just so many questions!

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal is understandably excited, and is apparently even moderately familiar with the rules of play. The rest of Louisiana is understandably less excited about the jinx that Jindal will apparently be carrying in tow…

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has changed his mind. After saying he would not attend the Saints – Vikings NFC Championship game at the Superdome, he now says he will be in that number.

"The governor was not planning to go because he finds it easier to watch the game at home," spokesman Kyle Plotkin said. "But this is such an historic game, the can't miss the opportunity to cheer them on in person… this is over 40 years in the making for the Saints."

While I don't believe in good luck, bad luck or jinxes, and while I'm neither a Saints fan nor a Louisiana resident, I'd like to weigh in and ask the governor to stay home.

Just 'cause I kinda don't like him. And I'm petty.

The Wall Street Journal has the full text of his statement. It is epic.

Four years ago [...] I was the only Senator to even raise serious concerns about you. I opposed you because I knew you would continue the legacy of Alan Greenspan, and I was right. But I did not know how right I would be and could not begin to imagine how wrong you would be in the following four years. [...]

[Y]ou have decided that just about every large bank, investment bank, insurance company, and even some industrial companies are too big to fail. Rather than making management, shareholders, and debt holders feel the consequences of their risk-taking, you bailed them out. In short, you are the definition of moral hazard.

From monetary policy to regulation, consumer protection, transparency, and independence, your time as Fed Chairman has been a failure. [...] Where I come from we punish failure, not reward it. That is certainly the way it was when I played baseball, and the way it is all across America. Judging by the current Treasury Secretary, some may think Washington does reward failure, but that should not be the case. I will do everything I can to stop your nomination and drag out the process as long as possible.

Listen, if anybody knows about failure being punished, it is Jim Bunning.

Being forced into retirement by your own party after being named one of America's five worst senators will do that to a man.

(Seriously though: it's nice that people want to keep Ben on his toes. I just don't understand why it's only the crazy people.)

I know that everybody was afraid that maybe Sarah Palin was not going to be the keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors Association of America's Bowl Expo next June. And I think there were some rumors floating around on the important political/bowling blogs that Sarah Palin was not going to be the keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors Association of America's Bowl Expo next June.

But those rumors have proven to be false. See?

Imagine my surprise when I read that Sarah Palin, the Republican Party's vice-presidential nominee last year, was going to be the keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors Association of America's Bowl Expo next June in Las Vegas.

I know she is a good speaker and she may have more bowling ability than President Obama displayed on the campaign trail last year. And Palin should have first-hand knowledge about bowling, because it's one of the few sports you can compete in year-round in Alaska, and the PBA's senior Player of the Year hails from Alaska, of all places.

Bowling needs all the help it can get from any source.

I'm sure, with Sarah Palin's help, the BPAA will be able to take back the sport from the bowlers who willfully pal around with gutter balls.*

.

^{* Yikes! That's the best bowling joke I can come up with? Sadly, I think it is. My brain really isn't very sharp today. I should probably eat more of this arugula salad. Mmmmm… Magnifique! Where is that sparkling water?}

.

Update: Mary just provided me with a much better closing joke:

She can see White Russians from her yard.

Where were you when I needed you, Mary? Thanks for nothing!

I was wrong…

If there's one thing that could bring Keith Olbermann and Sean Hannity together (apart from the occasional CNN-bashing), it's baseball…

Olbermann wrote about the game on his MLBlog, where he said of Hannity, "And lastly, a reminder that baseball does erase boundaries. The guy I'm taking a photo of, who's taking a photo of me – we get along perfectly at the ballpark – less so during our day jobs."

Sean Hannity and Keith Olbermann: big, big Yankees fans. That pretty much says it all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this bowl of sour grapes isn't going to eat itself.

I have now run out of sports words, so let's go to the quote…

Rep. Michele Bachmann's message for conservatives traveling to Washington to attend her Capitol Hill House Call event Thursday is simple: "Go into the Capitol and find members of Congress," she told activists Wednesday night. "Don't bring your pitchforks, bring your video cameras. And get them on record saying how they're going to vote and why. And tell them, 'Take your hands off my health care!'"

Of course, if you do have a spare pitchfork lying around, couldn't hurt to bring it along. Just in case you happen to catch Nancy Pelosi trying to slam dunk a public option over the last wicket when the umpire isn't looking.

