The Onion reports…

"As evidenced by his epic run on Swamp Thing #21–64, [Alan] Moore's deft hand with both sociopolitical commentary and metaphysical violence makes him an ideal choice to chronicle my time in office," Obama said of the author of Watchmen and From Hell, whom he reportedly chose over others on a short list of potential biographers that included Warren Ellis, Grant Morrison, and Bob Woodward.

"I look forward to seeing the kinds of subplots he will surely weave throughout the main narrative of my presidency, and how he'll tie them all back together at the end in a way that just elevates the thing to a whole other level. God, that guy is the master."

See also: Congress Approves $500 Billion for Monument to Human Folly

This is a terrible, terrible day for feeling, caring human beings everywhere, and, therefore, obviously not for Glenn Beck…

The Onion pretty much sums up everything there is to sum up here. I think we can all go home now…

Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu…

Other prominent Republicans opposing Obama's declaration of emergency include Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, who urged residents of his state to continue not washing their hands, and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday.

I don't think there's anything to add to that. We can probably all just go home now.

See also: U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

It's about time someone started making fun of Joe Biden. That guy's been getting a free pass for years…

From ONN…

What is there to say about New York Times' conservative columnist William Safire, now at the time of his passing? As my esteemed colleague Matthew Tobey said to me, "He was wrong on the war, but right on proper use of pronouns." That, I think, just about sums it up.

Let him then forever be remembered like this…

And like this…