We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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Have you started your Christmas shopping? Don't bother. This is the only item you'll need to buy, and you'll want one for everybody on your list: young people, old people, naughty people, nice people, Jewish people just for good measure, etc.
Huckabee recounts twelve Christmas memories–often funny, sometimes deeply moving–that range from his childhood in Arkansas to his years as a young husband and father to his time as a governor and then a presidential candidate. These true stories will help you smile, take a deep breath, and maybe slow down your own holiday treadmill. For instance:
As kids, Mike and his sister would sneak open their gifts before Christmas, play with them, then rewrap them so their parents wouldn't notice. The plan worked great for several years until one Christmas morning when young Mike unwrapped a brand-new football… that was covered in mud. That led to a powerful lesson about patience.
Haw haw haw, gosh, I bet it did! You know what else teaches a powerful lesson about patience? Having to wait around for your political career to rise above the level of folksy pundit also-ran.
I bet that story'll be in Huckabee's next book, An Inane Easter: Thirteen Stories that Celebrate the True Values Voter Spirit.
Take notice, 2012: Mike Huckabee swept the presidential fantasy vote at this weekend's Values Voter Summit, winning 28% of the nation's valuesiest straw poll.
Receiving between 12.4 percent and 11.9 percent of the vote were, in descending order, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2008; Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee; and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence.
Rounding out the field were former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the favorite of 6.7 percent of straw poll voters; Lousiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, 4.7 percent; former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, 2.5 percent; and Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, 2.18 percent.
There you have it, Mike Huckabee will be the One Chosen to defeat Antichrist Barack Obama in 2012, assuming the Republicans build a party strategy that consists entirely of banning abortion and not banning "Freebird."
Oh boy, oh boy, the annual Values Voter Summit starts today, and as usual it is a veritable smorgasbord of right-wing catnip. (It is also, according to the site's own header, the "Value Voters Summit," so I assume there are separate events for anyone who's interested in saving $$$ at Costco?)
If you can't make it to D.C. to rub elbows with the heavyweights of the conservative movement — Mike Huckabee, Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin (above, with his running mate) — have a taste of what you're missing…
* "Thugocracy: Fighting the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy"
* "Defunding Planned Parenthood"
* "Speechless: Silencing the Christians"
* "Obamacare: Rationing Your Life Away"
Yeah, those all sound pretty good. That schedule's nice and values-y. But where's the workshop for those of us who believe that global warming is nothing but a hoax perpetrated by evildoers whose only goal is to murder everyone on the planet?
* "Global Warming Hysteria: The New Face of the 'Pro-Death' Agenda"
[W]henever Bill O'Reilly feels threatened he summons Juan Williams to appear on The Factor to apologize for BillO's actions. Last night Juan did his job well…
Williams: "There are people who are going to try and use this now to make others who have critical of a women having the right to choose, make that into a political tool to beat people up and to try and convince people that these are all extremists and the fact is that you're not extremist. There are a lot of people who by a matter of conscience are troubled by abortion, especially late term abortion and I know you O'Reilly, what you did is you said it bothered you personally and there's nothing wrong with that…
"But let me just say, they're going after you, Bill O'Reilly and I've never heard you say to block a clinic , I've never heard you say to create violence to intimidate women who are legally seeking an abortion. I've never heard you say go after the doctor's, berate them, certainly not kill them. Never. Never! Not true."
Wow! He really makes Alan Colmes look like a linebacker… holding a machete… in his prehensile penis.
So, you're hip young Christian conservative parents preparing to send your kids away to college, and you're concerned that they might be infected with critical thinking skills while you're not around to remind them of the inerrant truth of talking snakes and virgin births. Homeschooling and rigid control over those with whom they were allowed to associate worked through high school, but you can't get the state to recognize your garage as an accredited institute of higher learning.
If only Jesus would provide us with a weekend workshop to help us clasp a safety lock around our children's brains so that only the most surface detail aspects of their college education would be capable of slipping inside. Or has He?
I heard that dedicated young lady actually spent several weeks living out in the wild with real liberal atheists so that she could get their mannerisms just right.
I think she nailed it pretty hard, don't you?
Obviously, you're convinced, because that was pretty much the most thought-provoking film ever, but the end part might be a tad too graphic and disturbing to show to the kids. so here's CWW's founder Mark Nauroth to tell them why they're not emotionally mature enough to deal with grown-up things, like other people's belief systems (PDF).
Have you started your Christmas shopping? Don't bother. This is the only item you'll need to buy, and you'll want one for everybody on your list: young people, old people, naughty people, nice people, Jewish people just for good measure, etc.
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Take notice, 2012: Mike Huckabee swept the presidential fantasy vote at this weekend's 
While we're on the subject of 
