I'm speaking, of course, about Mike Huckabee's heartwarming new book, A Simple Christmas: Twelve Stories that Celebrate the True Holiday Spirit. It's a hot cup of cocoa scented with winter spice potpourri and a dollop of baby Jesus for the real American soul…

Huckabee recounts twelve Christmas memories–often funny, sometimes deeply moving–that range from his childhood in Arkansas to his years as a young husband and father to his time as a governor and then a presidential candidate. These true stories will help you smile, take a deep breath, and maybe slow down your own holiday treadmill. For instance:

As kids, Mike and his sister would sneak open their gifts before Christmas, play with them, then rewrap them so their parents wouldn't notice. The plan worked great for several years until one Christmas morning when young Mike unwrapped a brand-new football… that was covered in mud. That led to a powerful lesson about patience.

Haw haw haw, gosh, I bet it did! You know what else teaches a powerful lesson about patience? Having to wait around for your political career to rise above the level of folksy pundit also-ran.

I bet that story'll be in Huckabee's next book, An Inane Easter: Thirteen Stories that Celebrate the True Values Voter Spirit.

Palin? Pawlenty? Romney? You mean Loser, Loser and Loserbot?

Receiving between 12.4 percent and 11.9 percent of the vote were, in descending order, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2008; Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee; and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence.

Rounding out the field were former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the favorite of 6.7 percent of straw poll voters; Lousiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, 4.7 percent; former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, 2.5 percent; and Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, 2.18 percent.

There you have it, Mike Huckabee will be the One Chosen to defeat Antichrist Barack Obama in 2012, assuming the Republicans build a party strategy that consists entirely of banning abortion and not banning "Freebird."

I'd say there's at least a 28% chance of that.

If you can't make it to D.C. to rub elbows with the heavyweights of the conservative movement — Mike Huckabee, Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin (above, with his running mate) — have a taste of what you're missing…

* "Thugocracy: Fighting the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy"

* "Defunding Planned Parenthood"

* "Speechless: Silencing the Christians"

* "Obamacare: Rationing Your Life Away"

Yeah, those all sound pretty good. That schedule's nice and values-y. But where's the workshop for those of us who believe that global warming is nothing but a hoax perpetrated by evildoers whose only goal is to murder everyone on the planet?

* "Global Warming Hysteria: The New Face of the 'Pro-Death' Agenda"

Ahh, there it is. Phew.

I was getting worried for a minute there.

[W]henever Bill O'Reilly feels threatened he summons Juan Williams to appear on The Factor to apologize for BillO's actions. Last night Juan did his job well…

Williams: "There are people who are going to try and use this now to make others who have critical of a women having the right to choose, make that into a political tool to beat people up and to try and convince people that these are all extremists and the fact is that you're not extremist. There are a lot of people who by a matter of conscience are troubled by abortion, especially late term abortion and I know you O'Reilly, what you did is you said it bothered you personally and there's nothing wrong with that…

"But let me just say, they're going after you, Bill O'Reilly and I've never heard you say to block a clinic , I've never heard you say to create violence to intimidate women who are legally seeking an abortion. I've never heard you say go after the doctor's, berate them, certainly not kill them. Never. Never! Not true."

Wow! He really makes Alan Colmes look like a linebacker… holding a machete… in his prehensile penis.

Crooks and Liars has footage of O'Reilly not going after the doctor, not berating him. Never. Never!

If only Jesus would provide us with a weekend workshop to help us clasp a safety lock around our children's brains so that only the most surface detail aspects of their college education would be capable of slipping inside. Or has He?

Have you considered The College Weekend Workshop LIVE 2009? (Spoiler alert: It's LIVE and it ROCKS!)

I heard that dedicated young lady actually spent several weeks living out in the wild with real liberal atheists so that she could get their mannerisms just right.

I think she nailed it pretty hard, don't you?

Obviously, you're convinced, because that was pretty much the most thought-provoking film ever, but the end part might be a tad too graphic and disturbing to show to the kids. so here's CWW's founder Mark Nauroth to tell them why they're not emotionally mature enough to deal with grown-up things, like other people's belief systems (PDF).

(via Pharyngula)

Jeeze, he's right! When you think about it, O'Reilly truly is the real victim in all this.

See also: Culture Warrior Bill O'Reilly Finally Making a Difference?

Already, the pro-deathers are making absurd comments such as, "Tiller was truly pro-life, he helped women and was willing to sacrifice his own life for them!" Well, if pro-aborts can dub Tiller "truly pro-life", then in all fairness I guess it's safe to say that his killer was truly "pro-choice". He believed in the idea that if a person's existence troubles you, you have the right to kill them. He also obviously strongly felt that every abortionist should be a wanted abortionist. Is it not a personal decision? His ammunition, his choice? Everybody has an opinion… can't we all just get along? Find common ground, like Obama asked us to?

I mean, I personally would not shoot an abortionist, but who am I to impose my morality on someone else? If you are against shooting abortionists, then don't shoot one, right? Hmm, suddenly pro-choice rhetoric doesn't sound so warm and fuzzy and virtuous, does it?

Tiller was killed by a pro-choice act. Pro-lifers need make no apologies. Both men are guilty of bloodshed and this tragedy is a sad but all-too-real testament to the biblical truth that those who live by the sword, die by the sword.

Man. If there was a morning after pill for horrible opinions you accidentally read, I'd so be running to the drugstore right now. But, unfortunately, neither you nor I can ever go back and un-read that.

I'm sincerely sorry to have done that to you, but somebody did it to me first, and I'm just paying God's love forward.

See also: Edmonds' previous piece, "Those People Died in that Plane Crash Because a Few of Them Were Related to an Abortionist."

Most people — whenever anything horrible happens in the world — ask themselves the same existential question: To what extent was Bill O'Reilly responsible for this?

Usually, the answer is just something boring like, "Probably just a tiny little bit, I guess." But this time, the answer might actually be a little different…

O'Reilly will no doubt catch a lot of flack for this shooting, but before anybody starts throwing blame around, I just ask that people really take a hard look at the facts.

This Roeder guy was apparently 51-years-old. Are there really any people in such a young and spry age bracket who pay any attention to what O'Reilly says anymore?

For further reading on this topic:
Bill O'Reilly Correctly Predicted He'd Be Called Out for Things He Did
Murder of George Tiller Was "Pro-Choice Act," Says Anti-Choice Activist
You Probably Shouldn't Use Violence Against the Werewolf That's Going to Kill Us All
Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Can We at Least Agree on Being Anti-PETA

The only thing is, it doesn't seem particularly shocking for me to hear a child telling her grandmother that he should still accept and love her if she were a lesbian. Or that believing the Garden of Eden myth to be based on historical fact is maybe an outdated mode of thinking and that humans possibly aren't pulled from their mothers' wombs already stained with sin for which they need to feel ashamed.

Call me crazy, but I actually kind of find that endearing…

Our kids will be taught a new way of thinking?!?! What?!?! You mean they might grow up not believing that homosexuals mutant pervert abominations before God whose rights of freedom aren't also covered by the Constitution?

Why, that would be a catastrophe!

PZ Myers, by the way, has an excellent response…

Oh, and for any kids who are actually confused, here's how to tell who your parents are. They're the people who love you and take care of you and worry about you all the time. That's all that is important. Their anatomy? Not so important.