We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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At the recent Value Voters Summit, Senator Tom Coburn's Chief of Staff Mike Schwartz declared all pornography is gay pornography. Which, I have to admit, is pretty true. Personally, there's nothing I enjoy more than firing up the latest episode of MILF Hunter and blowing a bunch of dudes. Here's Jon Stewart with more on the Summit.
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Is it notable because he attempts to bring the hammer down on porn too? Is it newsworthy because attempts to assert a causal connection between heterosexual porn and homosexuality using some freshman philosophy class bullshit? Or maybe it's notable because he admits to having sex with children.
"It's been a while since I was associated with pre-adolescent boys."
Even so, it's like Edwin Edwards said: "The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. But even then, probably no one would care except the blogs."
Despite all their tough filibustery talk, Senate Republicans yesterday threw in their respective towels, clearing Sonia Sotomayor for a quick confirmation vote before Congress recesses on August 7.
"Your judicial record strikes me as pretty much in the mainstream of judicial decision-making," said Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas. Added Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C.: "You have, as a judge, been generally in the mainstream."
Oh really? Because that is the exact opposite of what scientific research says. When was the last time John Cornyn and Lindsey Grahamnesty set foot in mainstream America, anyway? Well, take heart, Mainstream-Americans. Someone's on your side…
From the outset, the National Rifle Association has respected the confirmation process and hoped for mainstream answers to bedrock questions. Unfortunately, Judge Sotomayor’s judicial record and testimony clearly demonstrate a hostile view of the Second Amendment and the fundamental right of self-defense guaranteed under the U.S. Constitution.
And so the NRA will not be voting for this terrible Constitution-hating judge.
Unless, of course, she proves her commitment to the Second Amendment by making good on her threat to shoot Tom Coburn.
Look, I don't mean to suggest this or in any way imply that this might actually happen, but what I'm saying is that if she's not confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor might — or might not, maybe — kill every single person in America.
That's what I gather, at least, from this strange, rambling explanation she gave to Sen. Tom Coburn earlier today about something or other…
"If the threat was in this room, 'I'm going to come get you,' and you go home and get — or I go home. I don't want to suggest I am, by the way. Please, I'm not — I don't want anybody to misunderstand what I'm trying to say.
"If I go home, get a gun, come back and shoot you, that may not be legal under New York law…"
No, it might not. But, then again, I'm not a lawyer, so there's always a chance that I'm misunderstanding when it is and when it is not legal to murder somebody in cold blood with a fire arm for making hypothetical threats of a vaguely violent nature during congressional hearings.
Though, I'm pretty sure she could make a case for beating him to death with a pair of nunchucks.
Kentucky's junior senator took the time this past weekend to drive an obsidian dagger into a live goat so that he might pull forth the sacrificial beast's steaming entrails and prognosticate the future of the U.S. Supreme Court…
U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning predicted over the weekend that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would likely be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months.
Senator, please tell us, though. Will Justice Ginsburg at least be killed by the good kind of cancer that you get better from?
"Bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.
The holy man then went on to predict that Barack Obama's stimulus package would drive the nation further into debt before asking his stunned congregation for some tithings…
"I'm not only asking for your support, but if you have a $25 check somewhere, or whatever, you can send it, I'll cash it," he told the group.
He then finished up his rites by placing a hex…
on National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman John Cornyn of Texas… for not using Senatorial committee funds to help him and conservative Sens. Jim DeMint of South Carolina, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma and David Vitter of Louisiana."
Yesterday, Eric revealed that Republican Sen. Tom Coburn would be serenading Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson of Florida with Elton John's 1972 classic "Rocket Man."
Well, now that there's video…
…it's clear to the sharp-eared among us that Coburn wasn't singing Elton John's 1972 classic "Rocket Man."
He was singing William Shatner's 1978 classic "Rocket Man" (and he's not the first to be inspired by it):
Man, it's a good thing I'm high as a kite right now…
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Look, I don't mean to suggest this or in any way imply that this might actually happen, but what I'm saying is that if she's not confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor might — or might not, maybe — kill every single person in America.
Kentucky's junior senator took the time this past weekend to drive an obsidian dagger into a live goat so that he might pull forth the sacrificial beast's steaming entrails and 
