Good for him; he successfully cheated justice. Now he won't have to spend his golden years getting raped in the shower by younger, meaner jailed city councilmen and state delegates.

So what do you think the Alaskan GOP's reaction to news is?

Don't even bother guessing, because you probably don't have enough idiot cells in your brain to predict this reaction…

Gov. Sarah Palin and the head of the Alaska Republican Party said Thursday that Sen. Mark Begich should give his Senate seat up to a special election now that prosecutors have abandoned their case against Ted Stevens. "Alaskans deserve to have a fair election not tainted by some announcement that one of the candidates was convicted fairly of seven felonies, when in fact it wasn't a fair conviction," Palin said in a Thursday interview with the Daily News…

The chairman of the state Republican Party, Randy Ruedrich, said that the only reason Begich won his race was because "a few thousand Alaskans thought that Senator Stevens was guilty of seven felonies."

He added that he thought Begich should step down "so Alaskans may have the chance to vote for a senator without the improper influence of the corrupt Department of Justice."

Your takeaway message: Never underestimate politicians' ability to warp reality and logic to their own ends. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

The other half is having your sense of shame surgically removed and buried in a ditch by the side of the road.

Wrong! It was also lost by total dickery, as evidenced by right-wing demagogue Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC).

DeMint — who never met a Senate rule he didn't exploit, or a single mother he didn't try to ban from the teaching profession — has gotten so tiresome that even his fellow Republicans want nothing to do with him…

In the wake of this month’s electoral defeats, Sen. Jim DeMint (S.C.)… immediately sought a series of changes to how Senate Republicans operate, called for a return to strict conservative values and began issuing not-so-veiled threats to fellow Senators who didn’t join his crusade.

But instead of igniting a conservative revolution, DeMint has suddenly found himself on the outside looking in — following what GOP sources said was an angry rebuke of his reform demands from party elders during Tuesday’s closed-door Conference meeting.

DeMint has tried the patience of colleagues with his moral grandstanding and manipulation of Senate rules to hold up legislation. He also has brushed shoulders with party stalwarts like Thad Cochran (R-MS) and the erstwhile Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK), who see the Senate primarily as a vehicle for pork projects, while DeMint feels it would be better used as a pulpit to bash gays.

So let it be known from here on forward that Sarah Palin may be a drag on the GOP, but no more so than Jim DeMint.

I mean did you really think DeMint would let Palin get all the glory after her Couric interview directly plagiarized from his own Miss South Carolina?

That's not cool, United States Senate.

Not cool at all.

Update: In retrospect, I suppose Stevens was treated better than President Bush was at G20.

The winner of the race for Alaska's sole House seat wasn't really in doubt after Election Day, when longtime incumbent Rep. Don Young led Democratic challenger Ethan Berkowitz by more than 16,000 votes.

It still took Berkowitz until Tuesday afternoon, with the counting of nearly all the outstanding ballots, to concede defeat to Republican Young…

Pollsters had counted Young out but they were wrong.

Wonder why those pollsters were so down on Don Young?

Could it have anything to do with the fact that…

* He's raised/spent over $1 million in legal fees amid charges that he's tied up with the same oil company that Ted Stevens has been feloniously porking.

* He used his jurisdiction as Alaska Congressman to steer $10 million to a fundraiser's construction project in Florida.

* If he were any more tied to Jack Abramoff, he'd own an Indian casino.

* Even the Club for Growth campaigned against him.

* He swung a walrus penis bone at the former U.S. Fish and Wildlife director.

* His wife is a tyrannical, computer-hating, pumpkin seed-devouring bitch.

The list goes on, but I should probably let the FBI conclude their investigation against Young before commenting any further.

Needless to say, if the G-Men decide to proceed with an arrest, they won't have a hard time finding Young.

Whether they come searching tomorrow, next year or in 2022, he'll be in his Capitol Hill office — right where the people of Alaska want him.

As Palin famously told Greta Van Susteren…

"Putting my life in my creator's hands — this is what I always do. I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.

"Show me where the open door is. Even if it's cracked up a little bit, maybe I'll plow right on through that and maybe prematurely plow through it, but don't let me miss an open door."

Well when it comes to Ted Stevens' Senate seat, consider the door slammed, because Stevens lost yesterday, thus precluding a special election that could have featured Palin.

