The Daily Show returned from hiatus last night, just in time to goof on the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (NAMBLA). This year's conference was quite a doozy too. With the midterms on the horizon and an opportunity to regain ground in Congress within their grasp, the conservatives sought to show the country that they can be a youthful movement and still hate dirty fucking hippies, which they exemplified perfectly by handing a straw-poll victory to a pro-pot septuagenarian.

CPAC coverage continues below as Jon discusses Glenn Beck's anti-progressivism tirade and Samantha Bee reports from an alternate America where progressivism never existed.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

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Yo yo yo yo yo yo! What up? It's the most dopest time of year, bros and ladies, it's CPAC time! And this year the right-wing party will be extra righteous, on account of the rockin' new XPAC Lounge, the place where all the hip young conservatives are gonna be chillaxing and maxing. To the max.

Check it: I was able to get inside and take a look, so c'mon, let me show you around. My name's Dave, by the way, but you can call me D-awg. I'm a twentysomething male who enjoys blogging, Twittering, interacting with my peers on Facebook, buying products endorsed by professional skateboarders and fighting for fiscal conservatism. Tubular!

Okay, so, the first rule of XPAC Lounge is… you don't talk about XPAC Lounge. Just kidding, broheim! Chuck Klosterman is the bomb, am I right? Anywho, here at the XPAC Lounge we got everything a young person needs to be satisfied: video games, pizza and Brit Hume. Hootie hooooo!

But wait, there's more! Dig the XPAC Lounge event schedule — see what's going down Friday from 11pm to 1am? "Late night" "comedy." Yeah, in quotes to show we mean business. Booyah! You thought the liberals had a monopoly on edgy zingers? You thought wrong. Go ahead and tell that Jon Stewart guy over at MTV that he's got some competition!

I'm saving the best for last, obvs-iously. Stephen Baldwin. Bam. Need I say more? He's just one of the celebs joining us for "Epic Nites" at XPAC — and if you're not there for "10 Questions with Stevie B," well, you snooze, you're p0wn3d!!

Yo, hey, this has been realer than real, but I gotta jet like Air Force One, or as I like to call it, the Sarahmobile. Hey, a guy can dream, am I right? Yo yo! D-awg out, for America!

Oh boy, oh boy, the annual Values Voter Summit starts today, and as usual it is a veritable smorgasbord of right-wing catnip. (It is also, according to the site's own header, the "Value Voters Summit," so I assume there are separate events for anyone who's interested in saving $$$ at Costco?)

If you can't make it to D.C. to rub elbows with the heavyweights of the conservative movement — Mike Huckabee, Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin (above, with his running mate) — have a taste of what you're missing…

* "Thugocracy: Fighting the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy"

* "Defunding Planned Parenthood"

* "Speechless: Silencing the Christians"

* "Obamacare: Rationing Your Life Away"

Yeah, those all sound pretty good. That schedule's nice and values-y. But where's the workshop for those of us who believe that global warming is nothing but a hoax perpetrated by evildoers whose only goal is to murder everyone on the planet?

* "Global Warming Hysteria: The New Face of the 'Pro-Death' Agenda"

Ahh, there it is. Phew.

I was getting worried for a minute there.

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

What Are They Doing Now? Most Americans, following their release from jail, will spend days or even weeks acclimating to society and reuniting with family before announcing their bid for U.S. President. But not Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), who spent the night of December 8, 2006 in the notorious Angola, Louisiana prison, while simultaneously announcing his White House run on his web site!

Disturbed that his neighbors in prison did not include any abortion doctors or Darwinists, Brownback made social conservatism the hallmark of his campaign. His platform promised the repeal of Roe v. Wade, the teaching of intelligent design, and free pizza for all Americans courtesy of his key backer and Domino's founder Tom Monaghan!

Jail time aside, Brownback had a typical Washington biography. He snoozed his way through judicial confirmation hearings, accepted big bucks from Jack Abramoff, and joined an Opus Dei church after reading The Da Vinci Code. But Brownback distinguished himself in the presidential race with his willingness to spend an almost masochistic amount of time in Iowa, surviving on foraged corn and addressing rallies consisting entirely of livestock.

Pundits expected favorable results for Brownback in Iowa's famed Ames Straw Poll, citing the state's large evangelical population and the Senator's recent endorsement from a mid-tier Baldwin Brother. But Brownback finished a disappointing third, likely due to the fact that his self-declared "one constituent," God, did not attend the straw poll, citing a prior commitment to appear in an Ohio man's pancake. To make matters worse, Brownback's second-favorite constituent, Terri Schiavo, also missed the vote.

So with a heavy heart and an empty wallet, Brownback left the race on October 18, 2007, citing the need to spend more time with the unborn. His name has recently resurfaced as a potential Vice Presidential pick, but John McCain will need to look elsewhere, because Brownback was recently Raptured.