Look who's sniffing at the hindquarters of 2012: Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, or "TPaw," which is what he calls himself when he slips into his badass presidential candidate alter ego.

Speaking of, in a weekend interview with the Washington Times, ol' TPaw did everything short of revealing his campaign theme song…

He equated abortion with murder, noted that the Earth is cooling, not warming, and said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke and the Treasury secretaries in the Bush and Obama administrations were "misguided" at best in declaring certain financial and manufacturing organizations too big to be allowed to fail.

Dang, this fella Pawlenty, he's some smart. How could the Earth be warming if I had to dig out my sweaters just the other day? But I'm still not convinced that he's the one guy I want to wave cardboard signs for…

In the telephone interview, the 48-year-old, hockey-playing Republican also repeated the standard early denials of presidential aspirations.

Ding ding ding ding!

You know, they say, the difference between a hockey-playing Republican and a pitbull?

A mullet.

Take notice, 2012: Mike Huckabee swept the presidential fantasy vote at this weekend's Values Voter Summit, winning 28% of the nation's valuesiest straw poll.

Palin? Pawlenty? Romney? You mean Loser, Loser and Loserbot?

Receiving between 12.4 percent and 11.9 percent of the vote were, in descending order, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2008; Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee; and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence.

Rounding out the field were former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the favorite of 6.7 percent of straw poll voters; Lousiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, 4.7 percent; former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, 2.5 percent; and Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, 2.18 percent.

There you have it, Mike Huckabee will be the One Chosen to defeat Antichrist Barack Obama in 2012, assuming the Republicans build a party strategy that consists entirely of banning abortion and not banning "Freebird."

I'd say there's at least a 28% chance of that.

You know what sucks? ACORN.

You know who's not going to let his state give any more money to ACORN? Tim Pawlenty…

Saying he was concerned by "questionable behavior and potentially illegal activity" by ACORN, [Minnesota Gov.] Pawlenty ordered his budget office to "stop all state funding to ACORN unless the state is legally obligated to provide such funding."

Yeah! You tell 'em, Tim! Oh, and one other thing…

ACORN deputy political director Kevin Whelan said neither ACORN nor its partner, ACORN Housing Corp., is currently receiving funding from the state.

Okay, whatever. Who says ACORN has to be receiving state funding from Minnesota in order for Tim Pawlenty to stop funding ACORN with funds they aren't receiving from the state of Minnesota? Please. Tim Pawlenty doesn't need "actual reality" dictating his policy decisions.

Pawlenty/Unicorn '12!

Imagine my excitement when I spotted the words "Reaganesque zingers" scrolling through the ol' RSS feed — why, it felt like the Fourth of July and my birthday combined, with ice cream cake and fireworks and that hovercraft I've been wanting, only more patriotic (if such a thing were even possible)! Is there anything I love more than a good zinger delivered in the style of America's greatest president, Ronald Reagan?

Yes. I would love it more if Ronald Reagan were brought back to life so he could grace us with his zippy zingers in person. Until that technology is developed, however, Tim Pawlenty will have to do…

Republicans have been starved for leadership, so it’s exciting when a rising political star delivers a rousing address full of Reaganesque zingers.

"Our system in the United States isn’t cash for clunkers, it’s cash for flunkers. It’s a disgrace that anyone is forced to go to a bad school." The speaker was Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota, who delivered his forceful remarks to GOPAC [during a GOP hobnob fest over the weekend] without notes and without a teleprompter.*

Hahahahaha, cash for flunkers! Zing, Tim! That'll show our stupid public education system, which just spends all its time in the alley outside the art room, smoking cigarettes and sulking.

Hey, I've got one: "Our system in the United States isn't cash for clunkers. It's No Child Left Behind, which prioritizes standardized test scores over actual learning, encourages schools to fudge their "improvements" to get funding, and imposes punitive sanctions on failing school districts, which helps them fail even more-unkers."

Nah, you're right. Tim's is better. That's why he gets paid to write jokes and I don't.

^{* Note for nitpickers: Yes, I know. In the picture to the right, you can see notes and a teleprompter. It was the only recentish photo I could find of Tim Seinfeld-Pawlenty at a podium. Clearly Mr. Pawlenty-Carlin has used notes and a teleprompter in the past… perhaps he just got better at hiding them, hmm?}

Seeing as how all of Iowa's homosexuals and state supreme court justices (probably at least bi-curious) decided to gang up on the poor, innocent straight people of the Hawkeye State and demolish their God-sanctioned marriages, the issue of gay marriage just might turn out to be a hot topic in the Iowa caucuses for the 2012 Republican presidential primaries.

The big, thick, throbbing question is, though: How much strategic homophobia is just the right amount of strategic homophobia?

Possible presidential candidates Charlie Crist (governor of Florida), Mike Huckabee (former governor of Arkansas), Jon Huntsman (governor of Utah), Bobby Jindal (governor of Louisiana), Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska), Tim Pawlenty (governor of Minnesota), Mitt Romney (former governor of Massachusetts), Mark Sanford (governor of South Carolina), and former Speaker Newt Gingrich are all against gay marriage.

The key difference: Crist and Huntsman favor civil unions for gay couples, while the other seven are against… The question is whether Crist's and Huntsman’s support for civil unions will ultimately cost them more votes than they will gain. A recent University of Iowa poll offers a mixed answer. According to the poll, 53% of Iowa Republicans wish to ban gay marriage and civil unions through a constitutional amendment. On the other hand, just 30% of Iowa independents — who have made up about 15%-25% of Republican caucus attendees in recent competitive contests — favor such an amendment.

To be honest, I really don't think this will still be such a big issue three years from now.

I'm sure the Lord will have rained upon DesMoines and upon Ames brimstone and fire from the Lord out of heaven long before the 2012 primaries.

* The Swamp Creature of Congress is back! (And, no, I'm not talking about Denny Hastert.)

* New scientific study on looks into Sarah Palin's popularity with many voters.

* Looks like the incoming president's gonna need to find a new place to torture political dissidents. I suggest Trenton, NJ.

* Obama possibly taking this whole Lincoln-emulation thing a bit far.

* Al Franken asks Minnesota governor for senate seat. Governor says, "Go fish."

* Roland Burris is probably almost certainly maybe for sure gonna be a senator.

* What's the only thing that could possibly make The View any better? Can't think of anything? How about Ann Coulter?