(JOHN McCAIN is meeting with CHARLIE BLACK and RICK DAVIS to decide whom to pick for vice president.)

JOHN McCAIN
I think I want
Joe Lieberman.

CHARLIE BLACK
With him, there's no way
You can win.

JOHN McCAIN
Well, what about Tom Ridge instead?

CHARLIE BLACK
Do that and your campaign is dead.

RICK DAVIS
We need a conservative who can serve.

JOHN McCAIN
You jerks are getting on my last nerve.

(The phone rings in the Palin home… JOHN McCAIN offers her a spot on the Republican ticket.)

JOHN McCAIN
Is there anything
I need to know
About your family?

SARAH PALIN
No. Although,
Now that you mention it,
Once, back in the '80s,
Todd was driving tipsy
And dinged up a Mercedes.

JOHN McCAIN
You sure
That's all?

SARAH PALIN
That's all
I recall.

JOHN McCAIN
That's really
Quite small.
Excellent. You've got the job.
Rick and Charlie can polish my knob.

Read the whole thing on McSweeney's…

If you're like me, you love news about Republican politicians but hate reading long and boring news stories about them with your eyeballs.

Ugh! All those letters and symbols, and almost none of them resemble dirty body parts. I just get frustrated after about thirty seconds.

That's why, whenever I can, I like to read the news with my ears. Luckily Michael Hearst — of the geekishly amazing band One Ring Zero –  recently started a website called Songs for Newsworthy News. All the songs are made with sounds, so you don't have to tired out your eyes, and they're all short enough for me to not get bored (until usually around the last few seconds).

Unfortunately, I didn't find his songbriefing on Sarah Palin's VP nomination until it was too late. Don't make the same mistake as me.

1:03 - On second thought, that "eighteen million cracks" line wasn't just intended for angry women Democrats as I kind of sexistishly wrote. I think they're going for all women.

This could — if the McCain/Palin team plays this right — change everything. We'll see.

12:50 - She didn't talk at all about her policies. At all! That was completely about her being a "reformer" and a "woman" and "an all American mom." I wonder how long they're gonna try to hold back on her conservativism.

And how long before the Obama campaign begins carpet bombing the press with its spin.

12:46 – Is that closing music from "Halloween" or "The Exorcist"?

12:44 – She's invoked the name Hillary Clinton! And her "eighteen million cracks" line! They're totally going after all the angry women Democrats. But it seems really, really calculated. Is John McCain really getting that scared?

12:40 – A veteran and a veteran's mom. Burn that idea into your brain, because you're gonna hear it a lot.

12:39 – They're really playing this one as a choice for independents. That's gonna be McCain's message hardcore from now on. Despite their records, they're not gonna run as Republicans.

12:37 – She's gonna win McCain some votes. No doubt about it. She's as American as Baked Alaska.

12:36 – I like her. I'm sure I'll hate her politics, but she seems really likable.

12:35 - The phrase "hockey mom" has officially been added to the American lexicon.

12:34 – As well as an infant son? No way!

12:33 – Whoa! A kid in Iraq? That's good.

12:32 – Did I just catch McCain checking out Palin's junk?

12:31 – They share a birthday/anniversary? That's too awesome.

12:30 – I really hope this doesn't turn into some kind of Harriet Myers or Dan Quayle situation. I hope that she's as tough and qualified as they keep saying she is.

12:29 – Wow. That is a handsome woman.

12:28 – Here she comes!

12:27 – McCain is reading the shit out of that piece of paper with his speech on on it. It's like he's giving a book report. C'mon man, didn't you watch last night's speech?

12:26 – Hey, look! There's more than 80 people in that room! Good for you, McCain!

12:25 – Is the crowd booing "elementary school teacher"? WTF?

12:24 – "Someone with executive experience." Yeah, I guess she will be the only one in the race with that.

12:22 – "I had many good people to choose from." Don't forget Joe Lieberman.

12:19 – McCain just took the stage. He's getting a very nice birthday reception.

12:17 – Mary says: "One of the news channels just called Palin a 'sportsman.' Is there something we don't know?"

12:07 - I just thought of something interesting. The media is all over the fact that no matter who wins in November, history will be made. Either a black man or a woman will be in the White House. But I haven't yet heard anyone point out that both of the two freak states — Hawaii and Alaska — are now represented in this race.

12:01 – On the state investigation that many thought would kill her chances at the VP nod…

"…questions have now arisen over whether Palin used her office to try and fire her ex -brother-in-law from a state trooper's position. Palin asserts the charge is untrue, but the Alaska Senate this week approved the hiring of an independent investigator to look into the allegation."

You'd better believe that more people than the Alaska Senate will looking into those allegations.

11:53 – One thing is certain. Sarah Palin — whom most of the country was unaware of when they woke up this morning — is a brand new huge player in the Republican Party. And she's young. Even if the McCain/Palin ticket loses in November, I wouldn't be surprised to see her as a viable presidential candidate in the years to come.

11:40 - Mary says: "The real question is, will she wear a pantsuit?"

11:39 - By the way, we'll be seeing Palin speak in Dayton, Ohio at around noon.

11:38 - It's gonna be really interesting to see how Clinton feminists respond to this. She's opposed to equal pay reform and is an outspoken critic of Row v. Wade.

11:35 - John McCain has officially announced that Sarah Palin will be Republican nominee for vice-president.

11:20 - I can't wait to get to Minneapolis next week and talk to some conservatives about their feelings.

11:15 - I'll tell you one thing: If McCain wins in 2008 and decides not to run a second term, 2012 could be a crazy election cycle. Can you imagine a Clinton vs. Palin scenario? Oh my God, it's almost enough to make me pull for McCain to win.

