After setting the record straight on dinosaurs, Conservapedia recently turned their focus to fixing The Bible. Specifically, they're looking to rid the good book of all the liberal stuff like Jesus' gay beard and beef up the conservative elements. Well, as Stephen Colbert pointed out on last night's Colbert Report, no conservative bible would be complete without Himself.

Demonstrating that, just like dinosaurs, their senses of humor mostly died out a couple thousand years ago, the folks at Conservapedia have responded to the onslaught of Colbert viewers who have graciously tried to help with the conservative Bible project:

Special message to the Colbert show watchers: do yourselves a favor and watch less television. Colbert and his advertisers want to make money off you, but you can accomplish some good instead by unplugging the TV. You could even pick up a Bible.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

I don't know if you remember before about when I was making fun of all insane crazy people who were speculating that Barack Obama might actually be that Antichrist character in that one book whatever it's called.

Well, that was obviously before I heard the argument put forth by this brilliant video for brilliant geniuses…

You have to admit, that guy put an awful lot of work into that misunderstanding of how language translation works.

When your grandchildren ask you why there was a war in a place called Iraq you can just smile wisely, repeat the headline above and shoo them off to play with their My Little Hovercrafts.

Yes, it seems our ex-president had a very good reason for launching a secretive war that cost thousands of lives and billions of dollars: he was on a mission from God…

President George W. Bush told French President Jacques Chirac in early 2003 that Iraq must be invaded to thwart Gog and Magog, the Bible’s satanic agents of the Apocalypse.

Now out of office, Chirac recounts that the American leader appealed to their "common faith" (Christianity) and told him: "Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East…. The biblical prophecies are being fulfilled…. This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins."

Weirdly enough, then-President Chirac didn't jump at this opportunity to put on the armor of God and get a-smiting. Instead he said something along the lines of "Let me get back to you on that, Monsieur Le Petit Arbre," and then he summoned his staff, who sat around scratching their heads (in French)…

Chirac says he was boggled by Bush’s call and "wondered how someone could be so superficial and fanatical in their beliefs."

A terrifying and bizarre episode, to be sure, but at least it confirms something I've suspected for a long time.

French people aren't just surrender monkeys. They're also blasphemer chimps.

(via the heathen Andrew Sullivan)

Here's a brand new, must-have edition of America's founding document and the basis of everything the country stands for: The American Patriot's Bible!

But you may be asking yourself: What's wrong with my old Bible, the one that Jesus descended from Heaven to hand over to George Washington after he crossed the Delaware? Nothing. That's Bible is fine. But this one's better. Because it comes with conservative talking points!

"This Bible is designed for the decent, hardworking core of America, the ordinary man or woman who loves this nation and believes it springs from godly roots," says Richard G. Lee, a Southern Baptist pastor from Georgia who served as the Bible's general editor.

"Christians have believed all along that this nation sprung from Judeo-Christian ethics. Now they can say, "Oh, now I know where this uniqueness comes from in our nation's history."'…

Lee sprinkles his Bible with some 300 articles about "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," the right to keep and bear arms, the war in Iraq and religious broadcasting.

It's so sad how many people forget that Jesus died on that cross to protect the 2nd Amendment. And his apostles could have shot him out of there if only they were allowed to carry a fully automatic assault rifles.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm getting a kind of heavy bi-partisan — really, "non-partisan" — vibe off of this Bible which is so obviously trying to tear down the wall between church and state. Do you think that was Lee's goal? I'll bet it was…

His goal was to create a "non-partisan" Bible, but he quotes Republican Ronald Reagan more times than Democrats Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Lyndon Johnson and John F. Kennedy combined.

In an interview, Lee said he doesn't even know if Carter, a fellow Georgian and longtime Baptist Sunday school teacher, is a Christian. As for President Obama? "I haven't seen any patriotism from him yet."

Plus, isn't he a Muslim? So, can he even be patriotic?

(via Pam's House Blend)

The Old Testament is the best. I'd need an extra hand to count all the times I've used it to justify selling my daughters into slavery. Fortunately, I was fighting some dude and my wife touched his genitals, so I actually do have an extra hand. You can even use the Old Testament as an excuse to keep a hypocritical position of excessive power.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

The Republicans have been getting a lot of shit lately for having no ideas that don't begin and end with the word "No!" to the table. But that's not completely true.

Like, look at this resolution introduced by Georgia's Rep. Paul Broun…

H. Con. Res. 121: Encouraging the President to designate 2010 as "The National Year of the Bible"…

Whereas the Bible has had a profound impact in shaping America into a great Nation;

Whereas deep religious beliefs stemming from the Old and New Testament of the Bible have inspired Americans from all walks of life, especially the early settlers, whose faith, spiritual courage, and moral strength enabled them to endure intense hardships in this new land…

Whereas 2010 is an appropriate year to designate as ‘The National Year of the Bible’: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved by the House of Representatives (the Senate concurring), That the President is encouraged–

(1) to designate an appropriate year as ‘The National Year of the Bible’; and

(2) to issue a proclamation calling upon citizens of all faiths to rediscover and apply the priceless, timeless message of the Holy Scripture which has profoundly influenced and shaped the United States and its great democratic form of Government, as well as its rich spiritual heritage, and which has unified, healed, and strengthened its people for over 200 years.

I'll tell you, it's about time somebody in the U.S. government start paying a little attention to that much put-upon minority the Christians and their obscure little book.

It's not like we have any more pressing matters to deal with, right?