Did you hear that? That was the sound of your opposite marriage relationship crashing into a ravine of disaffection under the oppressive weight of some strangers that you'll never ever meet's newly legal vows to one another…

After 17 years together, Bill Slimback and Bob Sullivan couldn't wait another minute to get married. So they didn't. With Vermont's new law allowing same-sex marriage only a minute old, they tied the knot in a midnight ceremony at a rustic lodge, becoming one of the first couples to legally wed under a law that took effect at midnight Monday…

"It feels wonderful," said Slimback, 38, an out-of-work Teamster who is taking Sullivan's last name as his own. "It's a day I've been long waiting for, and a day I truly honestly thought would never come."

Bah! A couple of perverts like that just make you sick, don't they? No benevolent God could ever smile upon a union like that, obviously.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very busy schedule. These puppies protecting baby chicks aren't going to kick themselves, ya know.

November 20, 2003: Queers Vie for the Straight Tie

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There's a strong wind blowing in from the east. And a stronger wind blowing from the west. Before long, the winds will be blowing each other.

And I am afraid.

The same-sex chickens truly have come home to gentrify their roost.

Oh no! Have you heard?!

Our legislative branch of government has become infested… with SOCIALISTS!!!

[Rep. Spencer Bachus] Bachus, the usually soft-spoken ranking Republican on the House Financial Services Committee, surprised a Birmingham News reporter last week by claiming there are 17 "socialists" in Congress.

When asked for specifics, Bachus named only one legislator — Sanders, a self-described "democratic socialist," whose vision of a socialist safety net is more Stockholm than Stalingrad.

Bachus' spokesman hasn't responded to numerous requests from Politico to name the other 16 lawmakers.

So what?! Bachus can't or won't name the other 16 socialists in Congress. That doesn't mean they don't exist. When my old apartment back in Philly became infested with mice, I didn't learn all of their names. Just, like, a few of them.

And you know what? That community of mice, with all their huddling together for warmth and sharing food and relying on one another for survival. Turned out they were socialists, too. That's why I didn't mind exterminating them; I felt it was my patriotic duty.

I tell you what Rep. Bachus should do is leave a mix a little chlorophacinone into a proposed bill for increased governmental oversight of corporations and then leave it behind the congressional refrigerator. Its effects come about very slowly, so the socialists won't learn to associate them with the populist policies.

Only problem is the congressional halls can get pretty rank if you're not diligent about cleaning them out afterward.

Well, we all knew this was coming, didn't we?

There'll be more…

If you don't get this, then you're luckier than the rest of us.

Here's the original.

Make sure your fists are safely locked away before you watch this video from the National Organization for Marriage — which appears to be some sort of national organization against marriage — because you will want to place them rapidly inside your computer monitor before the end…

Okay, first of all, when the pretty lady says, "My freedom will be taken away," fuck you!

Second of all, you might have been too busy puking all over everything in your house, but did you happen to notice the disclaimer about 17 seconds in that says, "The stories these actors are telling are based on real incidents"? Well, that almost certainly means that the stories these actors are telling are not based on anything resembling real incidents, but are the real paranoid concerns of real religious bigots.

Finally, "a rainbow coalition of people of every creed and color are coming together in love to protect marriage"… There is almost nothing in that sentence that's not constructed out of irony.

(By the way, you can see a bunch of awful actors giving their awful auditions for this awful commercial on Videogum.)