^{p.s.: Everybody, please be nice to Dennis today. Some group called the Yankees did something bad last night — caved to anti-choice Blue Dogs on abortion provisions, maybe? — and I know he's upset.}

CBS' Mark Knoller — an unofficial documentarian and statistician of all things White House-related — wrote on his Twitter feed [Sunday] that, "Today – Obama ties Pres. Bush in the number of rounds of golf played in office: 24.

Took Bush 2 yrs & 10 months."

And the naysayers said "nay." Nay to those naysayers. (Know what I'm nayin'?)

Anyway, if he caught up to Bush's golf record that fast, just think how fast he'll be able to catch up to his body count.

The president, after all, is an unabashed First Guy’s Guy. Since being elected, he has demonstrated an encyclopedic knowledge of college hoops on ESPN, indulged a craving for weekend golf, expressed a preference for adopting a "big rambunctious dog" over a "girlie dog" and hoisted beer in a peacemaking effort.

"First Guy's Guy," what does this even mean? Is the NYT trying to subtext something about Todd Palin? Dunno, bro. What we do know is that there are no girls allowed in the clubhouse when certain things, like the economy and national security, are being discussed. (Well, duh. Girls just shop and release secret cryptographic algorithms all the time.)

More importantly, there are no girls allowed at the golf games Barack Obama plays when he should be working, or playing basketball. Except finally this weekend he let domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes tag along on the links, maybe because as domestic policy adviser she would bring cookies. Wait, no, that's a job for the communications team…

In the same week as [another fucking] basketball game, Anita Dunn, the White House communications director, hosted a group of women reporters for an off-the-record meeting with [senior adviser Valerie] Jarrett over chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies.

And I bet they had a blast, those lady typists, chit-chatting over cookies. It's what they want, right? The White House gals also get to work on health care, and whatever it is Hillary Clinton does, and they throw baby showers for each other. Doesn't mean Barack Obama is, like, afraid of girl cooties…

One Democratic media strategist says that while Mr. Obama does place women in important roles, his comfort level with staff members is not always perceived as equal.

So what? We know separate isn't equal, except for the gays, but the situation here is "non-separate but inequal," which is just what you get for choosing the lifestyle of two X chromosomes, anyway. Besides, Barack Obama is president! We live in post-racial America, and according to everything I've read, sexim is nonexistent even more often than racism is nonexistent, so obviously this is much ado about nothing that exists at all in the first place.

Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from the investors group hoping to buy the St. Louis Rams…

"Rush was to be a limited partner — as such, he would have had no say in the direction of the club or in any decisions regarding personnel or operations," Dave Checketts, the former Madison Square Garden executive who is leading the group that included Limbaugh.

"This was a role he enthusiastically embraced. However, it has become clear that his involvement in our group has become a complication and a distraction to our intentions; endangering our bid to keep the team in St. Louis. As such, we have decided to move forward without him and hope it will eventually lead us to a successful conclusion."

Despite how bad this could have turned out, the good people of America have, I think, been drawn a little closer to one another now.

Now go home and hug your children!

First, it turned out that people have brains capable of recalling the borderline racist things people said a few years ago (or, for that matter, the overtly racist things they said lots and lots of times). And then it became apparent that some football players might maybe not want to work for a racist person that is always going around saying racist things.

Now, the commissioner of the NFL is wondering if maybe he and the other team owners shouldn't maybe just exercise their free market rights to not approve the sale of an NFL team to a racist person who will make the whole league look bad…

"I've said many times before we're all held to a high standard here, and I think divisive comments are not what the NFL is all about," [Roger] Goodell said at an NFL owners' meeting. "I would not want to see those comments coming from people who are in a responsible position in the NFL, absolutely not."…

[A]ny proposed franchise sale would have to be approved by three-quarters of the owners, and Goodell's comments signaled that it perhaps would be unlikely that Limbaugh's bid would be ratified by the other teams.

What about the other team owners? Do they support racism? Turns out a lot of them do not support racism…

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay said he would not vote in favor of approving Limbaugh as an owner.

"I would not be in favor of voting for him," Irsay said. "I could ask Tony Dungy, Jim Caldwell, Dwight Freeney and consult with them, but there have been comments that have been made that have been inappropriate, incendiary and insensitive. It's bigger than football. We have to watch the words that we say…. Sometimes privileges in life do get lost. I would not feel comfortable.

I feel so sad for Rush Limbaugh. Can you imagine the pain of having to deal with circumstances of your own making. In this day and age?!

I just hope this doesn't get him down and that he somehow finds the strength to somehow continue being an unctuous racist hypocrite.