God's message to Palin: Get back to work. Run your state, keep an eye on Putin, and set your sights on 2012 when, as we all know, the prestigious State House District 9 seat will be up for grabs.

And thank Me for not giving you a shot at the U.S. Senate. Because while I, God, wouldn't slam any doors in your face on Capitol Hill, a justifiably bitter John McCain certainly would.

With an estimated 2,500 votes still outstanding and other election certification steps still to take place, Mark Begich, the Democratic mayor of Anchorage, had taken a lead of 3,724 votes out of more than 315,000 cast, and he declared victory.

Yeah, but, I guess Stevens could conceivably still pull this one out if he can somehow manage to get 149 percent of the remaining 2,500 uncounted votes. I think he can do it!

This must be a very proud day for Mark Begich. Can you imagine what an honor it is to beat a man convicted of seven felony charges by a couple thousand votes?!

"I am humbled and honored to serve Alaska in the United States Senate,” Mr. Begich said. “It's been an incredible journey getting to this point, and I appreciate the support and commitment of the thousands of Alaskans who have brought us to this day. I can't wait to get to work fighting for Alaskan families.”

Mr. Stevens did not immediately concede the race. He could request a recount, but he would have to pay for it if the current vote margins hold.

You know what, though. Having lost the longest held senate seat in U.S. History and facing possible — but unlikely (pardon, anyone?) — jail time, there is something positive for Stevens to grasp hold of.

Today's his birthday!

The defeat came on Mr. Stevens's 85th birthday, at the end of a day in which he avoided expulsion from the ranks of Senate Republicans as his colleagues awaited the final results.

Happy Birthday, former Senator Stevens.

6:30: Rise at the crack of dawn.

7:30-8:00: Fall further behind in Senate race against Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich.

9:30: Get expelled from Senate Republican Caucus.

10:30-11:00: Surf the series of tubes.

The first two are no surprise. Stevens spends nearly every day fending off attacks from angry interest groups like the Democratic Party and the Sun.

It's Stevens' 9:30 appointment that's so troubling, because this time it's his own party that's after him…

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) has been very public about his proposal to ask Senate Republicans, at a 9:30 meeting Tuesday morning, to formally vote on expelling Stevens from the Republican Conference, which would strip Stevens of all his committee seats, take away his seniority and essentially leave him without a party. Stevens would still be a senator, of course, but this conference expulsion would send a strong signal that expulsion from the Senate itself is a likely next step.

The good news for Stevens is that Senators' votes are a lot like juries' verdicts: They don't count the first time, at least not in the case of Stevens.

But what does it say when the party of Bob Ney, "Duke" Cunningham, Tom DeLay, Jim Gibbons, Vito Fossella and yes, Jack Abramoff believes that you're too corrupt to remain a member?

The only thing that could make this worse for Stevens would be John McCain chiming in that he's also too old.

And if there's one thing that old men don't understand, it's the Internet.  Just ask soon-to-be-ex-Senator Ted Stevens.  He's counting on that "series of tubes" to lead to a tunnel out of the federal prison he's headed to!

Anyway, McCain's complete lack of understanding about the Internet led him to vastly deprioritize spending his campaign funds there.  In the end, it turns out that he spent less than 1/5 of what the Obama campaign did online…

As John McCain's interactive campaign is called disorganized and disconnected by some Monday morning quarterbacks, one thing's for sure. The Republican hopeful's Web team spent far less on online advertising than the Obama camp.

The McCain campaign spent just over $1.5 million on Web media, according to data representing campaign 2008 expenditures into September. Obama's campaign spent around $8 million in '08 as of October.

Well, I guess that might have some correlation with the fact that McCain won a miserable 32% of the youth vote in the election.

But really, this second-guessing is unfair.  In actuality, McCain spent his campaign funds on plenty of cutting-edge media besides the Internet, such as: AM radio, sandwich boards, and those planes that trail banners behind them.

* Last African-American in the Senate forced to give up seat. Way to go, America.

* At this very moment, Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden is almost certainly being hunted for sport.

* Barack Obama to be interviewed by CBS this weekend. Finally! We'll get to hear this guy speak. I hope they ask him about Africa.

* Rahm Emanuel is sorry that his father is a racist.

* Joe the Plumber unveils most patriotic, least useful website in America.

* Ted Stevens almost certain to lose Senate seat… For real, this time.