And The Karl Rove Award for Most Speedy and Shameless Use of a National Tragedy for Personal Political Gain goes to…

Lt. Col. Allen West (Ret), who is running for Congress in Florida's 22nd District, released a statement on Friday morning that heavily insinuated that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan — the soldier responsible for the Fort Hood killings — was a Muslim extremist.

"This enemy preys on downtrodden soldiers and teaches them extremism will lift them up," West said, in a statement titled "Terrorists Are Infiltrating Military". "Our soldiers are being brainwashed."…

In releasing his statement, West appears to be the first politician to claim a link between Malik Hasan's shooting rampage and Islamic extremism or terrorism. Reports on the incident aren't 100 percent clear. But they generally suggest that Malik Hasan was acting out of intense stress over a pending deployment to Iraq. That said, authorities have not ruled out that Hasan was acting on the behest of an unidentified radical group. Hasan was a lifelong Muslim who worked at a psychiatric hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.

Please bear in mind that Col. West managed to win this award without the use of nearly any pertinent information or time for serious analysis.

So, you've got less than $20 in your budget, but really really need to get a former President of the United States to give a motivational speech to every single person that you work with. You're probably screwed, right? Because that's how things usually work in real life, right? Right?

Actually, maybe not. I have a feeling something can be arranged…

I know. I know! Those 1,900 pennies are only going to get you George W. Bush standing in front of all your co-workers? Really? Is that the best offer we can come up with?

Not in America, it's not!

Besides [Terry] Bradshaw ("legendary NFL Hall of Fame quarterback), [Zig] Ziglar ("America's #1 motivator") and [Rudy] Giuliani ("America's mayor"), Bush will appear at the Fort Worth event with Colin Powell ("legendary soldier-statesman"), Robert Schuller ("America's best inspirational speaker"), Rick Belluzzo ("legendary president of Microsoft") and Tamara Lowe ("top sales expert and author of Get Motivated!").

Nia Vardalos ("star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and My Life in Ruins") apparently had conflicts that day. Maybe next year.

This moment in teabag-mentality is brought to you by Brawndo. Brawndo! It's got the critical thinking skills plants crave!

Protesters who attended Saturday's Tea Party rally in Washington found a new reason to be upset: Apparently they are unhappy with the level of service provided by the subway system.

Rep. Kevin Brady asked for an explanation of why the government-run subway system didn't, in his view, adequately prepare for this past weekend's rally to protest government spending and government services.

Seriously.

The Texas Republican on Wednesday released a letter he sent to Washington's Metro system complaining that the taxpayer-funded subway system was unable to properly transport protesters to the rally to protest government spending and expansion.

We now return you to your regularly depressing outlook on society.

(via Balloon Juice)

* Vanity Fair gives it up for the pimpest evil dictator of all time.

* Joe the Plumber on the patriotic virtues of beating up an old lady. That is one classy faux-plumber.

* Evil cartoon characters Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh to be animated.

* Texas schools to start teaching the Bible as part of curriculum in last ditch effort wrest idiocy title from Oklahoma.

* Have you googled "Santorum" recently?

* This is the way real men resolve their conflicts: over beers, in full suit and ties, on patio furniture.

* Hey, look! The Obama administration loves gay people!

* Oh, wait. Nevermind.

* The Senate just got a little more sausage party-er.

* America: Sarah Palin would make a great president… of doing the laundry.

With all the grim unemployment data that's been floating around, you've probably been asking yourself one question: "How is former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales holding up in this recession?" Remember, he'd been having a dickens of a time finding a new job, for some reason, after getting downsized, for some reason, from his last one.

Well, good news! Ex-AG A.G. has got himself a new gig, at Texas Tech University…

Gonzales will work to recruit minority students for the Lubbock-based college's diversity office and teach a junior-level political science seminar on "Contemporary Issues in the Executive Branch," according to a statement from Texas Tech.

"I am excited that Alberto Gonzales is bringing his experience to Texas Tech," Kent Hance, Texas Tech's chancellor, said in the statement. "His own upbringing in Houston as part of a migrant family with eight children makes him qualified to tell underrepresented Texas students that college is possible."

And, of course, he'll relate especially well to the underrepresented Texas students who dream of growing up to erode privacy, stifle free speech, expand the limits of executive privilege and trample the Geneva Convention.

At least let's hope they're underrepresented.