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As you've no doubt heard from People Magazine, the New York Times and the National Intelligence Briefing, Malia and Sasha Obama will soon be attending Sidwell Friends School in Washington, DC.
Well good news for our employers at Comedy Central: It just so happens that we are graduates of the very same school. Finally, your investment in us has paid off!
Below, we've answered some of the most frequently asked questions about Sidwell Friends to provide you an inside perspective on the future lives of our nation's First Kids (and hopefully score a reference in an upcoming Jonas Brothers episode.)
Q: What is the deal with the name Sidwell Friends? It's so gay.
A: The name is actually a religious reference. Sidwell Friends was founded by the group commonly known as Quakers, whose official name is the Religious Society of Friends.
Q: Oh, I know the Quakers! They're the ones who wear old clothing and don't use electricity or zippers and ride around in…
A: No, you're thinking of the Amish.
Q: …a horse and buggy like it's colonial days! And they're all peasants named Methuselah or something Biblical like that and–
A: No, that's definitely the Amish. The Quakers are totally different.
Q: Will Malia and Sasha be the first politician's children to attend Sidwell?
A: Definitely not. Tricia Nixon went there! (Also Chelsea Clinton, Al Gore III, three Biden grandchildren, Teddy Roosevelt's son, the child of basically every elected Democrat in Washington, blah blah blah.)
Q: Were the kids cruel at Sidwell? Did they ever make fun of Chelsea Clinton's appearance during her awkward teenage years?
Q: I'm confused. I thought that Barack Obama would never send his kids to a Quaker School, but rather a Secret Muslim Madrassa — perhaps even an al-Qaeda training camp.
A: Sadly, the press scrutiny would be too harsh if he did that. Sasha and Malia will hopefully get plenty of terrorist training, though, because Sidwell's Head of School is retiring, and esteemed educator Bill Ayers is surely on the short list to replace him.
Q: Do the girls have any chance of success with a Sidwell education?
After having already served two terms as President and taking a four-year hiatus, Teddy Roosevelt attempted to win the Republican nomination for the 1912 campaign from then-President William Howard Taft, whom he hated. Failing that, he pulled his delegates from Republican convention and formed the Bull-Moose Party, naming it after an animal that is slightly larger than Taft's fat ass.
The creation of this offshoot party caused endless infighting amongst those loyal to the Republicans and those loyal to Roosevelt, effectively splitting the vote. In the end, both parties (and the American people) lost, as Democrat Woodrow Wilson won the election.
Teddy eventually returned to the GOP, and Republicans have never fought amongst themselves again.
(Originally published as part of a series on third-party candidates. Sorry, I'm lazy and the first World Series game is starting.)
[McCain] also, on two occasions, referred to his hero Teddy Roosevelt, citing his famous statement about the need to "speak softly and carry a big stick" — Roosevelt actually said "walk softly and carry a big stick."
Ho ho ho, that dolt John McCain, just like his running-mate with the goofy misquoting.
Except: McCain actually said "talk softly and carry a big stick." Inelegant, yes, but remember: this is a man of the people.
There's a lot to ponder here. Should we blame bias, laziness or happy hour specials for the media's lack of accuracy? Is 'talk' an acceptable synonym for 'speak'? How about 'palaver'? Or 'walk'?
On January 20th, 1961, at the age of 43, John F. Kennedy became the youngest person elected to the office of the American presidency. (Teddy Roosevelt was actually the youngest, at 42, but he had moved up in position from vice president after William McKinley's assassination.)
Wait a minute! Kennedy was assassinated. And then he was succeeded by Lyndon Johnson. Who was from Texas. And a lot of people ride horses in Texas. And if you've never ridden a horse before, it's probably pretty difficult. Or "rough." Teddy Roosevelt was a member of the Rough Riders during the Spanish-American War.
The USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN-71) — a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier, launched in October of 1984 — has been a major weapon for the United States in its war against terror.
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