11:13 - So, here we have 72-year-old John McCain and a young, relatively inexperienced, Washington outsider as his running mate. What happens if John McCain dies? Will she be ready to lead our country? And is that any different than electing Barack Obama? She, at least, has experience as an executive commander.

11:08 – Mary says: "This woman kills bears with her bare hands. She will not fear attack doggie Biden."

11:05 - Palin kind of is the female, less doughy version of Pat Buchanan. So, I'm curious about whether this really is going to pull in the women Democrats who have been leaning toward McCain. Sure, she's a woman, but she's also vehemently pro-life.

10:41 - Yes, Virginia, there will be a woman in this half of the election cycle.

MSNBC just issued a special report that John McCain has chosen hyper-conservative Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential nominee.

And she is considerably more attractive than Joe Lieberman. No offense to Lieberman, but Palin is only 44-years-old (that's even younger than Barack Obama) and as MILFy as they come.

On the other hand, she's not particularly experienced (I wonder how McCain will sally forth without that meme), having been in office for less than two years. It'll be interesting to see how she'll look going up against the very experienced Joe Biden in veep debates.

You know, it's too bad presidential and vice-presidential candidates don't get to debate each other. I think most people would rather watch Palin go up aginst Obama.

Anyway, it turns out that Team McCain has released a commercial that deliberately tries to foment resentment amongst former supporters of Hillary Clinton…

The ad, released at 3 a.m. Sunday, suggested that Obama chose against choosing his former rival because she pointed out his character flaws during the Democratic primaries.

"She won millions of votes. But isn't on his ticket. Why? For speaking the truth," the narrator in the ad says. "The truth hurt. And Obama didn't like it."

The ad sought to exploit tension between Obama and Clinton's supporters — tension that continued to simmer after officials confirmed that Clinton was not even vetted for the vice presidential slot. Obama gave that job to Delaware Sen. Joe Biden Saturday.

So, now McCain is praising Hillary for her electoral prowess and her amazing foresight in criticizing Obama. And this isn't the first time the senator from Arizona has lavished such praise on the New Yorker.

This can only lead to one possible conclusion…

McCain/Clinton '08.

His personal friend, Hillary Clinton, who fell just a few negative ads short of the Democratic nomination, now must face the reality that she wasn't even vetted to be Barack Obama's running mate. (Although seriously folks… she was First Lady. If you want to research the skeletons in her closet, just pull any issue of The Washington Times out of your nearest dumpster.)

Clinton can take the news in one of two ways. She can either give up now and be shipped off to the glue factory, or she can embrace the fact that she won't be stuck in the most purely ceremonial job this country has to offer.

Truth is, there's a whole slew of jobs more befitting of Clinton's talents than shouting through chained doors in retirement homes that Barack Obama is not a Muslim. For example…

Supreme Court Justice
The next president will likely get several vacancies to fill, and many in Washington feel this is right up Clinton's alley. Not to mention that her popularity among Senate colleagues would make her confirmation a breeze.

Legend of the Senate
The Huffington Post's Peter Dreier has long argued that Clinton's Senate career could mirror that of Ted Kennedy, who only achieved mythological status as a Senator after he lost the presidency.

Someone Else's Running Mate
In the spirit of Joe Lieberman, Clinton could pander for a spot on another party's ticket. The fastest road to the top might be getting the VP nod of America's Independent Party because their presidential nominee, Alan Keyes, would almost certainly be impeached during his first month in office.

Anyway, as a very sleepy Dennis reported earlier, he picked Joe Biden for VP.  Finally, the Democrats have a chance to win that coveted Delaware vote.  Obama has kindly set up a website where you can congratulate Joe.

My guess is that his choice was made a year and a half ago when Biden gave him this lovely compliment:

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy … I mean, that's a storybook, man."

Here's Jon Stewart from January of last year helping Biden with that sentence.

Barack has chosen Seantor Joe Biden to be our VP nominee.

So, it looks like Joe Biden will filling the role of the zzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Zzzzzzzzzz…

Oh, what? Joe Biden did the what? Oh yeah, that's right…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

…what?

What did you think I was going to say?

From atop his tower composed entirely of ivory and misdirected idealism, Nader told reporters this week that Hillary Clinton is the smart choice for Obama because she is the only person who would help him get more votes…

"And if he's going to say, 'One people, one nation,' he can raise the banner of unity with her as his vice presidential running mate," he said Thursday on "American Morning."

And if there's one thing Nader knows it's how to get votes!

For example, he is already way ahead in the polling for Irrelevant Political Figure I Will Never Forgive for the 2000 Election. He is crushing all competitors in my Man I Used to Respect But Now Wish Never Existed poll.

And for the 10th straight year he was just named #1 Individual to Lend Credence to the Stereotype That Liberals are Idealistic, Overly-Intellectual, Eggheads Who Actually Exacerbate the Problems They are Trying to Fix.

In related news, its speculated that Nader will suggest that John McCain should also pick Hillary Clinton because, after all, McCain and Obama are practically the same person.

The Democratic national Convention is starting in four fucking days, and we still don't know who the vice presidential candidate for the Dems will be.

Well, one person does (and I don't mean Jesus)…

"I've made the selection, that's all you're gonna get," Obama said told reporters while campaigning in Virginia Thursday. Obama didn't say whether he's informed his pick yet…

Asked by an Associated Press reporter when the text [message announcing his selection] would be sent, Obama just grinned and said, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Um, yes. That's why he asked.