When the Internet is a series of tubes, you can escape from prison through the Internet. Thankfully, Ted Stevens will never have to crawl through a three mile river of digital shit.

Earlier this week, Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the legally-beset former Alaska senator Ted Stevens would most likely have all charges against him dropped due to "prosecutorial misconduct." (Please bear in mind that "prosecutorial misconduct" is not defined as "because he's innocent.")

Good for him; he successfully cheated justice. Now he won't have to spend his golden years getting raped in the shower by younger, meaner jailed city councilmen and state delegates.

So what do you think the Alaskan GOP's reaction to news is?

Don't even bother guessing, because you probably don't have enough idiot cells in your brain to predict this reaction…

Gov. Sarah Palin and the head of the Alaska Republican Party said Thursday that Sen. Mark Begich should give his Senate seat up to a special election now that prosecutors have abandoned their case against Ted Stevens. "Alaskans deserve to have a fair election not tainted by some announcement that one of the candidates was convicted fairly of seven felonies, when in fact it wasn't a fair conviction," Palin said in a Thursday interview with the Daily News…

The chairman of the state Republican Party, Randy Ruedrich, said that the only reason Begich won his race was because "a few thousand Alaskans thought that Senator Stevens was guilty of seven felonies."

He added that he thought Begich should step down "so Alaskans may have the chance to vote for a senator without the improper influence of the corrupt Department of Justice."

Your takeaway message: Never underestimate politicians' ability to warp reality and logic to their own ends. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

The other half is having your sense of shame surgically removed and buried in a ditch by the side of the road.

The Republican Party is reeling, but they've regrouped somewhat since the election, buoyed by the powerful strategy of projecting everything that went wrong onto Sarah Palin. Because clearly this election was lost by expensive clothing, a pregnant teenager, and a lousy interview with Katie Couric, right?

Wrong! It was also lost by total dickery, as evidenced by right-wing demagogue Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC).

DeMint — who never met a Senate rule he didn't exploit, or a single mother he didn't try to ban from the teaching profession — has gotten so tiresome that even his fellow Republicans want nothing to do with him…

In the wake of this month’s electoral defeats, Sen. Jim DeMint (S.C.)… immediately sought a series of changes to how Senate Republicans operate, called for a return to strict conservative values and began issuing not-so-veiled threats to fellow Senators who didn’t join his crusade.

But instead of igniting a conservative revolution, DeMint has suddenly found himself on the outside looking in — following what GOP sources said was an angry rebuke of his reform demands from party elders during Tuesday’s closed-door Conference meeting.

DeMint has tried the patience of colleagues with his moral grandstanding and manipulation of Senate rules to hold up legislation. He also has brushed shoulders with party stalwarts like Thad Cochran (R-MS) and the erstwhile Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK), who see the Senate primarily as a vehicle for pork projects, while DeMint feels it would be better used as a pulpit to bash gays.

So let it be known from here on forward that Sarah Palin may be a drag on the GOP, but no more so than Jim DeMint.

I mean did you really think DeMint would let Palin get all the glory after her Couric interview directly plagiarized from his own Miss South Carolina?

…but I didn't expect the Senate floor to erupt into applause at the completion of his final speech.

That's not cool, United States Senate.

Not cool at all.

Update: In retrospect, I suppose Stevens was treated better than President Bush was at G20.

Lost in the frenzy of news coming out of Alaska — namely that Ted Stevens lost and Sarah Palin is getting a better agent than Joe the Plumber– was the confirmation that the state's lone Congressman, Don Young (R), will be back for a 19th term…

The winner of the race for Alaska's sole House seat wasn't really in doubt after Election Day, when longtime incumbent Rep. Don Young led Democratic challenger Ethan Berkowitz by more than 16,000 votes.

It still took Berkowitz until Tuesday afternoon, with the counting of nearly all the outstanding ballots, to concede defeat to Republican Young…

Pollsters had counted Young out but they were wrong.

Wonder why those pollsters were so down on Don Young?

Could it have anything to do with the fact that…

* He's raised/spent over $1 million in legal fees amid charges that he's tied up with the same oil company that Ted Stevens has been feloniously porking.

* He used his jurisdiction as Alaska Congressman to steer $10 million to a fundraiser's construction project in Florida.

* If he were any more tied to Jack Abramoff, he'd own an Indian casino.

* Even the Club for Growth campaigned against him.

* He swung a walrus penis bone at the former U.S. Fish and Wildlife director.

* His wife is a tyrannical, computer-hating, pumpkin seed-devouring bitch.

The list goes on, but I should probably let the FBI conclude their investigation against Young before commenting any further.

Needless to say, if the G-Men decide to proceed with an arrest, they won't have a hard time finding Young.

Whether they come searching tomorrow, next year or in 2022, he'll be in his Capitol Hill office — right where the people of Alaska want him.

Sarah Palin was repeatedly asked in recent weeks if she'd consider running for an office beyond that of Alaska Governor. And much like Barack Obama on the topic of abortion, she deflected the question to God.

As Palin famously told Greta Van Susteren…

"Putting my life in my creator's hands — this is what I always do. I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.

"Show me where the open door is. Even if it's cracked up a little bit, maybe I'll plow right on through that and maybe prematurely plow through it, but don't let me miss an open door."

Well when it comes to Ted Stevens' Senate seat, consider the door slammed, because Stevens lost yesterday, thus precluding a special election that could have featured Palin.

God's message to Palin: Get back to work. Run your state, keep an eye on Putin, and set your sights on 2012 when, as we all know, the prestigious State House District 9 seat will be up for grabs.

And thank Me for not giving you a shot at the U.S. Senate. Because while I, God, wouldn't slam any doors in your face on Capitol Hill, a justifiably bitter John McCain certainly would.