That's the tale of Gabriel Nathan Schwartz at Republican National Convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul. One minute, the Colorado delegate is bellowing for permanent war. The next, he's drugged in a hotel room minus $120,000 worth of cash and bling.

Here's how Schwartz spent the day of September 3rd…

* Appears in a mid-afternoon interview with LinkTV.org. In it, he announces he's voting for McCain in hopes of "less taxes and more war." Smiling, he repeats "more war" for added emphasis.

* Asked what he would do if he were commander in chief, he replies he would start a war with Iran and "bomb the hell of them from the sky," adding that they could also be defeated "with a slingshot."

* Shares his financing plan for this Iran war: "We should plant a flag. Take the oil, take the money. We deserve reimbursement."

* Sends his message to those protesting the convention: "Get a job."

* At this point, the American Douchebag Guild interrupts the interview to declare they have renounced Schwartz.

And then later that night…

* Schwartz checks into the Hotel Ivy, a $319 dollar per night hotel several miles from where the rest of the Colorado delegation is staying.

* He picks up a single woman in the hotel's bar and invites her to his room for sex.

* The woman fixes Schwartz a drink and tells him to undress.

* Hours later, Schwartz awakens in a haze. The woman has stolen his wallet, a $30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a $5,000 necklace, $4,000 earrings and a $1,000 Prada belt.

* The American Douchebag Guild reappears to laugh so hard they wet their pants.

The passage of time, a presidential campaign, and the perennially unfolding Lindsay Lohan saga should have made this scandal disappear long ago. But Craig's shame is still making headlines, thanks to the efforts of one very powerful individual…

Larry Craig…

Lawyers for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho asked a Minnesota Court on Wednesday to void the guilty plea he made following his arrest last year in a men's toilet sex-sting operation…

Craig was arrested at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on June 11, 2007, after an undercover police officer said the lawmaker kept looking through a crack in the door, sat down in a stall next to him and used hand and foot signals to indicate he was soliciting sex.

Why is Craig still dragging this out in court?  His Senate career in its final months and it's not like there's a lawmaking "seniors tour" he could be banned from. If anything, he should take a page from fellow celebrity convict O.J. "If I Did It" Simpson and write a book where he explains what it might be like if he actually was scoring anonymous toilet sex with business travelers.

It could be like a Penthouse Forum for closeted gay federal lawmakers.

Don't laugh. According to former Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-AZ), that's a bigger demographic than you think.

The DS correspondents bring it hard core to the DNC and show why they're The Best Fucking News Team Ever.

John, Jason, Aasif and Rob report live from Larry Craig's infamous bathroom/sexatorium in Minneapolis.

Jon chooses the media analysis of Wyatt Cenac over Samantha Bee's, even though she's "Still the One."

But, here's a little moment you might have missed. It seems to be some kind of glitch with the video projection behind McCain's head. I myself didn't catch it the first time around (although, I will admit that I was drifting in and out of sleep).

Pay very close attention to the screen at about 11 seconds in…

Funny. I feel like I should have noticed a thing like that.

I feel neutered, somehow…

However, I will say that Triumph's political analysis was appropriately sober and thoughtful.

Well, for the circumstances.

(via Videogum)

Specifically, the Heart women are upset that the GOP has used their classic "Barracuda" as a theme song for Sarah Palin. TMZ obtained a statement from Heart's rep, who says "The Republican campaign did not ask for permission to use the song, nor would they have been granted that permission."

The statement goes on: "We have asked the Republican campaign publicly not to use our music. We hope our wishes will be honored."

Let's assume, for the moment, that the Republicans will obey Heart's cease-and-desist order. That means Sarah Palin is going to need new entrance music for the next two months! Here are a few of our suggestions; add your own in the comments.

"Janie's Got a Gun" – Aerosmith
"Shooting Dirty Pool" – the Replacements
"It's All Wrong, But It's All Right" – Dolly Parton
"Dragon Lady" – the Germs
"Let it Snow" – the Jessica Simpson version, not the Frank Sinatra version (obviously)
"Happiness is a Warm Gun" – the Beatles
"Dirty Little Secret" – All American Rejects

John McCain's Acceptance Speech
September 4, 2008

To be fair, I do realize that the ability to speak well does not a qualified president make.

Presidents should be judged on whether or not people hate them in Germany.

Okay, once we all stopped laughing at the lime green background he's so fond of, we realized that it was just a very-well-planned-out close-up image of grass in front of what we could only assume to be one of his 22 unknown homes.

Well, that's not what it was. It was an image of Walter Reed Middle School in North Hollywood, California.

Why would he be standing in front of a picture of Walter Reed Middle School? It's possible that that's one of the twenty different schools he attended while following his father around from military base to military base, but that seems unlikely.

So, why choose that school?

Well, because Walter Reed Middle School sounds an awful lot like Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

And somebody's not very well-versed with the Googles.

(photo and revelation via Talking Points Memo)

These are just a fraction of the photos we walked away with. More later. Uploading is a bitch.

Oh My God! This post is gonna be frickin' hilarious!

Update: Just emerged from our John McCain snoozefest bubble and realized that it looks like we left the scene just before a bunch of shit did go down. Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Thanks to everyone in the comments for pointing out just how much we suck.

p.s. We suck.