Lt. Col. Allen West (Ret), who is running for Congress in Florida's 22nd District, released a statement on Friday morning that heavily insinuated that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan — the soldier responsible for the Fort Hood killings — was a Muslim extremist.

"This enemy preys on downtrodden soldiers and teaches them extremism will lift them up," West said, in a statement titled "Terrorists Are Infiltrating Military". "Our soldiers are being brainwashed."…

In releasing his statement, West appears to be the first politician to claim a link between Malik Hasan's shooting rampage and Islamic extremism or terrorism. Reports on the incident aren't 100 percent clear. But they generally suggest that Malik Hasan was acting out of intense stress over a pending deployment to Iraq. That said, authorities have not ruled out that Hasan was acting on the behest of an unidentified radical group. Hasan was a lifelong Muslim who worked at a psychiatric hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.

Please bear in mind that Col. West managed to win this award without the use of nearly any pertinent information or time for serious analysis.

Actually, maybe not. I have a feeling something can be arranged…

I know. I know! Those 1,900 pennies are only going to get you George W. Bush standing in front of all your co-workers? Really? Is that the best offer we can come up with?

Not in America, it's not!

Besides [Terry] Bradshaw ("legendary NFL Hall of Fame quarterback), [Zig] Ziglar ("America's #1 motivator") and [Rudy] Giuliani ("America's mayor"), Bush will appear at the Fort Worth event with Colin Powell ("legendary soldier-statesman"), Robert Schuller ("America's best inspirational speaker"), Rick Belluzzo ("legendary president of Microsoft") and Tamara Lowe ("top sales expert and author of Get Motivated!").

Nia Vardalos ("star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and My Life in Ruins") apparently had conflicts that day. Maybe next year.

Protesters who attended Saturday's Tea Party rally in Washington found a new reason to be upset: Apparently they are unhappy with the level of service provided by the subway system.

Rep. Kevin Brady asked for an explanation of why the government-run subway system didn't, in his view, adequately prepare for this past weekend's rally to protest government spending and government services.

Seriously.

The Texas Republican on Wednesday released a letter he sent to Washington's Metro system complaining that the taxpayer-funded subway system was unable to properly transport protesters to the rally to protest government spending and expansion.

We now return you to your regularly depressing outlook on society.

(via Balloon Juice)

* Vanity Fair gives it up for the pimpest evil dictator of all time.

* Joe the Plumber on the patriotic virtues of beating up an old lady. That is one classy faux-plumber.

* Evil cartoon characters Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh to be animated.

* Texas schools to start teaching the Bible as part of curriculum in last ditch effort wrest idiocy title from Oklahoma.

* Have you googled "Santorum" recently?

* This is the way real men resolve their conflicts: over beers, in full suit and ties, on patio furniture.

* Hey, look! The Obama administration loves gay people!

* Oh, wait. Nevermind.

* The Senate just got a little more sausage party-er.

* America: Sarah Palin would make a great president… of doing the laundry.

Well, good news! Ex-AG A.G. has got himself a new gig, at Texas Tech University…

Gonzales will work to recruit minority students for the Lubbock-based college's diversity office and teach a junior-level political science seminar on "Contemporary Issues in the Executive Branch," according to a statement from Texas Tech.

"I am excited that Alberto Gonzales is bringing his experience to Texas Tech," Kent Hance, Texas Tech's chancellor, said in the statement. "His own upbringing in Houston as part of a migrant family with eight children makes him qualified to tell underrepresented Texas students that college is possible."

And, of course, he'll relate especially well to the underrepresented Texas students who dream of growing up to erode privacy, stifle free speech, expand the limits of executive privilege and trample the Geneva Convention.

At least let's hope they're underrepresented.

Man, I never thought we'd get rid of that old chestnut…

[W]hen McLucas arrived at work at a Texas hospital last Friday, she was stunned to be told that the Stars and Stripes she had hung in her office in advance of Memorial Day were offensive, and that the flag had been removed.

"I got into work, I was met by my supervisor and told that there had been multiple complaints, that people found the flag very offensive and it had been taken down," McLucas told FOXNews.com.

But, wait! Don't break into uncontrollable tears over how badly the American-citizen minority is being oppressed in this country! There's a happy ending, I swear!

Kindred issued a press release stating, "Kindred Hospital Mansfield has a great deal of appreciation for the service that many of our employees and their families have given to their country. We honor our veterans and active military through a variety of benefits and service programs. This was an isolated incident between two employees that we are working to resolve amicably."

The statement went on to explain: "The disagreement was over the size of the flag and not what it symbolized. We have invited the employee to put the flag back up."

Wooo hooo! America finally wins something!

Take that, President Obama! And take that also, Speaker Pelosi! And also Secretary Clinton should take some of that, too! And if there's some of that left over, it should probably go to that Noam Chomsky person, whoever that is!

Really, though, how stupid was that hospital supervisor? Incredibly stupid or the stupidest? Not letting an American citizen in America — let's not even get into the fact that it's Texas, specifically — hang an American flag in her own workspace?

That is without doubt the dumbest thing ever, only slightly beating the second dumbest thing ever, which is turning this office squabble into a national news story.

Well, he's at it again. But this time, his brains are getting all kinds of crazy all over all scientific thought regarding this whole Global Warming hoax.

Get a load of these mind bombs he's dropping…

"I would also point out that CO2, carbon dioxide, is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term… I am creating it as I talk to you. It's in your Coca-Cola, you’re Dr. Pepper, your Perrier water.

Oh my God! Get it out! Get it out! Ah, I can feel it in my lungs and my veins! Aaaaahhhh!!!

"And something that the Democrat sponsors do not point out, a lot of the CO2 that is created in the United States is naturally created. You can't regulate God. Not even the Democratic majority in the US Congress can regulate God."

Damn! Why did that guy deny the world his amazing mental powers by not becoming a real deal scientist or some shit?

We could be eating diesel-fueled steak  and driving around in cars made out of battery acid and stuff.

The Onion reports…

Calling it an essential step toward securing the Texas border and protecting his people's way of life, Gov. Rick Perry announced Tuesday the completion of a 1,953-mile wall designed to keep out millions of unwanted Americans…

"As governor, it is my responsibility to do whatever's necessary to maintain the territorial integrity of Texas," Perry told reporters during a press conference held inside a sniper tower overlooking Oklahoma. "If you are a Texas citizen, you shouldn't have to worry about some American coming in here, using your goods and services, and taking away your job."

"Let the record show I have nothing personal against Americans," Perry added. "I just think they should stay in America, where they belong."

We all knew it was only a matter of time.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm /10:30c.